The White House Office of Youth Purity has established two websites extolling the virtues of abstinence-only lifestyles: the first of which is for the boys – Sex is for FAGS!.
With Gibraltar-strong testimonials such as these:
how can i even think about engaging in pre-martial sex again? I even took their vow:
I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.
2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.
3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.
4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.
5. To never spill my sacred “dude milk” – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.
I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:
The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex, which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side.
Making retard babies out of wedlock, then having to blow my whole allowance on diapers and a stroller instead of XBox games and Snickers.
Catching a brain-rotting STD like “Finger Herpes” from “feeling up” any nasty dirty girlie holes.
There is also Iron Hymen for vagino-Americans of a certain age.
While they have pledges and t-shorts, too, they also have TEN THINGS EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BOYS AND THEIR VILE PRIVATE PARTS, in which First Lady Mrs. George W. Bush proves how totally fair and accurate in reporting she can be. For example:
1.) Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they’re up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.
Flawless.
Hie to the appropriate site and get yourself something pretty.
via Joe.My.God
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