From my new favorite site, Those Aren’t Muskets:

Claremont Hole – A singularity into which sub-plots fall and are subsequently forgotten.

I’m terrible with word puzzles, Scrabble and being clever in pictures (which doesn’t bode well for me being a late-blooming comic book artist). My brother, however, is very good with these mental acrobatics. Here is his submission to GraphJam, which is just highbrow enough to be “Family Guy” funny:

Runaways #1: When I last read this title, the kids were stuck in the 1800′s with someone’s out-of-time-and-still-alive parents-of-the-past out to get them and a sparkly, floaty Jezebel out to ruin the cute lesbianish couple and I didn’t care. REALLY didn’t care. I’m not certain that Joss Whedon finished that arc or that Marvel even wanted to, which is a sadness because I liked those kids (and their baby raptor, too). This week, however, sadness becomes gladness as the reliable-as-Tonto Terry Moore’s first issue on ultra-hip writing duties hits the stands. The kids are back on Earth, but aliens who have lost heir homeworld (we know this because it’s said about 12 times on the first two pages) are looking for a little remuneration all over Karolina’s butt. Moore keeps the dialogue and pace snappy and Humberto Ramos keeps the kids in chunky boots and enviable waists. I’m sold. A-

Madame Xanadu #3: At the risk of Rachel Ray Face-ing this title, I have to say I look forward to it every month more than any other title out there. Yeah, it’s only a few issues in, but Matt Wagner’s grasp on the fantastic and magickal has always been second only to Neil Gaiman… ok, and Rachel Pollack, which makes him third in line if I’m going to keep track of the numbers. But unlike Neil and Rachel who keep their magic more mythological and messianic than immoderate, Matt’s magic makes marks in the mundane. Amy Reeder Hadley’s art lends more credence to the every day magical with her clean lines and wide-eyed and elfin Nimue. Set in China 400 years after issue 2, Nimue is the court seer for Kublai Khan, foretelling the beginning of a beautiful friendship between Khan and the young Marco Polo. Then stuff goes wrong. And right. And wrong again. My great hope for this book is that one day there will be a smackdown between Nimue and Morgan le Fey in a future issue. That, and the return of Ericankhamun. A+

Kick-Ass #4: And my students say I’m a tough grader, when here I am about to hand out another A+. I have this vision of Mark Millar and JRJR on Skype for hours at a time, howling with laughter as they come up with more and more vile things for children to say and ways to cut a human body so it can bleed most profusely. Then I hear someone (probably Millar) say, “We’re going to fucking end civilization, man! Those pussies at South Park never dreamed of going this far! It’ll be kids versus parents! Murder in the marketplace! The. End. Of. EVERYTHING! God! And they PAY us to do it to them, man! They fucking pay us to be the fucking Devil!” Take my vision as you will, but I’m pretty sure that’s how this issue came about. In spite of this, I still enjoy this book. It’s not a gleeful joy, but a Very Bad Things schadenfreude. A+

Final Crisis: Superman Beyond: Read. Left. F

Totally not my thing, but I was convinced by Joveth that I should take the quiz with him. Apparently, I’m destined to binge feed on Twinkies and unfaithfulness:

What New Battlestar Galactica character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Capt. Lee Adama (Apollo) You have spent your life trying to life up to and impress your Dad, shame he never seemed to notice. You are a stickler for the rules. But in matters of loyalty and honour you know when they have to be broken. Capt. Lee Adama (Apollo) 75% Tom Zarek 75% CPO Galen Tyrol 63% Lt. Kara Thrace (Starbuck) 63% Commander William Adama 56% Number 6 56% President Laura Roslin 50% Col. Saul Tigh 38% Lt. Sharon Valerii (Boomer) 31% Dr Gaius Baltar 25%

My nephew started doing half days of kindergarten this week, but by yesterday, even the novelty of his Batman bookbag had worn off. According to my brother:

School is going well. However, yesterday morning as he shuffled lazily to the car in order to go to school, he said, “Daddy, how many more days of school are there?”

“Uh, Mom didn’t explain this whole thing to you?”

“No.”

“Well, school goes until next Spring. September until June.”

If he had been less tired, I think he would have pulled a look of horror. He’s settling in, I guess.

But after school, they went to the zoo, so everything was good again.

kindergarchy

Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds #1: This this this THIS is how one hosts a Crisis. While I thought that his Revelations wasn’t all that revelatory, Geoff Johns’ first issue of Legion of Three Worlds has convinced me to believe that he knows what he’s doing and ride both titles all the way through. Yes, I’ll say it now: Legion of Three Worlds was perhaps the best mainstream comic I’ve read all year. Perez’s art was Perez’s art (is it ever bad? No.). And as someone who hasn’t followed the exploits of the Legion of Superheroes since Mordru was defeated in some kind of puppy pile-on back in the 70′s, I picked up on the plot almost immediately and was pulled along by the action. My only problem: what the hell is Superman doing here? Yeahyeah, it’s not the Legion without Superman, but isn’t he busy with five or six other titles (two of which have him on Crisis-duty elsewhere in the Universe)? This is more of an editorial issue than a writing issue in the final analysis, but that doesn’t make it less annoying. Still, I’m hooked. I’ll be here to see (from my keyboard to god’s ears) Superboy-Prime spanked hard at some point during this saga. Really. Redemption or no, someone better make this kid cry by the end. A+

Uncanny X-Men #501: Maybe riding the high from Legion of Three Worlds made me enjoy this issue more than I should have, but… I’m going to retract everything I said about X-Men based on reading #500. To be sure, #500 sucked (LORD, did it suck!), but #501 pulled itself out of the suckage and got me feeling all joyous and sad and angry and vengeful for the ‘tants (I’m trying out a new nickname for my favorite homo-superiors to counter the “Mutie scum” hate-cry of the new Hellfire Cult). And was that Jean Grey all decked out as Mistress of Humiliation? Maybe we’re seeing a preview of the next Millar/Land title – Phoenix: The Domination? A

1985 #4: Picked it up. Scanned it. Put it back. F

defenestrate vs. transfenestrate

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Final Crisis Revelations #1: There’s a scene in the painfully awkward and unexpectedly popular show Charmed wherein the demon Drake (acted with more zest and believability than anyone else on the show in the entire eight years of its tortured run by Billy Zane) is asked by the anemically acted Paige, “Okay, and how exactly did that (before demon, now human) happen?” to which he replies, “Personally, I hate exposition, but if… All right.” Me, too; I hate exposition. However, having said that, I don’t mind being clued in every once in a while as to what the hell is going on in a story. Libra is stronger than God’s Vengeance? The Question is stronger than The Spear of Destiny (I’m assuming that’s what it was)? And the only satisfactory way that the rabidly evil Dr. Light could be taken out was to be melted by The Spectre? Out of public view? How anti-climactic. There’s a bit of false advertising in the title of this book because not much is revealed, but there’s four issues left, so we’ll see. And though it offers no clues as to the plot, Final Crisis Counseling’s annotation of Final Crisis will draw gooey orgasmic gasps from literature folks. Maybe a reader there will put it all together for us. C+

Wonder Woman #23: Not my favorite arc in Gail Simone’s WW run so far, but it ended… well, it ended. I loved how formal Donna got with Nemesis swearing on her beating heart to be his galpal, his shoulder to cry on and that she’ll be there on his doorstep with a barrel of Ben and Jerry’s when he’s had a hard day of sanctioning people. I think she swore to braid his hair, too. Really, the whole issue was about Nemesis and making him look good. B

Helen Killer #4: I’ve been a fan of this series since before it came out, and now that it’s over, I’m glad it’s not going to overstay its welcome. Not to say I don’t want to see other (short) stories every now and again, but Helen Killer ended on a high note and that note should be allowed to sound out for a while. And I’m not saying this just because I was quoted on the back cover (second only to Stan Lee, thank you very much). Though Helen Killer is over, Andrew Kreisberg will be taking over writing duties for Green Arrow/Black Canary with issue #15. I’ve never read the title, but I will peek at it now. A+

Astonishing X-Men #25: I will say this for Simone Bianchi, he (he is a he, right?) is a risk-taker when it comes to laying out a page. He also loves his spacecrafts. Truth be told I love his spacecrafts. What I don’t like are his ink washes and his portrayal of Storm. How he can make salvaged UFOs float like hot-air balloons, but make her look like a rice sack in flight is a question I can’t answer. Warren Ellis deepens the mystery of the previous issue while ignoring Uncanny X-Men‘s ignoring his work. Still, I remain unconvinced that I’ll be keeping this title for more than another month or two. I like the premise, it’s just not a fun read. B

Secret Invasion #5: I swore I wasn’t going to pick up this issue, but when I glanced at it in the store, it looked like the plot was moving forward, so I bought it (I seem to have forswearn myself more than once recently). And, to Bendis’ credit, it did. To Bendis’ detriment, it’s still issue 5 and I’ve waited this long to see that the Skrulls have become intergalactic Republicans who want to save us from ourselves (allegedly). Not conquerors. They’re on our side. Really. They know what’s best for us. Cuz… uhm, yeah, they have an empire. HUGE empire. Right? Right. Oh, and *single tear* for Mockingbird. C+

In geek news, check out the cute old school AD&D alignments poster, but that’s all. Don’t read the rest of the site:





In non-comics-related news, four men claim to have a Bigfoot corpse in their freezer. Skeptics going on photographic evidence only, pooh pooh the claim. I’d like to believe this, but one of the four’s brother-in-law posed as a biologist to support their claims. When discovered, they claimed it was only a joke, but despite that, the Bigfoot corpse is real.

Worth1000.com is having a “Photoshop an AD&D Monster” contest. My bother is going to enter a… ha ha ha. That’s a secret for now. When his entry is accepted, I’ll post the link here for voting purposes.

Oh, yeah. I’m one of them.

Manhunter #33: *single tear* There’s no Blue Beetle in this issue (from all appearances, he was drafted into Final Crisis #3 to do.. whatever it is that’s going on in that book), but there are still guest-appearances galore, and hints of a major ass-kicking next issue by some of my favorite DC ladies. Kate hasn’t done anything of questionable morality lately, and I’m wondering if she’s lost her edge being a family woman now. Nah. Still, Kate needs some ethical dilemma to cut her way through. And soon! A-

Final Crisis #3 Since this series began I was under the impression that it was going to touch all the titles of the DCU, but I’ve recently been told otherwise. This confuses me because I know that Morrison is a great writer who doesn’t go in for half-told tales, yet Final Crisis continues to give only glimpses into the full story of the “War of the Fourth World” (as I see it shaping up to be) while wasting time on sub-plots and characters who ultimately don’t do anything. Again, maybe “don’t do anything yet,” but still, the waiting is getting painful. I don’t love FC, but I’m not ready to drop it either. The regeneration of the Forever People as Japanese pop heroes is a funny sub-plot and I’m always wanting news of my grrlfriend Mary Marvel. Morrison once gave 6 billion people super-powers to stop an alien invasion, so what will he do this time to save the world? B

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #17: Really, Joss? Dark Willow? Again? 200 years in the future and dressed like Mary Shelly? Really, Joss? C

The Boys #21: I should have collected this series from issue one, but a review by someone whose opinion I respect overrode my curiosity, and didn’t think that the series was worth a look. Eventually, my scholarly nature overrode my repulsion and I took a look. I can’t disagree with many things that have been said about The Boys: it’s depraved, sexist, decadent, self-indulgent, tawdry and 1,000 other denigrating adjectives that add up to one of the edgiest reads since The Walking Dead. Being a completist, I’m definitely going to find the back issues and enjoy the horror. A+

Marry Me: I’m not a big fan of Amerimanga (or whatever the kids call it these days) – American artists borrowing manga styles stroke-for-stroke – because it’s so… stylishless, like a dress made of beautiful fabric held together with staples. Still, Marry Me is a cute and breakneck-paced romantic comedy that will be made into a November-release movie within the next year, no doubt. B+

Myth #1: Ah, yes, PORN! Mystech porn! Mystech gay porn stacked full of semi- to fully-naked men all of whom are hung like the tentacles from that squid in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees, I have no idea what happened in the story, but it seemed hot. Really, where do guys like that hang out and can I get a membership? Oh! Accidental pun! B+

Why Do You Cry When I’m on Top?: Funny shit even if it’s all absurd potty humor pushed past good taste but without entering crass. B

In the news, Jeff Trexler of uncivilsociety.org has posted an enlightening article about the early creative history of Superman entitled “Lois Lane’s Abortion and the Gay Superman”. A deeper look at these documents is in Men of Tomorrow: Geeks, Gangsters, and the Birth of the Comic Book, which I highly recommend.

As we turn to our video video features for the week, I’m going to note again that I’m not a big believer in permanently linking to YouTube as they appear and disappear so frequently. I’d honestly rather have my own copy to distribute, but that’s not always possible. Therefore, I offer up these transitory morsels. First, The Muppets’ Beaker performing Ode to Joy:





Then, the never-before-seen-now-virally-seen pilot of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Animated Series:




And finally, I cannot believe that Bill Donohue hasn’t had a rage-induced stroke over the soon-to-be-released Hamlet 2 and its musical interlude, “Rock Me, Sexy Jesus”:

logorrhea vs. coprolalia

Oh, did anyone NOT see this coming?

The world’s oldest jokes still keep ‘em laughing in the aisles.

Get Your War On. Oh my.