On the Sixth Day of Creation, My Immanent, Loving God Gave to Me…

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”
– Galileo Galilei

With any sort of luck, extremist Christianity is gasping its last, though if what I saw on January 4, 2009 at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY is any indication, they’re definitely going down fighting, even if it’s through a fog of self-deception and pitiable myopia. Dedicated to the beliefs that a.) the Earth was created in six days, b.) the Earth is a mere 6,000 years old, c.) Noah’s flood was a worldwide disaster and d.) dinosaurs roamed Eden alongside Adam and Eve, the Creation Museum was a have-to-go side trip on my way back to Texas after two weeks at home with my family. Why did I go? To make fun of it? To know what is being said? To satisfy my curiosity? To know the enemy? To see if I’m missing out on something? Ostensibly, this was a side-vacation to see the ever-adorable Jonathan Riggs, but why this place to meet up?

Ever Adorable. Amen.




Let me say that I per se don’t hate Christians (a statement that in and of itself should make one wonder why I volunteered that information unprompted). I know several who are lovely people, and as far as I’m concerned they can practice whatever their hearts tell them to because their hearts don’t tell them to become strident bitches towards anyone who disagrees with them. But then, there are assdancers like this guy, who unironically shoot people in the name of the Prince of Peace. Frankly, I’m a better Christian than he is, an observation that would, no doubt, make him call down curses on me like a student of mine recently did after he failed my class for not doing his final. Said student wrote to me:

i know u already put me down i dont like your attitude very rude to me like to another deaf people i hope god punish you some day i try to chance something to do i dont give my faith you se but u dont see how i am i have a good heart for my family u dont have none in your heart u see but god can see you thanks god

As one can see, he hopes God punishes me for, ya know, following the guidelines I set forth in my class, then excuses himself from this curse by saying he has Faith in God who sees that he’s a good person (except, I assume, for his hoping that the Lord of the Universe and the Giver of Life will spank me) then thanks God for it (“it” meaning “he’s a good person” or “fulfillment of his curse” is up for debate).

Abandon all thought….



But I know all this from the inside. Having been raised Roman Catholic and having attended private parochial schools for 13 years, I went through a fundamental period myself – had a good portion of the Bible memorized, chapter and verse; Jesus was my BFF; and I didn’t ask too many questions. Does anyone ask the rock why it makes a good fortress? No. The rock is just there to do its job and ward off enemies. So, I get it. I was a picked-on, scrawny teenager who needed a shield. When The New Mutants couldn’t do it, there was God. There is nothing like having an omnipotent friend in the sky to make bad days better and the bullies shrink to nothing. In the Creation Museum, Young Earth Christianist folk can go flock with other birds of their feather, feel they’re not a minority, and trade stories of persecution (because “Waaah! Everybody hates us!! Waaah!”).




Oddly, it’s papier-mâché and not marble. Makes you wonder what else is fake around here.


Three things finally broke me out of this paradigm: Mr. Masi’s theology class sophomore year, my knowing I was teh gay and being deeply closeted about it, and Christmas. My junior year of college, my brother, our Mom and I went to midnight Christmas Mass on a lark. We hadn’t been in ages (to any Mass, not just a midnight one), but that year managed to stay awake long enough to haul ourselves to St. George’s, our home parish, as it were, where my brother and I attended grade school (yes, we were altar boys but we were excused from any funny business (except the Deacon who farted on the altar during Mass once, but that’s another story)). The Mass started in darkness, and from that darkness, we heard the cantor intone “4,000 years after the creation of the world…”. I did a double-take as did my brother sitting next to me. We looked at each other quizzically and mouthed “Did he just say 4,000 years?” After that it was hard to keep a straight face about anything that was said or done on the altar because the beginning had been so funny. And so sad. I loved Midnight Mass, and all of the sudden I didn’t want to be in the same room with these people anymore, the same way that one’s best friend in middle school becomes and untouchable when the cool kids in high school don’t like him but like one. From a single phrase, my intellectual pride stopped talking with my faith, and indeed went on to mock it openly.




To quote someone funnier than me, “Logic: You’re Doing it Wrong”



At the end of mass, I approached a former schoolmate of mine I had seen in the clerical procession. Seeing he was (at that time) a deacon, I thought he might have an explanation as to why St. George’s parish had gone all Archbishop Usher on me. James was not helpful. He smiled at me. Shrugged his shoulders. And said nothing. I could see the wagons circling his mind. In that moment, I went from someone who was participating with a community in a beloved ritual to an outsider surrounded by blind lunatics.

And that was that.




“Great, now I have to come back to this stupid place. Thanks for nothing, Mom!”



While waiting for me to arrive, Jonathan was told by a lady of a certain age that she had been to the Museum sixteen times that year! Sixteen times! What brought her back to see displays that are, by the very nature of being in the past, of finite variety? I suspect her going is a booster shot of sorts. Over the years, the trend in America towards fundamentalism has been well-documented. And distressing. I’ve heard the ridiculous statements I’ve heard in my life about Jesus – “He used 100% of his brain power!” stands out as one of the oddest and most unprovable; “God hates fags!” is so deludedly out-of-touch with anything Jesus said the statement itself borders on sin – in order to prove the “rightness” of Christianity. But why, when faith is neither right nor wrong, and Jesus himself called for a simple faith. The other night I happened upon a talk radio station and discovered it was actually Christian light rock (KLOVE, if you can believe it) when I heard a commercial narrated by an 18 year old motorcycle dude who knew that every time he was doing a righteous head-tucked reverse-pop wheelie that Jesus was right by his side, lifting him up and making sure everything turned out okay. Why people believe the Savior of Everyone and Prince of the Universe is micromanaging this kid is beyond me, but even looking at it from his side, saying all that about an immanent God is like saying, “My hair goes with me everywhere I go, and it flounces just so so that I look cute.” It’s either a mystery and needs to be held as such or it’s common sense and doesn’t bear saying out loud.




“Larry Craig and Peter LaBarbera walk into a Creation Museum restroom…”



However, in the Creation Museum, where some people see faith-affirming displays of God’s plan, I see total nonsense and a desperate need to be “right”. The “it just happened that way” of science is a frustratingly obtuse answer, but the incurious “God made it that way” is even worse for its shallowness. The Christianist view certainly simplifies Things, but is hardly provocative. The virtual guide through the Museum, a man with an avuncular demeanor who looked like a less rabid version of Jack from Friday the 13th, the series, purports to be a scientist, but all he finds gives Glory to God instead of deepening his (and our) understanding of the World. He’s a cognitive dead end; pie-in-the-sky “science”.




Our Host.



The main body of the Museum started with Our Host explaining that when looking at the skeletal remains of a dinosaur, he sees a victim of the Flood, whereas his colleague saw a question looking for an answer. “We have the same starting place, but arrive at different explanations,” he told us.




What Our Host believes.



His colleague, the inscrutable and heavily accented Occidental “Kim”, was a study in subtle propaganda. The idea of using “the other” to throw the two beliefs into sharp relief – and to discredit the evolutionist POV – was the first of many such devices for ridiculing the sciences. White, soft-spoken, kindly uncle vs. ESOL foreigner. Who do you think comes out looking more credible? Had Our Host endearingly referred to Kim as “my little yellow friend” I would not have been more surprised.




Separated at birth from Newt Gingrich?



The next room expounded on the “different views because of different starting points” meme of the Museum. I’ve uploaded my photos to my Facebook page so readers can see them all, but in this room what struck me the most was how the posters said “human reason” like it was a bad thing. Jonathan and I saw the picture above, and I commented “He looks like Newt Gingrich.” Jonathan asked, “Do you think they’re related?” I started to answer, “Maybe, but we’ll have to wait millions of ye…” and I cut myself off. We were deep in the rabbit hole and as funny as I had thought it would be for us to at one point or another make out in the Museum, I decided I wanted to see everything. Making snide commentary, as easy as it could have been, would get us ejected, that I was sure of. We could get kicked out for making a scene on a subsequent visit.




Oog and his pet dinosaur. Srsly.






The Seven C’s.



One could be tempted to think of the Creation Museum as more of a Genesis Museum (at least all the parts up to the Tower of Babel; thank the FSM they didn’t go as far as Sodom and Gomorrah), except that God’s Eternal Plan – Creation, Corruption, Catastrophe, Confusion, Christ, Cross, Consummation; the “Seven C’s” – didn’t end with Genesis; it ended with Jesus. Now, technically, it didn’t end with Jesus either because we’re, ya know, still here. The end of everything would be the apocalypse, but what a what a low note that would have been to end on. Even if there were a Rapture display (I see a wind tower that lifts visitors up to a brightly lit upper level), what a downer to have to go back to “real life” (bouncers dressed as angels would be on hand to eject squatters, telling them, “Go back! It’s not your time! Go back!”). This is only one of the leaps of logic visitors are required to make.




Turn-of-the-millennium tearoom in Jerusalem.



Jesus also sort of suffers a loss of esteem in the Museum. Try to follow along:

Adam and Eve lived in Grace where there was no sin and no strife and (apparently) no steak. All the animals lived together in harmony and outside of what we consider to be their “natural habitats”.




WTF penguin FTW!!!



But then God built in all kinds of badness in Creation. Like (from being omnipotent and all) he saw the Fall coming, and took steps to be a dick about it.




God saw the badness coming…



But as part of the Seven C’s, Jesus would eventually come along and redeem mankind, which God also had to have foreseen. And this Jesus person, the one God knew would have to save everyone from Adam’s Sin just happened to be God’s son. How convenient is it that God’s son gets the gig of a lifetime. It’s the last word in nepotism and casts a scandalous pall on Jesus’ résumé.

This was my favoritest display in the whole place because I got a great joke out of it. Sadly, my picture didn’t turn out, so I borrowed from the Internet:




It’s hard to see, but Eve is handing Adam the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. They’re very tiny, and look like red and white pearls. I called Jonathan over and said, “Look. This is how sin came into the world. First Adam gave Eve a pearl necklace, then she returned the favor.” He sorta groaned and walked away. Which brings up another oddity in the Museum that Jonathan and I both noticed: the term “Adam’s Sin”. Usually Eve takes the rap for humanity’s downfall, but throughout the Museum, Eve’s role in the whole sordid incident is pushed aside and Adam took center stage. Jonathan found it refreshing while I found it revisionistic. It’s an erasing of Eve from history in a way. Granted, it makes Adam looks like a swell-er guy for volunteering to follow Eve down the garden path then take the hit for it, but it still doesn’t scan.

Here’s a poorer visual joke. Can you get it before reading the caption?




Adam has wood for Eve. HA!



Another leap of logic was the answer to the question, “Where did Cain get his wife?” Apparently, he did marry his sister, though I’m uncertain of the timeline here. How long to Cain have to wait for one of his sisters to a.) be born, b.) grow up, and c.) wander into Nod, find him, fall in love and start putting devil cakes in her oven? Conservatively, let’s say 20 years (though given the extremely long-lived Early Peoples, 20 is just barely past “fetus”). If Cain were on his own for 20 years, how good would his language skills be? Would he be considered a “catch” to his sister? All that aside, this isn’t gross because God didn’t say it was gross. If God doesn’t condemn, it must therefore be alright in the Eyes of the Almighty. When it stopped being alright is another question altogether.




Just like they do ‘em in North Carolina.



Then there was Noah, and upright preacher in the eyes of the Lord. When commanded to build the ark, it was supposed it took years and lots of manpower to do so. Noah probably hired local folks to help him with his floating menagerie, but did that mean they were allowed to join him in the ark? No. Not being Noah nor his family, they were left to drown (if that’s your idea of an upright decision).




Noah hanging with his homies.



I’m missing a picture of it, but there’s a model that shows that dinosaurs were aboard the ark with Noah and his kin. However, after they were released to wander the face of the Earth (and apparently use floating logs as rafts to make their way to the several continents), they were soon exterminated for a.) food, b.) sport, or c.) fear of their sharp teeth. Passages in Job (and don’t even get me started on what’s wrong with the Book of Job) that refer to the Leviathan and the Behemoth are “proof” of their postdeluvian existence. And dragons were probably the last of the dinosaurs. But then Saint George got the last one. Even though he’s not real.




Christianist humor?



The tour concluded with a showing of “The Last Adam” – the final three C’s in a 20-minute movie about Jesus. While not the splatter porn that The Passion of the Christ was, it was odd in that, for being in a sanctuary for Biblical literalism, the movie went inter-textual with Mary’s story saying she was “a girl who already knew something about sacrifice.” The sacrifice she had experienced was that of seeing an unblemished lamb killed every Passover. She so hated this that it made her cry. Where, OH WHERE is that in the Bible? “First Prequels”?

Personally, I don’t care what people believe or think or worship. It’s ultimately none of my business, just as what I believe is no one else’s business. The Creation Museum, however, is a monument to blinding stupidity and anti-intellectualism. It is medieval in its teaching and is the antithesis of progress. It is also, however, endemic of the culture war the world finds itself in. As events seem to spin out of control, people will look to a higher power to “take them away from it all” instead of doing the human thing and getting involved to set things right. They are counter-reactionary and cowards of a sort. I don’t wish for them to disappear, but I do wish for the veil to be dropped from their eyes so they can join the rest of us who are free from using superstition and mythology as weapons.




The forgot to mention that God is jealous and angry, too (Exodus 20:5).