REVIEW: “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
Had the above poster been the official one for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I would have applauded it for its refreshing honesty, not only for the movie itself but for the state of high-action summer blockbusters dating back to Independence Day (yes, I know that wasn’t the original summer blockbuster, but it was about the time if ID4’s release that the “bigger, badder, louder” idiom took root). However, I would also say that the poster’s tag tag line – “More ALIEN ROBOTS, bigger EXPLOSIONS, and much much more MEGAN FOX” – unironically states exactly what’s wrong with the movie. But you don’t have to believe me. Here. This is the movie summary from where I found the poster (my suggestion is to NOT click on the link because it’s one of “those sites” that give off a bad vibe, like perezhilton.com or boysfrombrazil.com. I include the link only for citation purposes.), which I found to be just about as clear as the movie itself:
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This may be the most accurate portrayal of what it was like to watch ROTF I’ve come across. Yeah, yeah, Roger Ebert was pretty clever with his “choir of hell” analogy, but he didn’t really capture the sense of what it was like to be sitting in the theatre watching the mess that was ROTF unzip and shake its privates at us. Metaphorically speaking. Except when I’m speaking literally.
There’s nothing like standing next to a child to really throw a situation into sharp relief. Things that adults don’t think twice about – the little slights of daily life – suddenly become large and vulgar displays of callousness when a kid is in the picture. So, thinking “ROTF is only PG-13; there may be a few things we need to explain, but surely we (my brother and I) can take Dominic (my five-year old nephew) to see it.” Dominic loves Transformers, and this was my special treat to him before I left PA to go back to Texas. A “treat” for which I will feel forever guilty because of how MISLEADING the PG-13 rating is. I was genuinely humiliated to be there, thinking about how we were going to have to have a Talk with Dominic after the credits rolled. Frankly, if it weren’t for the fact that we suspected Dominic didn’t “get” some of the
things that happened and was there to see his favorite bots “live”, I would have walked out as early as Megan Fox’s first appearance: a completely unnecessary 20-second shot of her dry-humping a motorcycle.
Not that there is anything wrong with sex. Given a choice between sex and violence in movies, I’ll go with sex every time over violence. HOWEVER, the sex in ROTF was there to be sex in ROTF and served no other purpose than to be there on the screen, pandering to fanbois (as in “I’ve never known the touch of a woman and therefore have no idea what real skin should look like”) and those who like it gross (multiple shots of humping dogs, John Turturro’s fleshy ass, a bot humping Megan Fox). Lord knows I think that the ass-shot in Orgazmo was hilarious, so I’m not above this kind of thing, but Orgazmo was rated NC-17 and was not an action film with a toy line geared for kids.
Sex aside, what else made this movie an incomprehensible mess?
First, I cannot believe that the language in the movie (when one can understand it through the explosions and screaming) is pg-13. “pussy”, “asshole”, “shit”, and I SWEAR someone said “fuck” – these are now PG-13 standards? And while it’s not language per se, is there ever going to come a day when people stop using phrases like “Not on my watch!” and
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”?
Because, trite much?
Second, there are way too many bot on the screen, most of whom go unidentified. What’s the point of that?? I wanted to see the Autobots (yes, i’ll admit here that i was not dragged unwillingly to this film) and Decpticons go at it, but who were some of these guys? and why include new Minicons like the Pretender or the the kitchen appliances gone bad? Why does it seem that the Decepticon numbers flourished over the years, yet only a few Autobots made it to earth? And where the hell did Starscream find The Fallen after 19,000 years on earth??
Third, one cannot get from Giza to Jordan and back to Giza in under a day in foot. It even took the Israelites forty years. Also, one cannot see Giza from Petra. Nor should one be in CA in one scene and in Princeton two scenes later. It reads funny.
Fourth, it’s not just the racism which is a popular kvetch. It’s every ass shot, vixen is a baby-doll dress, scrotum joke, gay image, dog-on-dog action, famous midget cameo, and unfunny bit of toilet humor and crass imagery. And the mystery is, was this something the director did or was it something the writers did? I personally see Michael Bay’s handiwork in it (especially after watching Armageddon last night and realizing bay has become a WORSE director over the years, adding in nonsense that has nothing to do with the plot and certainly had nothing to do with good story-telling.
Fifth, when, oh when, will Sam just tell… uh… what’s-her-name that he loves his car way more than he loves her? And tha Bumblebee’s cooler in every imaginable way than she is?
And is it me, or is Megan Fox just. not. talented? At all. Not that Shia LaBoeuf is any better.
Sixth, say it with me a la Wanda Maximoff, “No mo’ slo-mo!”
I’m sure there’s more to kvetch about, but the horrible thing is that this could have been a better movie – one can see it in moments when the plot rears its enfeebled head between the crassness. Sadly, ROTF was “Bay-icized” before it would be that movie. I’m waiting for some talented SOB to re-cut ROTF into a watchable film a la “star wars: the phantom edit”, then show it to my nephew and hope he forgives me.
