Review Death Match: Android Karenina

This was an early draft of a review I wrote of Android Karenina for Instinct Magazine:

I can say without reservation that I would rather have an anal fissure treated by a leper armed only with lemon juice and a nail gun than get involved in any literature from Russia, let alone Anna Karenina. Thank goodness Quirk Classics has taken out all the proletarian angst and replaced it with ROBOTS, which studies have shown to be 2 bajillion percent more interesting than the travails of bored upper-class housewives. In this alt.Russia, robots are inseparable companions and confidantes of the wealthy; faithful and obedient, save for Alexei Alexandrovich Karenin’s FACE implant, which threatens to destroy the peaceful monotony of everyone’s lives. Thankfully. The original novel makes the “Little House on the Prairie” series looks like a grindhouse bloodbath, so a touch of mayhem helps the boredom disappear like android exhaust in a stiff breeze. Guaranteed you will not throw yourself under a train by the end. Thank you, Quirk!

This was my final draft:

I would rather have a broken bone set by a dog armed only with a nail gun than read any piece of Russian literature, let alone Anna Karenina, the 19th century’s “Real Housewives…”, except instead of vapid whores who have everything, there is one bored betty who jumps in front of a train instead of divorcing her husband to be with her lover. Happily, Quirk Classics has taken out all the proletarian angst and replaced it with ROBOTS, which studies have shown to be 2 bajillion percent awesomer than bustles and adultery put together. Anna’s doomed affair with Count Vronsky takes a backseat to the treacherous plan by Russia’s cybernetic citizenry to usurp their fleshy creators and become Mechanical Overlords of the World! More Robotech than Tolstoy, and thank goodness for that!

They’re both WAY over my word limit (Sorry, Jeff!), but I’m curious to know which one has more “oomph!”. Thoughts? Comments? Opinions?