The folks over at CPB are taking a week off to get ourselves ready to advance from beta to… is it “alpha”? “The Omega Opening” (and doesn’t that sound tawdry?)? I have no idea. What happens after “beta”? Whatever it’s called, we’re heading there and I get to come back here to Orthocomics, do my reviews, and figure out what’s to become of the blog while CPB takes off.

Batman and Robin #3: Like a steak and potato dinner, this was satisfying. Very satisfying. Like, eating said steak and potato dinner, sleeping for a few days to wake up and discover you’ve lost 7 pounds not from a wasting disease satisfying. Leave it to GMo to come up with an airborne addiction and sound effects like “HAUUU NAUUUUU!” Frightening. A-

Batman: Widening Gyre #1: If I’m going to point Fingers of Blame ™ at anyone for this… let’s call it “a second chance gone awry”, it’ll be Mike Marts and Dan Didio for failing to do their jobs as editors. I know that Kevin Smith is pretty famous for his spaghetti-and-aspic-on-the-wall-let’s-see-what-sticks-and-gels approach to writing; I also know that mileage varies from work to work (compare Dogma to Chasing Amy). Yet for some reason, Marts and Didio seem to have not known this, or at least didn’t let it bother them in the editing process. I’ll admit that I bought this issue for the cover art (levels and levels above the interior art) and the title (“Widening Gyre”, how cool of a title is that?), so anything beyond this should be gravy, right? Sure, but lumpy, orange-flavored beef gravy? Maybe not so much. The mish-mash of multiple guest stars, incongruent backstories, and out-of-character speeches (Batman: “Sonnuva.. the kid pulled a ME.”; Etrigan: “No way…”) and nonchalant conflict resolution read more as “we need to fill pages” than “we’re telling a complex story”. D

Detective Comics #856: I still can’t put into exact words why I like this series as much as I do. The story has the hallucinogenic effect of Alice in Wonderland, a dream populated by bleary-eyed sleepers and hunters. I do know that I have to pick up the Crime Bible: Five Lessons in Blood to get a better handle on what this Religion of Crime is all about. B+

Madame Xanadu #14: There’s wisdom that says “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!” but I’ve been expecting it to turn its attention to Madame X and her lady-love Marisol for some time now. I applaud these women for being bold enough to stay in Spain while, ya know, people are being killed to the left and right around them for offenses far less serious than acting out scenes from “Hot Babes in Loose Skirts.” However, not arming themselves or being more cautious or living somewhere deeper in the woods was just utter foolishness on their parts. Seriously, when the Christianists have their way with America and I become illegal for just being, I’m going to be fortified enough to take at least a dozen with me when they show up at my door. Yeah, “and your little god too!” Having said that, I like this issue, except for Kaluta’s strange rendition of the female form on the cover. I make fun of Greg Land for his impossible breasts and ineptitude in connecting head bones to neck bones and on down the line, but Kaluta has surpassed the master with his frightening Holocaust Special Madame X. B

Wonder Woman #36: I think Diana takes on too much responsibility that isn’t hers. Yeah, yeah, she’s got the whole wide world on her shoulders and has had for some time now, but taking Pele’s accusations of being complicit in Zeus’ murder of Zane, and “set[ting her] father alone against the wrath of [her] entire pantheon” is supporting an unduly free interpretation of the events. I’m sure she’s feels guilty about Zane’s death and all, but making a pledge to Pele when she’s just crawled out from under her Amazonian vows seems like she’s not thinking clearly at all. And awwh poor Tom! How is Diana going to explain her “I never loved you” away? I’m sensing a new direction for Diana, but it seems like Gail Simone is also only sensing it. B

New Mutants #4: Ah well, that was a disappointing read. Yeah, my girl Illyana got some scary one-liners off, but all in all, I think I’ve read this story before; ya know, “Legion screws everything up before the Muties pull it together.” I’m not digging the trophic characterizations (especially, God help us, with the dialogue) when by this time the Muties should be more individuated.

Dark Avengers #8: Angt! More angst! Less fighting for the sake of fighting and more angst! Jeez, what happened to the promise of the first issue? C

Uncanny X-Men #513: Oh, Scott. Did you not see this coming? I mean, did anyone not see this coming from the moment that Scott and Emma started banging psychic uglies? I’m just surprised that it took this long for Emma to take over the X-Men and reform them in her image. However, as stupid as this makes all the X-Men look (except Jean, but she’s dead), it’s GREAT drama. However, it will not be great drama if Matt Fraction does something silly like make Emma a double agent so she can be seamlessly reunited with the X-team. I want Emma back on the outs and being fabulously evil, the idiom in which she excels. Emma out; Cloak and Dagger in! A

Batman and Robin #2: So far, so good. GMo hasn’t gone looney tunes and taken Batman back to… well, R.I.P., though he’s very good at channeling his eccentricities into the undisciplined and dangerous Damien. In this issue we see what makes Dick not Batman – all those years of not wanting to be like him finally paid off, and Dick, while a great fighter, doesn’t command the respect and awe of those around him, especially Robin. Yes, this is the “kinder, gentler” Batman, and I hope Dick quickly figures out that is just not who he has to be. I think GMo is exactly the right writer to break Dick down and maybe build him back up. We know how he likes his heroes damaged. Bye, Dick. It was nice knowing ya. A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #26: Done. D-

Unthinkable #1 and 2: After reading this and Mark Sable’s ridiculous line about “I feel my privacy is a small price to pay for educating the government about the medium.” I had to pick up Unthinkable. I don’t think I got it for the content necessarily, but to see if indeed what he wrote was worth his pussy statement of relinquishing his privacy to a government that thinks five-year olds are terrorists and nipple rings can be removed at will. I’m glad that his comics mean more to him than his privacy, but, really, fuck him. I can’t even imagine what he thought he taught them about the comics medium: that a page layout doesn’t have to convey chronological action? That characters’ speech and facial expressions don’t have to line up? That people can walk willy-nilly onto military bases and bully commanding offivcers into handing over equipment and weapons? Frankly, Sable needs to be taught more about the medium before he can teach TSA anything. D

The Tick and Arthur: The Complete Works TPB: Still fresh after all this time. Non-derivative. Quirky. Uncanny comic timing. Gentle mocking. Ninjas. This is the gold standard of indy comics. SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!! A+

World of Krypton #3 and #4: Beyond the misleading covers. Beyond the non-surprise of Zod being a bastard. Beyond the attempts to make Alura sympathetic. Beyond the status quo changing event of a New Krypton. Beyond the Guardians wetting themselves in anxiety. Beyond all that, this is a Superman book. And wherever there is Superman, Superman is there. B-

Batman & Robin #1: After the whole Final Crisis extravaganza, I was more than a little unwilling to pick up a GMo book so soon, especially for a character I haven’t read since I was 11 or so. However, this seems to be the year when DC lures me into all of the Big Three books, as Batman (formerly Nightwing, formerly Robin) and Robin (formerly some bratty kid who needed a spanking way earlier in his life than he got one (there is a reason why it’s called “child-rearing”)) terrorize the poop out of Gotham City’s criminal element. And I like it. The characterizations are strong. The art.. well, let’s talk about the art. Frank Quitely’s style is immediately recognizable, even if you don’t know his name, and there are cams on the goodness and badness of this statement. It’s been said that his people are nothing more than sandbags topped by shrunken-apple heads. It’s also been said that he gives 3+ dimensions to otherwise flat pages. I’m in the camp of goodness. I haven’t been able to pinpoint what it is, but it is there. Seeing Batman and Robin leap out of a flying Batmobile, through the Bat-signal, and dazzle Commissioner Gordon as they land atop Police Headquarters was beyond “good enough” for me. A+

Ultimatum #4: I honestly cannot remember why I picked up this issue after calling the series “splatter porn” last month. I was so truly, deeply repulsed by the over-the-top imagery that I figured I was finished with it. Well, apparently not. And I truly don’t understand this purchase because I’ve never read any other Ultimates book in my life, so there’s no investment here. Maybe I’ve grown insensitive to it, or maybe I’ve become fascinated by it. Whichever the case may be, I’ll finish the series off next month. I will say this, though: in terms of multi-issue cross-over “events”, this is one in a great long while in which the core book is a perfectly clear story in and of itself. So, props on that. B

Uncanny X-Men #511: I knew I wasn’t going crazy with the rapidity of X-Men‘s publishing. This issue comes out only two weeks after the last, which is great because I was eager to see how the cliffhanger would be resolved. Is Jean coming back? Is Maddie going to get her first? Will Greg Land’s characters ever express an appropriate emotion in-panel? The answers, while satisfying, do unfortunately underline Matt Fraction’s one problem as an X-writer: the appearing and disappearing cast. And with the addition of one more character – and a well-beloved one, at that – he’d better learn to juggle better. A-

X-Men Forever #1: X-Men forever is like a long-lost reunion with a beloved ex then realizing there’s a reason you’re exes. F

New Mutants #2: I don’t like where this is going. Say “NO!” to Legion being a new team member, and “YES!” to the return of Rahne Sinclair!! A

Buck Rogers #1: Yeah, you really can’t go back home even if home has righteous art and an otherwise tight story. This may be the antidote to Sci Fi’s Flash Gordon (gag), but it still didn’t do it for me. Sorry, guys! C-

Supergirl #40: Beyond Reactron’s ham-handed “I lied to you the first time we met. Supergirl.” – and really, what was the point of this? There has to be a ton of better ways to change continuity than to just say, “Ha ha ha! I lied!” Yeah, he’s a villain and all, but why “confess” at this moment? And as a villain, can his confession be trusted? Wouldn’t it have been easier (and possibly cooler) to have his “starsuit” grow unstable and.. I dunno, create a micro-black hole that could destroy all life on Earth? That took me ten seconds and now I have a three issue story-arc for future use. Weird. – I enjoyed this issue, even the revelation for Superwoman’s identity, which some claim to have seen coming “miles away” (but never mentioned it until after the issue was published, so, yeah, I’m calling shenanigans). I’m not sure I’ll continue reading Supergirl beyond the next issue once spoiler alert! L.L. spells out her and daddy’s diabolical plan to make the world a safer place from aliens (and is that a U.S./Mexico metaphor the way the X-Men titles are a gay metaphor?). Unless, of course, a micro-black hole is coming in the near future… A

Detective Comics #853: I think if Buffy had been told at the end of her life in Season Five that her reward for being The Slayer was to be The Slayer, she would have cocked her head, pouted sarcastically and said something clever like, “So what you’re saying is you forgot to get me a present and this is the best you could do at the last minute?” Batman, whichever Batman we are reading about here, if not actually all of them, isn’t that snappy with the retorts and actually seems content with the results (at least he didn’t complain too hard). Gaiman’s follow-through on this story is better than he’s had of late, managing to hit a ton of high notes in this Batman’s swan song (including an appearance by the original Batgirl, a fave character of mine!), but ultimately, I’m going to take this story in the same vein as The Last Galactus Story and not worry about continuity. This time. A-

Thor #601: Ah I was hoping that Loki was going to tease the I’ve-Got-Sif’s-Body-and-Nobody-Likes-Me evil plot out a bit longer, but i suppose he knows what he’s doing because, after all, he got Balder to relocate every Asgardian (and one very love-struck Kansasian… Kansasite? Kansasist? Whichever.) to Latveria where Doctor Doom will welcome them all, but not feel obligated to treat them as anything other than refugees. Apparently all Asgardians except Loki like having one sovereign to rule them all. Who knew? And yet, I don’t find this to be a fault in JMS’ writing; I find it to be a fault in the characters of the Asagardian, because I totally believed that they would do this. They may be gods. but they’ve never been the deepest of thinkers. Except that Volstagg. He’s like Aristotle levels of deep. A

Kick-Ass #6: I’m waiting for someone to glom onto Mark Millar being a conservative asshole because of what he said about Democrats being baby murderers and murderer lovers, because I’m pretty sure that’s the reaction Millar wants people to have. Then I want to see the shitstorm that kicks up as people get mad at him and he laughs because he wanted people mad and he got what he wanted. I dunno. I’m still torn as to whether this guy can write or if he can just write to provoke people’s baser emotions. I also ask myself if I’ll go see the Kick-Ass movie when it comes out this summer (or whenever). I see it as a Die Hard meets American History X sorta cowboyish affair. We’ll see. B

Batman #686: I only managed to read Batman the first night after comics shopping because I was busy with play practice and dating interests. I also chose this to read because it
was written by Gaiman, whom I adore, but whom I’m also beginning to see wane a bit. I like the set up, but of late Gaiman’s set up hasn’t been the problem with his work; the problem has been the
pay-off (seriously, I still can’t believe The Graveyard Book won the Newbery). I’ll wait ’til next issue (apparently the last Batman comic) before I decide how successful the story was or wasn’t, but for now, I’m intrigued by the dream-like presentation (of course. How else would Gaiman write a DC story?) and Andy Kubert’s expressive art. A

Action Comics #874: One of the most striking scenes in this issue was Superman in the Fortress of Solitude looking at pictures of a long-dead and somewhat idyllic Krypton. He laments that for years he had an idea of how his home planet must have been – maybe mostly through wishful thinking – but now facing the reality of being descended from a race of militant jerks he feels lost. I share that feeling with him. The Kryptonian race may have let itself be destroyed, but their darker side was never hinted at. A close runner-up is Mon-El telling his BFF Kal-El that he would prefer to die with him that be voided in the collapsing Phantom Zone. Awwh! Pablo Raimondi’s lines are wonderfully expressive and fun. Light bodies fly through the air, topped by dark, heavy faces. A

X-Infernus #3: With the conformation that there will be a new New Mutants series (how it will fit into general continuity remains to be seen), the return of Illyana Magik wasn’t too unexpected in this issue, but it was still welcome. And, dammit, she’s all these years older and still the head-strong and brash teenager from her days in the New Mutants. Still, I can’t help but love her. Of all the X-Men (aside from the original, non-resurrected, self-sacrificing Phoenix), she ranks as a true tragic heroine. Sadly, with one issue left, I fear she may go the way of all tragic figures. A-

Thor #600: I could have done without the backup stories, mostly because I’ve seen them all before (I think they were in a one-shot called Tales of Asgard from back when I was in high school) and they did nothing to add to the 600thness of this issue. I’m torn on how I feel about this issue. I like how JMS keeps up the characterization of the Asgardian and Kansasian folk (which must be incredibly difficult in the former’s case; it would be so easy to drift into (no offense) Lee-Kirby staunch declarations riddled with “thees” and “thous” and turn some pretty speeches into vaudeville), but that seems to be going away with Thor’s banishment from Asgard. And wasn’t he banished before (like, 1950′s “before”)? My fear is that the imaginative gold JMS has put into the story – Asgard in Kansas, the transsexual Loki/Sif, Thor as a diplomat (now outlaw?) – will be lost if Thor goes his own way. By the way, why does Thor have an uruz rune on his belt? B+