Wonder Woman #31: This past weekend, my boyfriend and I were talking about how vigilante justice seems to be the way to go at times, and why hasn’t the Earth produced its first superheroes yet. We also picked out what kind of superpowers we’d like to have if we happened to be so lucky – he wanted telekinesis because it can be used for all kinds of practical purposes (throwing, slamming, holding, choking, flying, et al.) and I wanted telepathy because it’s the mental form of telekinesis. He looked at me and with a seriousness that was appropriate for the conversation, he said, “If you were telepathic, we wouldn’t be together.” When I asked why he said that he would always wonder about how I knew what I knew or if he were really feeling what he was feeling. Before I got too hurt, I thought about it: how could any person be trusted with an “X-power”? Is anyone that morally upstanding that they could forgo cutting corners or making life a little but easier for themselves? Could all X-Powerful beings follow a unified moral code? Diana may be flawed, and she may have made mistakes (without referencing Max Lord again, certainly cutting off the Cheetah’s tail last issue was a bit beyond the pale for her), but she’s still morally superior to most people. And gods. And Olympians. A+

Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds #4: Thinning the herd. Again. However, I don’t view the killing spree as being the wanton holocaust that was GMo’s Final Crisis (or indeed any DC comic title from the last year or so) because these characters’ death caused me actual outrage against Superboy-Prime and not Dan Didio or whatever lame storywriter was wielding the axe that week. Bloodshed aside, the return of “our boy” made me go misty. I’m jumping uo and down in my chair for the next issue; who’s agenda is going to win out – Superman’s rehabilitation of Superboy-Prime or the freshly minted Superboy kicking Superboy-Prime’s ass to Oa and back? A+

Madame Xanadu #10: It looks like next month Madame Xanadu will inflict her issues with men on the world at large instead of keeping it to a select circle of friends, lovers and co-dependent fantasies. One would think she’s be just as jaded towards women since it was her sister who caused her life to spiral out of control in the first place, but judging by the title “My Father’s Keeper” it looks like Nimue is going to be the mystic Gloria Steinem of the DCU. Next month will see Michael Wm. Kaluta taking over art duties, for which I am very excited. B

Uncanny X-Men #509: Didja see the size of Psylocke’s udders on the cover? I mean, one would have to have Power Girl wallpaper and life-sized cardboard stand-ups to not notice, so perhaps a better phrasing would be “When did Psylocke become enormbooblous?” Jesus, Land. I swear, someone needs to send me the reference pic for what happened to Emma Frost because I’m starting to think this was drawn from his own imaginings which puts him firmly in second place behind Mark Millar for the “Creepiest Asshole in Comics” title. Tracings can be forgiven (to an extent, and this is pushing it), but out-and-out S&M fantasies are getting into… whatever comic company publishes porn beyond Class Comics territory. Double Jesus, Land. Rumors around the Internet say that Madeline wants Logan to find Jean Grey’s body to inhabit, but I think she wants Logan’s body. Who better to live forever inside since he just keeps rejuvenating? B-

Orthocomics is pleased to announce the release of our first ever NSFW comic by Sean McGrath and Jo Beth “Jesus” March, “Infinitesimal Situation at the Ultimate Wiggle Piggly”. While Jo Beth was unavailable for comment because she was dragged back to her Carmelite monastery by Mother Superior Vicious Claws of Jesus’ Undying Love, Sean was available to say, “Screw you, beret-wearing post-modernists!”

Early reviews have been overwhelmingly positive, saying “Yes, it IS totally NSFW, but it is also damn f-ing funny. What a great way
to start my day. LOL!!! Great work!”

“I had a ‘WTF moment.’”

“Please remember that while I love your work–you know I do–my sensibilities are a little different than yours. Some kind of rating code would be helpful, just so I know what to expect … ‘Adult themes’ are one thing; exaggerated full-frontal graphics are…another.”

“BRILLIANCE!!!”

“So deep…”

“[NSFW] or humourless sods – brilliant stuff. I love the Living Tribunal as a Norma Desmond draggie.”

and from Mishiko Kakasomething of the New York Times Book Reviewz we got “A joyous slap in the face by the giant schlong of satire!”

The entire comic book is available for download. It’s TOTALLY FREE and TOTALLY NSFW!!! Click on the the lordly graphic by Scott McGrath below to get your copy!

Secret Six #6: WTF?!?!? The MAD HATTER?!??!?!?!??!?! He’s the one behind all this? I’m pretty disappointed by this, mostly because I only remember the Mad Hatter at the guy from the Batman TV series who had a hypnotic eye pop jack-in-the-box-like from his top hat. He seemed more goofy than mad. Maybe it was my attitude this week, but this was my first of the two “meh” titles I picked up. Normally, I like everything Gail Simone does, but too much time was spent on Deathlock, the least interesting of all the characters, Yeah, he gets to betray his friends and all, but the “I’m just being the scorpion” line rang so false, the way Catman told Batman that they were going to kill each other one day, weren’t they? For being such C-list characters, the Secret Six don’t lack in ego. C

Legion of Three Worlds #3: This issue has a HUGE cast that is almost impossible to follow unless one has been a fan of The Legion for the last two decades. But who cares?? Geoff Johns and George Perez have all the nuances down for long time Legion lovers to debate and spar over, while for the rest of us, they deliver an issue with no less than three goosebump-raising moments (especially the last on on the last page). Superboy-Prime, get ready to be spanked! A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #22: The “meh” continues strongly in this issue, ironically called “Swell”. Don’t get me wrong – the banter between Kennedy and Satsu is right on the mark (especially, “Your eval’s SO getting a smiley face!”) but the main point of season eight is getting lost in all these side stories. The stories are great in and of themselves (the cartoon episode TOTALLY not included), but they don’t contribute to the tension I should be feeling by now. C+

Runaways #6: This may be my last issue of Runaways. Not that there’s anything wrong with it per se, but there’s nothing all that exciting about it either. The pay-off at the end of this arc just didn’t move me the way it should have. C-

Final Crisis: Revelations #5: If I came away with anything from this series, it’s that God cares, but is a firm believer in tough love. I also came away thinking that Rucka believes God to be a right bastard for putting people in impossible situations and expecting them to find their own way home again. One need only look at Radiant (somehow doing well here, yet not doing so well in FC #7) and her dwindling faith in God’s Infinite Mercy (which would be herself) to see this. As she prays for God to intervene and save everyone, there is no response. Nothing. Just Cain and Anti-life. Then the Huntress, The Question and Radiant’s rapist/murderers call her back from the brink by their selfless actions. Rucka seems to be saying that we find faith in God by the actions of others, which is a bit weak sauce for me (and Rucka, too, I imagine) because there are days when I want my immanenet and loving God to give me physical evidence that He loves me (and not in a “raped by a swan” kind of way). Still my favorite title in the whole Final Crisis crisis. A

Final Crisis #7:I sat down today and gave it my best shot to get through the last issue with maybe a glimmer of understanding with what was happening. And what I came away with was a hot, sticky pearl necklace that Grant Morrison blew all over me when he was done jerking himself off. But let me be specific:

1.) I’ll misquote someone from the GLA who said that there’s a difference between being spoon-fed a story and having to read the writer’s mind. I’ve read his Doom Patrol, his All-Star Superman, his WE3 and his run on the x-men, and have enjoyed them all. he has a talent for bringing new depth to characters and revitalizing tired stories. that being said FC was a just his next exercise in “how far can I go with the comic medium?” (and after empowering six billion people with super-powers, it was shocking to see that he COULD go further). I think this will be his Ulysses, and fanatics all over the world will begin writing their dissertations on this miniseries in relatively short order AND congratulating themselves on being so damn clever to understand Morrison. And part of me thinks it was his plan all along to be this divisive.

2.) Final Crisis was done in a vacuum. Whatever transpired here – people seeking temporary refuge on an alternate earth, a magic ward that repels evil on a planetary scale, Superman singing the multiverse back into existence (i think; he never really go around to doing it the second time, did he?), Wonder Woman somehow breaking out of the anti-life spell, Darkseid dying, the New Gods returning, Batman pulling a Spock-on-Planet-Genesis, universe vampires and the end of the Monitors – who cares? it doesn’t connect to anything that has been done or is being done or will be done. for that alone, Dan Didio should be horse-whipped for promoting FC as “the be all end all of DC crises.” As clever as it was supposed to be, it did nothing to change the status quo of the DC universe and remint it, shiny and worth some kind of currency.

3.) And before someone pulls out all the “metafiction makes stories better and causes your junk to smell like cotton candy and is better than regular literature” crapfest, I’d like to say that metafiction is
NOT a new phenomena. It goes back at least to the ancient Greeks. Authors have metafictional devices in their works whether they know that word or not, so please just stop with the “Morrison is too profound for you to understand.” He’s not. Saying “metafiction” just makes you feel better about yourself.

OMG! I just thought of what this was REALLY all about! It wasn’t DC’s final crisis, it was GMo’s MIDLIFE crisis!! I’m totally serious here. What better thing to achieve immortality by then to create a story that was supposed to be so impacting, so far-reaching (well… kinda; it was never referenced in any of the mainstream books), and the LITERAL last word in DC crises and then write it so that readers would argue about what was being done, how deep the meaning was, how revolutionary for comics to do something this PoMo (meh), write dissertations on it and speculate on what wasn’t in the text but what could be drawn into the story inter-textually! I honestly think that this was Grant Morrison coming to the end of his shelf life and then recreating himself with hair transplants, a sexy trophy wife and a penis-shaped car that goes from 0 to 120 in 10 seconds. Metaphorically speaking. Discuss. D-

Wonder Woman #28: And speaking of changing the status quo, the Olympians finally come to life in the DCU! Zeus creates a new island for his new race of men (dead men, but no one is perfect) with a mission to bring peace to the world by beating all warring countries into submission. Zeus… really doesn’t get it, does he? And, bless his heart, he’s so earnest about his Olympians and thinks that he’s going about this the right way, but it reminds me of the time he wanted to reward Diana by offering to penetrate her then got upset when she said “Dude, WTF?!?!?” I was hoping that Tom would be the Olympian (apparently that will be Jason’s “son”), but after this issue I see he’s 100% Amazon. And probably gay. A+

Superman #684: Superman is so damn trusting that he’s starting to look simple-minded. No wonder Batman makes fun of him. I was honestly hoping that after New Krypton entered a binary orbit around the sun that writers would take time to let tensions stew and come to a head again in a year or so, but writers are chasing it like my dog chases the ice cream truck. I love that this book has, like Wonder Woman, changed the face of the DCU in a way that if it’s nurtured and allowed to grow in an organic way (I’m giving you the hairy eyeball, Didio!) New Krypton could become a permanent fixture worth hundreds of stories. *fingers crossed* B

Manhunter #38: The end. *single tear* A+

Secret Six #5: Bane is by and far becoming one of my favorite characters in this series. I know everyone thinks Deadpool is sexy and Catman has a great butt (he’s my number two, but not for his butt (Ragdoll is number three)), but Bane’s complexity makes everyone else look like the chorus line. He claims a moral superiority to his fellows and has a compassionate heart, but when he ripped Aaron’s neck apart, I was in love. A

Action Comics #873: Aaaah! “New Krypton”. Now I get it. I was disappointed that the main conflict of this arc – bringing the Kryptonians who murdered some Science Police officers to justice – wasn’t resolved, but now there’s a new Baddie on the solar block that will need to be dealt with eventually, which I find to be the greatest change to happen in the DCU in years. It’s easily worth years of stories and plots in the hands of a capable writer. Sadly, Kara got shafted again in terms of characterization. That poor girl hasn’t known a moment’s rest even since she died during Crisis on Infinite Earths. A-

Final Crisis #6: I’m hard-pressed to know if this was camp or kitsch or what. There
were the oddly out-of-place silver age super-science moments with the Inerton and Radion; and even more silver age “shouting my thoughts out so everyone knows what I’m doing in the panel” lines like “It might take the last of my magical energy but I think I can stop her!”. Then I counted FIVE plots to save the world going on all of which involve cosmic-level technology and evolution? And finally Brainiac 5′s warning about his sentence becoming meaningless ON PAGE ONE was at once incredibly precocious and ironically too late. As far as the image on the last page goes, how can ANYone take a death in the DCU to heart anymore? Said death will be undone as soon
as The Question sucks the Earth through the cosmic soup strainer and brings us to the Fifth World. Guaranteed. Last issue was so good, but this issue was an unreadable mess. Again. D+

X-Infernus #2: I have a horrible premonition that Marvel is setting up Pixie to be “Magik Lite”, and as much as I like her character, I don’t love her as much as I love Illyana. Putting Pixie in a position to be the next X-enchantress will make her “Magik Zero”, a disservice to both women. That aside, the action and stakes (saving Illyana and Pixie’s souls) are ratcheted up a notch. A

Getting ready for the holiday took me away from reviewing comics for a few weeks, so to catch up, here are my encapsulated opinions. Feel free to email me for deatils.

X-Infernus #1: Strong start with diabolical subplots. I’m hoping this leads to a reincarnation of The New Mutants. A

Dark Reign #1: Oh noes! Another event!! In its favor, however, is its short run (three months according to the checklist). Working against it is that it’s another event.

Secret Six #4: Simone’s idiom of gelling disparate elements borders on vaudeville at times, but it continues to intrigue. A-

Action Comics #872: “New Krypton” continues by adding more useless characters to the board (“Creature Commandos”? Really?) while finally touching the main conflict. B-

Final Crisis Revelation #4: DC’s treatise on the Nature of God is one of the most disconcerting comic read of the year. Loves it. A+

Final Crisis #5: DC’s Millennium + 20 years = Final Crisis #5.

Supergirl #36: The penultimate chapter of “New Krypton” finds Alura being a horrible mother and a krytpo-centered, myopic slattern. I wish this had actually happened back in chapter 3. A

Manhunter #37: While I normally don’t like “X years later” jumps in plots (the atrocious A.I. still haunts me), Andreyko’s jump gives me a sense of continuity that will extend beyond the last (next) issue. A+

Hellblazer #250: Old-fashioned holiday fun the way they used to do it in Hell. A

Wonder Woman #27: Gail Simone loves these characters as demonstrated by the rich textures and motivations and interactions she gives them. Her Genocide scares me way more than her Junior. A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #20: Cool idea, but after the pointless “Return of Fray” storyline, do we really need another break from the Big Bad’s arc? My magic eight ball says, “Definitely not.” C+

Runaways #5: I’m starting to find the “the best way to end a conflict is to just end it” idiom to be a fun one. It let’s the story move on to more interesting problems. Other than that, not much happens. B

Thor #12: Loki continues to rise as my favorite transsexual villain as he and Hela make plans to rule everything. A+

X-Men NOIR #1: Ugh. They did it better on Smallville‘s “Noir” episode (and that sucked eggs).

Ultimatum #2: It seems the Wasp can’t get a dignified death in any universe A-

Thor: The Truth of History: Can anything done by Alan Davis be bad? Never (even if his Thor doesn’t like the Egyptians very much.)! A

Runaways #3: “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.” Recent Log Cabin Republicans whining aside, there is something to be said about not tolerating intolerance, especially the kind that leads to violence or the demonization of “the other”. Even Brecht knew this. “Intolerant” is a nice way of saying “s/he’s an ignorant motherfucker”. I suppose that if people wallowed in their ignorance and left everyone else out, it would be OK, but for whatever reason, they never do. Like Typhoid Mary, they spread ignorance and fear and anger. That was what I got out of this issue. A

Final Crisis #4: FINALLY!!!! The main FC book isn’t bogged down by its own cleverness hits its stride. It still saddens me that most of the other DC books refuse to acknowledge any of this is even going on (even if it is just two weeks in the future), because according to the Flash, the whole multiverse is teetering on the brink of the Abyss. And *sigh* wasn’t Barry’s kissing Iris just about the best thing to happen in comics in years? It’s still unclear to me who Turpin met at the Dark Side Club in issue #1 if he’s being infested by Darkseid in this issue, but I am clear that he’s now two hard-nosed bad-asses in one. A+

New Krypton: I have a feeling this is going to be messy by the end, mostly because Superman is a dick in this issue. I know there’s superdickery.com which exploits the older pre-”Boy Scout” days of Supes, but really, there is no excuse for him throwing his human parents and Earth under the bus just so the Kryptonians don’t get their red undies in a twist (I jest, of course; their undies come in all sorts of colors, not just red). First, he gives props to Jor-El and his tape-recorded civics lessons for helping him to turn out the way he is today, side-stepping the fact that it was really the recently departed Jonathan Kent who did that. Whu…? Worse, the juxaposition of Zor, Alura, Kara and Kal having “the first El family dinner in ages” while Ma Kent eats funeral leftovers alone back on the farm is a foreboding foreshadowing if ever I saw one. If Superman knew nothing else about Kryptonian culture, he should at least know it was their arrogance that got them blowed up in the first place. How he thinks a few years in a bottle mellowed them out is beyond me, and why he didn’t take umbrage with the whale-killing Kryptonian… well, this event has “spare the rod and spoil the child” written all over it. Still, the writing is tense and I’m going to follow this story across every issue. A

Wonder Woman #25: It seems that even in Gail Simone’s world a Wonder Woman movie is not meant to be. However, unlike the comic movie which “lacks a proper second act” (my favorite line of the whole book), the conclusion to this arc is proper and exciting every step of the way. No one can balance all out action with beautiful little human moments like Gail Simone can. A+

Superman #680: “Happy.” A+

Secret Six #2: I’m just flat-out embarrassed for Catman. God love Gail Simone for trying to give him a sense of dignity, but he’s Catman, a rip-off of Batman so painfully obvious that he resists pride. I’ll give her this: she didn’t retcon him into a cool costume or a better origin, as is the DC way of late. However, she left him with the impression that he’s Batman’s arch-nemesis. Those other guys, “petty little psychos who [Batman has] made into celebrities”. Catman goes so far as to say “One day, we’re going to kill each other, aren’t we?” But I think it’s this level of self-delusion that I like about Catman; the same way I like the damage of the rest of the Secret Six. They’re badasses, but they’re also completely fucked up. A+

Legion of Three Worlds #2: OOOOoooh that Superboy-Prime is in dire need of that spanking I spoke about last issue. Lightning Lad agrees with me, as do most of the 31st centurians; Superman is the only hold out for a happy morally high-grounded ending. I honestly have no idea which way Geoff Johns will go by the end. I’d hate to see another “death in the DC”, but an “I love you, Willow” probably won’t eke out the requisite cleansing rehabilitative tears. Funniest moment: the bickering Brainiac 5 triplets. A+

Final Crisis: Revelations #3: Revelations ties with Legion of Three Worlds for the strongest titles of the whole Final Crisis extravaganza. I wasn’t impressed at first, but now I can’t believe the ideas that are coming up, particularly the idea that God has abandoned His creation and left it in the hands of Evil at the end of the world. I imagine for people who see 2008 as the threshold for the Last Days, that God has indeed abandoned them. Every day, I read about how Christians feel under attack from the liberal media, Islamic extremists and teh homosexual agenda. Poor things. I prefer to think that maybe we’ve outgrown that God and are moving to a place where Justice and Mercy don’t have to flow directly from Him, but stem from each of us individually. At least I hope so. Anyway, that was what I got out of this issue. A+

Runaways #2: There is a lot going on in this book for it being two issues old – an alien attack, a job for Chase, an alleged suicide attempt, new digs. It seems Terry Moore is setting up stories for the next three years, which I wouldn’t mind if it means he’s sticking around for that long. I love his Nico. I’m not sure how it does it, but her face is more cartoony that everyone else’s yet, she doesn’t stick out like Roger Rabbit. Xavin is like the clown fish of Runaways . S/he isn’t funny-ha-ha, but she can switch genders as the situation needs. This issue sees her (typically) masculine side coming out to threaten Karolina’s Majesdane attackers. But something was not sitting right with Karolina in terms of Xavin. I didn’t finish Whedon’s Runaways, though I’m not sure Whedon finished Whedon’s Runaways, so it’s possible something damaged their relationship or maybe Karolina mistrusts Xavin’s clown fishiness. Whatever the reason, it was a moment of sadness in the book. A-

Astonishing X-Men #27: Given what Warren Ellis was doing last month with The Boys, I feel this month’s X-Men to be a bit of a trap. Maybe Ellis is starting to fall into the groove of the Whedon legacy, but this is the guy who brought us Planetary and Transmetropolitan and Desolation Jones and I doubt he’s suddenly learned how to be cute. Not that he isn’t talented enough to find the cute voices in him, but he’s getting into Buffy levels of banter here. Frightening. I also think he and Brubaker are in a competition to up the ante for how sexually charged each issue can be. This month’s round goes to Ellis because bestiality (or “xenophiliac experimentation” as Agent brand puts it) always wins. My theory on this is that he has a deal with Grant Morrison to write comics that are too accessible and too inaccessible respectively and see how far their fans go to defend their writing as “cutting edge” and “metatextual” and “brilliant”. Honestly, I can explain this issue any other way. B+

Uncanny X-Men #503: The X-Men are led a merry chase through downtown San Francisco by Empath, the most evil (if not the most flimsy) of all the late Hellions. If i didn’t hate this guy before, I do now, especially since he struck a low blow to Sam Guthrie (“Dead baby brother!”), who holds a special place in my heart as showing the first naked (male) New Mutant butt during my mid-adolescence. Action aside, Scott Summers honestly needs therapy. I mean, deep-down monstrously invasive therapy. Brubaker’s entry in his competition with Ellis has Emma in Scott’s brain playing Dungeon Mistress when they’re supposed to be doing reconnaissance and he doesn’t realize it’s not really Emma!. What the…? Did Luke and Laura ever go through shit like this? No. And they live in a soap opera. And, finally, I get what Brubaker is doing with his heroic bio-captioning, something I wasn’t all that enamored of because it was too clever by half UNTIL Pixie stabs Empath right through the thought-maker and her caption says “Megan Gwynn. Pixie. X-Man.” Then I got it, and now I love Pixie. She’s not Kitty Pryde, but she’s an armed and dangerous woman. A

Wonder Woman #24: The greatest moment in this issue was Diana admitting to Tom that she doesn’t experience his touch the way that he experiences hers. This isn’t an existential statement, it’s a practical statement that I’m surprised no one has considered before. To say nothing of the lifestyle superheroes lead, some, like Diana, are almost invulnerable. What does holding hands with a beloved someone mean to them beyond a symbolic gesture of intimacy? Gail Simone’s talent for characterization and the impact of tiny moments on a story shine here. A+

Secret Invasion #6: I hear issue 8 will close this baby with a shock no one will see coming. Especially me, since I stopped reading as of this issue. F

Final Crisis: Revelations #2: For a comic universe that boasts a wide-ranging pantheon of gods, DC is certainly going Biblical on its readers (which makes sense for a comic titled “Revelations”). The rarely-seen-yet-often-referenced Judeo-Christian God places Herzims more popular props – God’s Vengeance, God’s Mercy, the Spear of Destiny and Cain – on the playing field to get… what? A story of epic scope told on street level, it’s a grand read, but how this will reach across the entire DCU is still a question I can’t answer. Unless… what if the world ended across every DC title? Like they all blinked in the same issue and then in the next all was balanced again. Grant Morrison is certainly bold enough to do this, and the DC editors have shown how good they are at handing down sweeping decrees, so, why not? I’m starting to believe that the lack of “the sky is falling” attitude, prevalent in all DC books during Crisis on Infinite Earths, is purposeful. If no one is expecting the world to end, how much more surprising it will be. A

Stephen King’s The Stand #1: The Stand is the very best in post-apocalyptic literature for me. It encompasses a bit more of the fantastic than Earth Abides or Alas, Babylon, but unlike those rather clunky tomes, King’s vision of the world ending by disease weighed on me for weeks after I was done reading. The beautiful artwork of Marvel’s adaptation alone is worth the price of the issue, but I begged off on starting this series because it’s only five issues long which in my opinion is just not enough space to cover the vastness of the original novel. Let’s call this “The Neverwhere Syndrome”. B-

In more bizarre news, has anyone seen Rob Liefeld’s Godyssey?

Runaways #1: When I last read this title, the kids were stuck in the 1800′s with someone’s out-of-time-and-still-alive parents-of-the-past out to get them and a sparkly, floaty Jezebel out to ruin the cute lesbianish couple and I didn’t care. REALLY didn’t care. I’m not certain that Joss Whedon finished that arc or that Marvel even wanted to, which is a sadness because I liked those kids (and their baby raptor, too). This week, however, sadness becomes gladness as the reliable-as-Tonto Terry Moore’s first issue on ultra-hip writing duties hits the stands. The kids are back on Earth, but aliens who have lost heir homeworld (we know this because it’s said about 12 times on the first two pages) are looking for a little remuneration all over Karolina’s butt. Moore keeps the dialogue and pace snappy and Humberto Ramos keeps the kids in chunky boots and enviable waists. I’m sold. A-

Madame Xanadu #3: At the risk of Rachel Ray Face-ing this title, I have to say I look forward to it every month more than any other title out there. Yeah, it’s only a few issues in, but Matt Wagner’s grasp on the fantastic and magickal has always been second only to Neil Gaiman… ok, and Rachel Pollack, which makes him third in line if I’m going to keep track of the numbers. But unlike Neil and Rachel who keep their magic more mythological and messianic than immoderate, Matt’s magic makes marks in the mundane. Amy Reeder Hadley’s art lends more credence to the every day magical with her clean lines and wide-eyed and elfin Nimue. Set in China 400 years after issue 2, Nimue is the court seer for Kublai Khan, foretelling the beginning of a beautiful friendship between Khan and the young Marco Polo. Then stuff goes wrong. And right. And wrong again. My great hope for this book is that one day there will be a smackdown between Nimue and Morgan le Fey in a future issue. That, and the return of Ericankhamun. A+

Kick-Ass #4: And my students say I’m a tough grader, when here I am about to hand out another A+. I have this vision of Mark Millar and JRJR on Skype for hours at a time, howling with laughter as they come up with more and more vile things for children to say and ways to cut a human body so it can bleed most profusely. Then I hear someone (probably Millar) say, “We’re going to fucking end civilization, man! Those pussies at South Park never dreamed of going this far! It’ll be kids versus parents! Murder in the marketplace! The. End. Of. EVERYTHING! God! And they PAY us to do it to them, man! They fucking pay us to be the fucking Devil!” Take my vision as you will, but I’m pretty sure that’s how this issue came about. In spite of this, I still enjoy this book. It’s not a gleeful joy, but a Very Bad Things schadenfreude. A+

Final Crisis: Superman Beyond: Read. Left. F

Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds #1: This this this THIS is how one hosts a Crisis. While I thought that his Revelations wasn’t all that revelatory, Geoff Johns’ first issue of Legion of Three Worlds has convinced me to believe that he knows what he’s doing and ride both titles all the way through. Yes, I’ll say it now: Legion of Three Worlds was perhaps the best mainstream comic I’ve read all year. Perez’s art was Perez’s art (is it ever bad? No.). And as someone who hasn’t followed the exploits of the Legion of Superheroes since Mordru was defeated in some kind of puppy pile-on back in the 70′s, I picked up on the plot almost immediately and was pulled along by the action. My only problem: what the hell is Superman doing here? Yeahyeah, it’s not the Legion without Superman, but isn’t he busy with five or six other titles (two of which have him on Crisis-duty elsewhere in the Universe)? This is more of an editorial issue than a writing issue in the final analysis, but that doesn’t make it less annoying. Still, I’m hooked. I’ll be here to see (from my keyboard to god’s ears) Superboy-Prime spanked hard at some point during this saga. Really. Redemption or no, someone better make this kid cry by the end. A+

Uncanny X-Men #501: Maybe riding the high from Legion of Three Worlds made me enjoy this issue more than I should have, but… I’m going to retract everything I said about X-Men based on reading #500. To be sure, #500 sucked (LORD, did it suck!), but #501 pulled itself out of the suckage and got me feeling all joyous and sad and angry and vengeful for the ‘tants (I’m trying out a new nickname for my favorite homo-superiors to counter the “Mutie scum” hate-cry of the new Hellfire Cult). And was that Jean Grey all decked out as Mistress of Humiliation? Maybe we’re seeing a preview of the next Millar/Land title – Phoenix: The Domination? A

1985 #4: Picked it up. Scanned it. Put it back. F

Final Crisis Revelations #1: There’s a scene in the painfully awkward and unexpectedly popular show Charmed wherein the demon Drake (acted with more zest and believability than anyone else on the show in the entire eight years of its tortured run by Billy Zane) is asked by the anemically acted Paige, “Okay, and how exactly did that (before demon, now human) happen?” to which he replies, “Personally, I hate exposition, but if… All right.” Me, too; I hate exposition. However, having said that, I don’t mind being clued in every once in a while as to what the hell is going on in a story. Libra is stronger than God’s Vengeance? The Question is stronger than The Spear of Destiny (I’m assuming that’s what it was)? And the only satisfactory way that the rabidly evil Dr. Light could be taken out was to be melted by The Spectre? Out of public view? How anti-climactic. There’s a bit of false advertising in the title of this book because not much is revealed, but there’s four issues left, so we’ll see. And though it offers no clues as to the plot, Final Crisis Counseling’s annotation of Final Crisis will draw gooey orgasmic gasps from literature folks. Maybe a reader there will put it all together for us. C+

Wonder Woman #23: Not my favorite arc in Gail Simone’s WW run so far, but it ended… well, it ended. I loved how formal Donna got with Nemesis swearing on her beating heart to be his galpal, his shoulder to cry on and that she’ll be there on his doorstep with a barrel of Ben and Jerry’s when he’s had a hard day of sanctioning people. I think she swore to braid his hair, too. Really, the whole issue was about Nemesis and making him look good. B

Helen Killer #4: I’ve been a fan of this series since before it came out, and now that it’s over, I’m glad it’s not going to overstay its welcome. Not to say I don’t want to see other (short) stories every now and again, but Helen Killer ended on a high note and that note should be allowed to sound out for a while. And I’m not saying this just because I was quoted on the back cover (second only to Stan Lee, thank you very much). Though Helen Killer is over, Andrew Kreisberg will be taking over writing duties for Green Arrow/Black Canary with issue #15. I’ve never read the title, but I will peek at it now. A+

Astonishing X-Men #25: I will say this for Simone Bianchi, he (he is a he, right?) is a risk-taker when it comes to laying out a page. He also loves his spacecrafts. Truth be told I love his spacecrafts. What I don’t like are his ink washes and his portrayal of Storm. How he can make salvaged UFOs float like hot-air balloons, but make her look like a rice sack in flight is a question I can’t answer. Warren Ellis deepens the mystery of the previous issue while ignoring Uncanny X-Men‘s ignoring his work. Still, I remain unconvinced that I’ll be keeping this title for more than another month or two. I like the premise, it’s just not a fun read. B

Secret Invasion #5: I swore I wasn’t going to pick up this issue, but when I glanced at it in the store, it looked like the plot was moving forward, so I bought it (I seem to have forswearn myself more than once recently). And, to Bendis’ credit, it did. To Bendis’ detriment, it’s still issue 5 and I’ve waited this long to see that the Skrulls have become intergalactic Republicans who want to save us from ourselves (allegedly). Not conquerors. They’re on our side. Really. They know what’s best for us. Cuz… uhm, yeah, they have an empire. HUGE empire. Right? Right. Oh, and *single tear* for Mockingbird. C+

In geek news, check out the cute old school AD&D alignments poster, but that’s all. Don’t read the rest of the site:





In non-comics-related news, four men claim to have a Bigfoot corpse in their freezer. Skeptics going on photographic evidence only, pooh pooh the claim. I’d like to believe this, but one of the four’s brother-in-law posed as a biologist to support their claims. When discovered, they claimed it was only a joke, but despite that, the Bigfoot corpse is real.

Worth1000.com is having a “Photoshop an AD&D Monster” contest. My bother is going to enter a… ha ha ha. That’s a secret for now. When his entry is accepted, I’ll post the link here for voting purposes.

Manhunter #33: *single tear* There’s no Blue Beetle in this issue (from all appearances, he was drafted into Final Crisis #3 to do.. whatever it is that’s going on in that book), but there are still guest-appearances galore, and hints of a major ass-kicking next issue by some of my favorite DC ladies. Kate hasn’t done anything of questionable morality lately, and I’m wondering if she’s lost her edge being a family woman now. Nah. Still, Kate needs some ethical dilemma to cut her way through. And soon! A-

Final Crisis #3 Since this series began I was under the impression that it was going to touch all the titles of the DCU, but I’ve recently been told otherwise. This confuses me because I know that Morrison is a great writer who doesn’t go in for half-told tales, yet Final Crisis continues to give only glimpses into the full story of the “War of the Fourth World” (as I see it shaping up to be) while wasting time on sub-plots and characters who ultimately don’t do anything. Again, maybe “don’t do anything yet,” but still, the waiting is getting painful. I don’t love FC, but I’m not ready to drop it either. The regeneration of the Forever People as Japanese pop heroes is a funny sub-plot and I’m always wanting news of my grrlfriend Mary Marvel. Morrison once gave 6 billion people super-powers to stop an alien invasion, so what will he do this time to save the world? B

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #17: Really, Joss? Dark Willow? Again? 200 years in the future and dressed like Mary Shelly? Really, Joss? C

The Boys #21: I should have collected this series from issue one, but a review by someone whose opinion I respect overrode my curiosity, and didn’t think that the series was worth a look. Eventually, my scholarly nature overrode my repulsion and I took a look. I can’t disagree with many things that have been said about The Boys: it’s depraved, sexist, decadent, self-indulgent, tawdry and 1,000 other denigrating adjectives that add up to one of the edgiest reads since The Walking Dead. Being a completist, I’m definitely going to find the back issues and enjoy the horror. A+

Marry Me: I’m not a big fan of Amerimanga (or whatever the kids call it these days) – American artists borrowing manga styles stroke-for-stroke – because it’s so… stylishless, like a dress made of beautiful fabric held together with staples. Still, Marry Me is a cute and breakneck-paced romantic comedy that will be made into a November-release movie within the next year, no doubt. B+

Myth #1: Ah, yes, PORN! Mystech porn! Mystech gay porn stacked full of semi- to fully-naked men all of whom are hung like the tentacles from that squid in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees, I have no idea what happened in the story, but it seemed hot. Really, where do guys like that hang out and can I get a membership? Oh! Accidental pun! B+

Why Do You Cry When I’m on Top?: Funny shit even if it’s all absurd potty humor pushed past good taste but without entering crass. B

In the news, Jeff Trexler of uncivilsociety.org has posted an enlightening article about the early creative history of Superman entitled “Lois Lane’s Abortion and the Gay Superman”. A deeper look at these documents is in Men of Tomorrow: Geeks, Gangsters, and the Birth of the Comic Book, which I highly recommend.

As we turn to our video video features for the week, I’m going to note again that I’m not a big believer in permanently linking to YouTube as they appear and disappear so frequently. I’d honestly rather have my own copy to distribute, but that’s not always possible. Therefore, I offer up these transitory morsels. First, The Muppets’ Beaker performing Ode to Joy:





Then, the never-before-seen-now-virally-seen pilot of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Animated Series:




And finally, I cannot believe that Bill Donohue hasn’t had a rage-induced stroke over the soon-to-be-released Hamlet 2 and its musical interlude, “Rock Me, Sexy Jesus”:

I’ve been away from “That’s My Bag” for a few weeks for two reasons: I was trying to get my review of Justin Hall and Dave Davenport’s Hard to Swallow #3 for Prism Comics (which turned out to be much better as an interview (can I say how much these guys crack me up?)), and for two weeks when I went to ABC there wasn’t anything I couldn’t live without or I would buy one book and not want to talk about it on its own. Finally this week I have five books to review.

Grendel: Behold the Devil #8: Whu..? But she said… And then he… Why did…? Fail. F

1985 #2: The first of my ambivalent reviews. I like it, but the build-up is a bit slow, like the story is being parsed out so it can support six issues instead of four. Of course, it could be that the plot is so awesome that it requires this much groundwork to be laid before said awesomeness can be revealed. Here’s hoping. B

Final Crisis #2: I didn’t hate this issue, but at the same time I didn’t see any reason to love it. I still don’t know how Final Crisis can be going on at the same time as Trinity, but there’s no reference to one in the other. Also, didn’t Turpin meet Darkseid’s new body last issue? So, why is he now being referenced as “the father of Kalibak”? Have the gods of Apokalypse gone viral? I’m intrigued if only because the information presented so far is too sparse to see the Big Picture, but far-ranging enough to know there is a Big (if not Supremely Large) Picture to be seen. But, really, what does a barroom brawl between metas in Tokyo have to do with anything and will it be worth the 8 out of 30 pages spent on it (I’m actually hoping Sonny Sumo will turn out to be Barda and with Mister Miracle being a mysterious black man, well… go, gay gods, go!). B

Madame Xanadu #1: I’ve been hurt by you before, Matt Wagner, and you know what it is you’ve done to me. Yes, I’ve seen you become unnecessarily intent on your choice of cold cuts at the supermarket when you see me pass through produce. It’s your guilt, Matt. You can’t bring yourself to look at me and with good reason. You should feel bad about what you’ve done, and if you lead me astray again with Madame Xanadu, I’ll give up all pretense of us trying to “just be friends.” (a cautious) A

Wonder Woman #21: I know Gail has a plan for this story arc, but I wish she’d clue the rest of us in. Also, I’ve seen Diana’s red talon before; I just can’t remember where. B

Giant-Size Astonishing X-Men #1: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A+

Final Crisis #1: There will be inevitable comparisons to the first DC crisis (Crisis on Infinite Earths), and Final Crisis may look a bit worse for it. In the first crisis, even though we knew universes were being destroyed and that the cloud would eventually come to the proper DCU, there was enough suspense about the who and the why (to say nothing of the excitement of seeing every DCU character interacting and the shocking deaths along the way) to buoy readers along and advance the plot. Final Crisis plods unnecessarily through the first issue and nothing really happens. I’m sure Grant Morrison has an amazing trick up his sleeve to get everything back to rights, but his leisurely legerdemain had me crying in frustration. And how did John Stewart not recognize Orion? Anyone remember a little thing called Cosmic Odyssey? C-

1985 #1: Millar is all about the intersection of reality and superheroes, as evidenced by Kick Ass, Ultimates and now 1985. Having been a young comics nerd in 1985 myself, there’s a lot of familiarity in these pages, especially in the comic shop with the wall-of-nostalgic-covers, but the story doesn’t compel me to read further. Really, do the centerpiece villains have the be the Vulture and the Mole Man? C

Thor #9: This will, no doubt, be my last issue of Thor. I liked the idea of him reconstituting the Asgardians and making neighbors with the Kansasians, but with this issue, we’re back to Loki (Lokie? Lokishe? Lokette?) trying to fuck around with everyone and divide loyalties and make herself look better than she really is. It’s the old Thor storylines again. This saddens me because the book started off hot, now it’s back to the tepidness that got it canceled in the first place. C

Hellblazer #144: Stories about libraries of “lost” books are like porn to me. Tales of bad popes and a Deity that really does watch what we do and secret theologies are dangerous porn, but more compelling than “cuz the Bible tells me so.” Hellblazer is my new dudetube. A+

House of Mystery #1: I know I enjoyed reading this book, but I’m not as interested in the “plot” as I am in the stories the people in the house tell (or will tell). Call me old-fashioned, but I’d like to see something like the original House of Mystery with several enjoyable, fun and vile stories per issue. B+

Wonder Woman #20: Wonder Woman meets Beowulf and The Stalker. Nice and kitschy with a strong retro spin. So very 2008. A

Grendel: Behold the Devil #7: Oh, Matt. MattMattMattMattMatt. You tricked me again. It’s my fault, really. I was bedazzled by your violent streak and charmed by your body count. The zombies distracted me from the flimsy story and now… the final betrayal: your penultimate issue is a summary of all the old Comico Grendel incarnations: Christine Spar and on. Oh, Matt. That’s why the Good Lord invented Wikipedia. D

The Dresden Files #1 – 2: SciFi couldn’t get it right, and gods love the Dabel Brothers for trying to get it right, but Harry Dresden still doesn’t have a decent half-life outside of his novel element. The story – Welcome to the Jungle – is intriguing, but the characters seem uncharacteristic, and the art is of the Witchblade boobs-and-abs-a-poppin’ style, which the cover art completely belies. B-

Teen Titans Year One #4: Can these Titans do anything without Robin? Can they even have character development without him? I know he’s the heart and soul of the team, but he gets way too much panel time and long Hamlet-esque brooding scenes. C+

DC Universe #0: The prelude to Final Crisis is a bit overwrought with its language, but the plot points it covers make the main book seem to be worth reading once it arrives. My only question is “what was up with the stripper club?” C-

Power Pack Day One #1 – 2: I BIG HEART Power Pack when I was in high school. I like this redux, but I’m confused as to where this falls in Marvel chronology. They’ve obviously met Franklin Richards, who claims to have no usable powers of his own, but he already has his honorary Power Pack uniform. Ah well. It’s a cute read. A-

In other news, I saw Iron Man at the Drafthouse last night. Finally, a superhero movie that knows how to build up action and deliver an unrestrained, climatic battle royale! And be sure to stay after the credits for a bonus scene that will be (somwhat) paralleled in The Incredible Hulk later this summer!!