How I wish this graph from GraphJam weren’t as true as it is:

If I had a criticism, it’s that the creator was too generous with the “time spend doing legitimate research.” As a teacher I rely on my also being a tutor to know when my students show up at the Learning Lab to start typing their homework (sadly ranging from twenty minutes to an hour before the paper is due). Not that I wouldn’t be able to divine it even if I couldn’t see it every day with my own eyes. At the beginning of the semester, I do diagnostic essays with all my students to get a baseline on their skills and weaknesses. If in a matter of hours their English-aptness suddenly includes words like “frissible” or sentences like “It has been said that Derrida was the Camilla Paglia of his time but with a better haircut” I’m pretty sure that the work has been “wiki-enhanced”. Yet, for some reason, my students think I won’t notice or, worse, that I’ll let it slide, which is why I find find this graph to be more true and therefore more disturbing:





Let me tell you a story.

I hate plagiarism. I find it unnecessary, lazy and, quite frankly, insulting (see “baseline skills” above). At the beginning of every semester when I review my syllabus, I spend a good 10 – 15 minutes explaining what I think of plagiarism and cheating (see previous sentence) and what will happen if I catch a student engaging in this behavior (“I will make it my mission to be sure you are kicked out of school and not allowed back in. Don’t believe me? Try it. You’ll see what happens. Still don’t believe me? I’ll bet you know at least two students I’ve had expelled. Ask them if I’m serious.”). And yet every semester someone (sometimes “someones“) tries to pass off a Google-bite as their own. Worse, when I tell them they’re out of my class they argue with me even after I show them the print out of the page they copy-and-pasted.

Last semester, a student – I can’t remember her name so we’ll call her “Twyla McLesbianish” – was absent when we did in-class peer-editing, so it was up to me to give feedback on her rough draft. Which I did. Which wasn’t her work. Transparently. Obviously. Not. Her. Work. Twelve seconds on Google got me the article her intro was taken from. Twelve. So, I decided to do… nothing. If this student was honest, she would recognize her work as a fraud and change it to reflect her own abilities; however, if she were out for a “fast A”, then I’d let her hang herself.

She decided to hang herself in the final draft.

So, I did what I said I was going to do: I wrote a note on Twyla’s paper explaining why she was be withdrawn from my class, stapled the Google page to “her” paper, copied all of it and submitted it to the Dean, then deleted her from my class and gradebook. And just because I’m a swell guy, I emailed her as well, just so she wouldn’t show up to class unnecessarily.

The next day, Twyla came up to me in the tutoring center to ask me about a homework assignment that was due in an hour *sigh* I was somewhat taken aback because I knew she had a Sidekick and was forever checking her email, texting friends and writing Odes to Kristy McNichol on her blog. Nevertheless, I asked her if she had received my email from the previous day. She said she hadn’t. I switched into emotional neutral and explained my withdrawing her.

Normally, when I speak to students – anyone, really – I try to keep things light and jovial. However in situations like this, I remove all traces of my personality from the equation, just so no one gets the impression that I think what they did is funny or “no big deal” or that I in some way approve. I’ve recently been told this gives me a bulldoggish appearance, and I look more aggressive than passive. Students later complain that i was “mean” to them, when really I was trying to not be mean. Next time it happens (and it will) I’ll have to make a run for a mirror and see for myself how fearsome I become.

Twyla denied any wrongdoing even when I showed her her paper and the printed page from where she had lifted the text. No, I wrote that myself. What an odd coincidence! I maintained that such “coincidences” were still frowned upon, and that I had already withdrawn her from class. This was notification, not bargaining. But I didn’t cheat!

I’m sorry you think that, but I’m holding the proof here in my hands that you did.

Twyla then tried anger:

You hate Deaf people! (This goat-song has got to be the worst meme invented (personally I point to Toxic Bitch and Alleged Rapist as the flashpoint for all this chest-pounding and bleating), yet I hear it every semester with the regularity of my dog farting. If I really hated Deaf people would I have stayed in the Deaf Ed Biz for 15 years? Probably not.)

No. I hate cheating.

And because no argument is complete without triangulation, Twyla announced, I’m telling P. about this! (P. works in the registrars office as a counselor and, as much as I love her, she is really the wrong person to complain to. My boss’ name is M. She‘s the appropriate person to complain to, but she has the nose of a bloodhound when it comes to smelling bullshit at 50 paces, which, of course, is not what my students want. Honestly, P. has the same kind of nose, but she comes off as more sympathetic to the students than M. does, even if the end result is the same.)

Well, have fun with that. You’re still out of my class.

The events of the next few days leading up to the meeting with P. included a pre-meeting meeting with Patti (adults only), scheduling and re-scheduling said meeting, fending off ridiculous statements from my colleague Donika like I have a student crying in my office about being withdrawn from your class. Why don’t we try to solve this misunderstanding?, and enduring watching Twyla tell all the Deaf students within eyeshot of me how unfair I am and how much I hate Deaf people (see above) and how there should be a petition going around to get me fired blah blah blah. And when it came down to it, the whole kerfuffle felt just like “blah blah blah“:

Meeting with P. blah blah blah.

Further denial of wrongdoing blah blah blah.

My producing evidence to the contrary blah blah blah blah.

Student claiming she didn’t do it (it seems it was her girlfriend who typed the paper, which doesn’t help her case at all as it’s still an expulsive offense (“unauthorized collaboration”); which makes me wonder how said girlfriend would feel about being thrown under the bus that way) blah blah blah.

My expressing no sympathy blah blah blah.

Student threatening to call her parents (even though FERPA laws prevent me from discussing any student’s grade with any person in the world except said student) blah blah blah.

My explaining FERPA to student blah blah blah.

Student deciding to escalate to my boss, M. blah blah blah.

Huffy departure from P.’s office blah blah blah.

My wondering why I still do this blah blah blah.

By this time, I had spent almost three hours explaining a policy I had already taken 15 minutes to explain on the first day of class, compared to the 75 seconds it took me to identify the cheating and fill out the withdrawal paperwork. My ray of hope was that M. would look at the student and say, “Get out of my office.” Which she did. Metaphorically speaking (M.’s too classy a dame to be that dismissive).

So, long story short: I have no sympathy for people who cheat and waste my time. I have even less time and sympathy for liars who want to avoid the consequences of their actions. So, if any of my students are reading this, be warned. Again.

What could I say that the media hasn’t already said in the palest, most unoffending way? What haven’t I screamed in the last five years that one more angry rant would magnify? Instead, I give you Mark Twain’s prescient The War Prayer, interpreted by Muse Media.

Oh, Lord, was it ever!

As I write this at the end of an eight-hour shift of self- and other-promotion, I am mentally and physically drained. I teach for a living, so when I’m in front of a class, I’m “on” – engaging, friendly, funny, trying to make a point whatever way works best to make it – but STAPLE took a different set of mental muscles that I’m not used to flexing. Honestly, I don’t know how people in the PR business do it. But the trade was brink all day and I sold more of my comics than I think I ever have in a single sitting. Uhm, maybe just “ever” full stop. I know I ran out of issue #2 of Frater Mine. Take that as you will.

The real sadness of STAPLE for me was not being able to walk around more. I was tethered to my table because it was just me and my wares. The woman sharing my table, Cristina Benavides, was swell and all, but it wasn’t her responsibility to conduct business for me (though, Gods love her, she kept an eye on my stuff when I went to the loo). However, the people I met at the table more than made up for not checking out the other vendors. (Note: Anyone want to be my partner-in-geekdom next year?)

• The guys from Fanboy Video gave me a few of my fifteen minutes of fame early on at the expo. They hit everyone so that people who didn’t attend STAPLE could see what they were missing. I’ll post more when they go live. These guys are also highly involved in Heroes 4 Heroes, a non-profit designed to keep the soldiers overseas in-tune with what’s new and hip and happening stateside. No matter what your take on the Iraq Occupation, the soldiers need to feel that people back home remember them. They’d probably also like to know what the hell is gong on over here. Consider making a donation to the people who are far from home.
• Dave and Lauren, Kate, and James (with his friend Dan) all said hi. It’s nice when known faces swim up out of the crowd. I probably wasn’t as attentive as I could have been, but I’m sure they understood. I hope. Uh, if not, I hereby apologize.
• Brad of Outrageous Outfits (and AlphaGraphics) and his partner stopped by for a copy of Prism Comics: Your LGBT Guide to Comics 2007 and told me all about the fun costumes they make. They’re also planning to go to San Francisco for their anniversary if anyone wants to give them some touring hints!
• Alex of UT’s University Comics Enthusiasts talked with Cristina and I for a while and lamented he was the only one from his club at STAPLE. Apparently, enthusiasm for comics wanes after a Saturday night of hard partying. Those college scamps!
• I did manage to buy an Owli plush toy and a copy of “A Time to be Brave” (brain children of Andy Runton) for my nephew. Shh!!!! They’re a surprise!
• Because STAPLE celebrates all exhibitionists in all forms of media, some chick (caller? manager? audio editor?) from Dial-a-Stranger gave me her card and told me to call. I’m not sure I have problems big enough to garner public opinion on. Maybe that’s my problem.
• One of the guys from SpaceSquid told me to tell you that they are always looking for submissions of all kinds for their publication. He also gave me a copy of SpaceSquid’s Slacker Map of Austin which I’m hoping he’ll send me an image of; it was a hoot!
• Finally, Shane Patrick Boyle, whom I haven’t seen in ages, made a last minute appearance. He’s gained weight since last I saw him, which is a good thing. Before, if he stuck his tongue out, he’d look like a zipper.

Surprisingly, the eight hours passed quickly because of all the traffic, but even so, at 7, I packed up what was left and went home to fall asleep on the couch with the dog. No after-party for me. Assuming I’m still here next year (which is a stretch at this point), I’ll be back. STAPLE was an event not to be missed (even if I missed everything)!

On a related note: a guy from Monkey Wrench Books and I were talking about the sad state of comics and how they’re becoming more cookie-cutter and interchangeable than ever. For the most part, I think this is true, though there are obviously some exceptions to the rule. Then I caught myself in a contradiction: I lamented that writers take forever to get their issues out and “monthly” mags are.. well, what comes after “quad-monthly”? Like Joss Whedon’s Runaways; when was the last time a new issue came out? I even told my friend Brian, “Seriously, what can’t these guys pull their crap together?”

Wait. Let’s look at that: I want monthly issues and fantastic writing? Is it even possible to get both?

So, let me qualify what I mean: I wish that writers were given humane deadlines to do their work in so that there could be more quality work out there. Many stories do seem interchangeable sometimes. I’m sure Marvel and DC give their writers a headstart on their runs, but, man, sometimes it seems like a superhuman effort to write three issues a year (well, aiming for three. more like 2 1/2), but then again, i have a full-time job, too. People like Neil Gaiman must never sleep, or are driven by their stories to get them on paper before they’re allowed to sleep. Maybe these guys who are late with their work are better writers.

Except Heinberg and his run on Wonder Woman. There was no excuse for that suckage.

Which is a GREAT segue into Justice League: A New Frontier. Did you see it? Wasn’t it AWESOME?!?!? It managed to capture the Silver Age/Golden Age characters and the emotions of their relationships with each other and still tell a good story; no angst, just saving-the-world fun. That scene between Iris and Barry towards the end? Broke my heart. I loved Barry and Iris. Why did they have to die? Why did iris have to be from the future? Why did impulse have to be killed? Really, people should be MAD about New Frontier. It’s like they said on the Daily Show about Bush being in Africa: they think he’s a hero for everything he does for them while we can only stare in wonder and think, “You mean you COULD do good, but just chose not to??? What the f—?!??!” (I paraphrase here, of course).

I digress, but am I wrong? Let me know.

Bed now.

Unless u gonna pays us.

This is what is passing for “innovative education” these days:

FAIRBURN, Ga. (AP) – Learning is supposed to be its own reward, but when that doesn’t work, should students get paid to do it? That’s the question two Georgia schools are asking in a 15-week pilot program that is paying high-schoolers struggling in math and science $8 an hour to attend study hall for four hours a week. The privately-funded “Learn & Earn” initiative, an idea from former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, is touted as the first of its kind in the state and one of a few similar programs nationwide. “We want to try something new,” said Jackie Cushman, Gingrich’s daughter and co-founder of the group funding the initiative. “We’re trying to figure out what works. Is it the answer? No. Is it a possible idea that might work? Yes.”

Forty students at Bear Creek Middle School and Creekside High School, both in the Atlanta suburb of Fairburn, began participating in the program Tuesday. The eighth- and 11th-graders chosen had to be under-performing in math and science, and many are eligible for free or reduced-cost lunches.

The hope is that the bribes will boost students’ motivation to learn, attend class and get better grades. Aside from the hourly wage, eighth-graders will get a $75 bonus, and 11th-graders $125, if they improve their math and science grades to a B and achieve certain test scores. For the older kids, that adds up to $605 for a semester of studying.

Cushman said the initiative is aimed at math and science because many student struggle in those subjects even if they excel in others.

The offer could help poor students who need the money and otherwise might choose a minimum-wage job over studying, said Jerome Morris, an associate professor at the University of Georgia’s College of Education. He also noted that parents who have the means to reward their children for performing well in school have done so for decades.

“Poor families just can’t do that,” Morris said. “They have to tell their children, ‘You have to go to school just to learn.’”

The director of a private center aimed at improving motivation, however, said plying kids with cash is a desperate move by school officials. “They have not figured out a way to self-motivate these kids,” said Peter A. Spevak, director of the Center for Applied Motivation in Washington, D.C. “What really drives a person is the desire to do well and the good feeling you have after doing your best every day.” Paying children to learn may work in the short term, but before long, the luster could wear off and they may look to up the ante, Spevak said. Ultimately, it could become a losing game. “When you take the money away, assuming it has been effective, people sometimes get angry or disillusioned,” he said. “They may start to wonder where the next prize is coming from.”

The $60,000 initiative is being funded by Atlanta businessman Charles Loudermilk, founder of Aaron Rents, through the Learning Makes a Difference Foundation Inc., an Atlanta-based nonprofit that funds innovative education programs and was founded by Gingrich’s daughters.

Alexis Yarger, one of the Fairburn program’s participants, is eager to try anything to improve her grades. The 16-year-old Creekside junior plans to attend Spelman College, and says that although she’s doing OK in science, “Math is not my best.” Yarger, who has a part-time job at Burger King, said she was interested in the program even before she heard about the financial incentives. She would have taken part even without the money, she said, but her father said the cash doesn’t hurt. “It’s a good motivational tactic,” Anthony Yarger said. “Whether it’s a dollar or a candy bar, if it’s helpful, I support it.”

Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

As an educator, I find it very hard to attribute any sort of “innovation” to this program, nor do I find much in the ways of “education” therein. What I see are bribes (the article said it first; I just happen to agree with it) that are supposed to motivate students to study more and (perhaps) learn more. Here’re the problems I see:

1. What motivated students 60 years ago? I’ll have to ask my Mom, but what got her going to school in the morning when she was a teenager (in the 50′s nonetheless)? A deep-seated need to learn? A love for the written word? An obsession with math? Fear of my grandparents’ wrath? Probably the wrath. And i know my grandparents wanted their kids to have to work less hard than they did (both my grandparents worked in factories every day until they retired), so the wrath was, no doubt, motivated by love, but it was still wrath. Hell, even the kids I went to school with (whether my friends went to private or public school) were terrified to disappoint their parents (though we had our fair share of slackers (for private school), most of whom didn’t make it to graduation). And I’d have to say that kids these days aren’t scared of their parents like we were. Looking at some of the kids i teach/have taught, I know my parents would have murdered me in my sleep and buried me in the cabbage patch if I behaved the way they do. With love, of course.

2. Is it really a function of economics? It seems too simplistic to say that, but this program seems to cater to the idea that poor kids need financial motivation to succeed, and that it is impossible to go to school and have a part-time job after school and do one’s homework. Yet, I know all of my friends had jobs growing up, and we all did well in school. So, what else is there? Granted, we were all hopelessly middle-class (in attitude if not in actual assets), but I knew kids whose families were in dire straits at times (like mine, though my Mom did a good job of hiding it). So, why not now? I can’t believe it’s only economics.

3. Knowledge is everyone’s right. It is my belief that knowledge is free for the asking and that it is never idle. Eventually, one bit of information in one’s head is going to hook up with another bit of information and voilà: intelligence! Knowledge is free and everyone should have access to it.

4. School is becoming less and less of a right and more and more of a privilege. But from the bottom up, which means that students see school as a burden, so instead of demanding better education, they demand less of it. However, in this, they are like many adults who traded their rights for more security after 9/11, and look where that’s gotten us. I fear in the next 100 years, school will be an option, not a requirement. Hell, 100 years ago, only 31 states required children to attend school, so it’s not like the “in school ’til you’re 18″ idea has been around for long time. It could change again at any time.

5. What about students who do well already? How unfair is this?

6. Are there just too many kids in the world? I think there may be too many kids and not enough teachers, but can you blame people for not wanting to teach? Teaching is not a glamorous career, the rewards few, the pay little, the stress high and the support (from parents (who want their kids to be educated but unchallenged) and administrators (who don’t want to go one or two rounds with the parents on tough issues) nil. And it seems that the middle (as in “teaching to the middle”) gets closer to “the bottom” every year. I fear for my nephew who will be starting kindergarten next year. Dominic is a bright little kid (duh, given who his father is) and I would hate to see him go through school unchallenged because the standards have been set so low. Hell, I would hate that for anyone’s kids.

Thoughts? Ideas? Am I totally off base here?

In other unbelievable news, a minor teen boarded a plane with handcuffs, duct tape and a rope on his person. His plan was to hijack the plane and fly it into a building where Hannah Montana would be performing. Way to go airport security! It makes me feel soooooo safe inside knowing the f-ing PATRIOT ACT is working, and I only had to have some of my civil liberties sacrificed for it. Let’s see if the kid is charged as a crazy teen or as a terrorist. Really, there’s no “right” answer here per se, I just want to see how it’s handled.

Assclowns.

Yeah, I don’t know why I keep watching either

BUT

I was pumped for Helen “Supergirl” Slater to be guest appearing as Lara-El (another L.L. (well, “L. El”) in Superman’s life). How is it possible that she’s even more adorable now than she was when she was 20? She still has that strange, breathy, hesitant cadence (but with a huskier bouquet) which I always found to be charming. I just wanted to reach into the screen and hug her, she was so sweet.

BUT

Dammit. I was on the couch with the dog and the housemate working ourselves into a frenzy PRAYING that the people who write Smallville would let Lara do some aerial ballet just before she read Zor-El his beads. How COOL would THAT have been???

BUT

No. Lara, for whatever reason, remained powerless. No flight, no super-strength, not even an accidental super-sneeze. Then there was Zor-El, zipping around like HE was the Last Son of Krypton (for as many of them as there are “last”) sent to Earth 20-some years ago with all that time to develop his powers. But, for having been “born” at the same moment as Zor-El, Lara stayed essentially human. Helen Slater was terribly underused

AND

Since when does blue kryptonite render Superman powerless? Wasn’t that the only kryptonite he suffered no ill effects from? The only kryptonite that would hurt Bizarro?

AND

Why all the “it happened off-stage” moments this season? God, it’s worse than Battlestar Galactica‘s starting with an action sequence then flashing “24 hours earlier” across the screen every single week. Kara betrays kal-el? The ring is removed? Clark searches high and low for the missing Kara for almost 20 seconds before he exhausts all possible places to look?

ALSO

Have the current writers not seen previous seasons? I SWEAR Julian Luthor came back before only to die miserably in a back alley somewhere. And GAWD that clunky exposition scene between “Grant” and Lex! Then Jor-El says he will “finally” apply a consequence for Clark’s disobeying him AGAIN? What was Season 4 all about? What kind of control issues does this guy have?

ARGH.

No, really. Why do I do this every week?