News of the Right

Kick Ass #8

The final issue of Kick Ass is just about what everyone expected it to be: loud, hyper-violent, and calculated to offend as many people as possible with… well, pick your issue. It’s bound to be there. and I say “calculated” in the most cynical way possible. Even going back to the solicit, which asks “Who will be morally outraged?” (when there’s not a single character in the book that knows what morality looks like let alone if outrage is an option), it’s obvious this finale was designed to provoke a reaction from the audience. Mark Millar went where “Heroes” couldn’t/wouldn’t/was unable to go with the “superheroes in real life” theme, and how messed up it really would be. Overall, however, Kick Ass is like watching porn: lots of button-mashing and screaming and penetrations climaxing with everyone screaming as the money shot splooshes out, covering everything. It is a comic fanboy’s wet-dream brought to the page. I have to applaud Millar for doing what no one has really done before: delving into angsty-teen-comic-fan-fic comic stories and making at living at it (then again there is the inexplicable popularity of “Twilight” and “Wicked Lovely”). If “nuance” is what you’re looking for, well, that’s why there are movies like “When in Rome” (I jest, of course. “When in Rome” is as subtle as a skinhead at a Seder.). I just help but wonder that I read this series the whole way through. Maybe because it betokens the future of comics writing.
Grade: C

Madame Xanadu #19

Madame Xanadu is one book I look forward to every month. Oddly, this month’s issue was supposed to be the conclusion of a story, but instead there was an overwrought “aside” about Nimue and Morgana’s childhood together (an extremely long childhood, at that). I know that Matt Wagner is often overwrought, but usually that can be forgiven because of the art that accompanies the story. This is one of those titles where the art means so much to the words. Amy Reed Hadley, who normally illustrates, is off this month, replaced by Joelle Jones, and the story is just kind of “OK”. Amy brings some real magic to Matt Wagner’s words, and without her, this chapter seems both unnecessary and ugly.
Grade: C+

The folks over at CPB are taking a week off to get ourselves ready to advance from beta to… is it “alpha”? “The Omega Opening” (and doesn’t that sound tawdry?)? I have no idea. What happens after “beta”? Whatever it’s called, we’re heading there and I get to come back here to Orthocomics, do my reviews, and figure out what’s to become of the blog while CPB takes off.

Batman and Robin #3: Like a steak and potato dinner, this was satisfying. Very satisfying. Like, eating said steak and potato dinner, sleeping for a few days to wake up and discover you’ve lost 7 pounds not from a wasting disease satisfying. Leave it to GMo to come up with an airborne addiction and sound effects like “HAUUU NAUUUUU!” Frightening. A-

Batman: Widening Gyre #1: If I’m going to point Fingers of Blame ™ at anyone for this… let’s call it “a second chance gone awry”, it’ll be Mike Marts and Dan Didio for failing to do their jobs as editors. I know that Kevin Smith is pretty famous for his spaghetti-and-aspic-on-the-wall-let’s-see-what-sticks-and-gels approach to writing; I also know that mileage varies from work to work (compare Dogma to Chasing Amy). Yet for some reason, Marts and Didio seem to have not known this, or at least didn’t let it bother them in the editing process. I’ll admit that I bought this issue for the cover art (levels and levels above the interior art) and the title (“Widening Gyre”, how cool of a title is that?), so anything beyond this should be gravy, right? Sure, but lumpy, orange-flavored beef gravy? Maybe not so much. The mish-mash of multiple guest stars, incongruent backstories, and out-of-character speeches (Batman: “Sonnuva.. the kid pulled a ME.”; Etrigan: “No way…”) and nonchalant conflict resolution read more as “we need to fill pages” than “we’re telling a complex story”. D

Detective Comics #856: I still can’t put into exact words why I like this series as much as I do. The story has the hallucinogenic effect of Alice in Wonderland, a dream populated by bleary-eyed sleepers and hunters. I do know that I have to pick up the Crime Bible: Five Lessons in Blood to get a better handle on what this Religion of Crime is all about. B+

Madame Xanadu #14: There’s wisdom that says “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!” but I’ve been expecting it to turn its attention to Madame X and her lady-love Marisol for some time now. I applaud these women for being bold enough to stay in Spain while, ya know, people are being killed to the left and right around them for offenses far less serious than acting out scenes from “Hot Babes in Loose Skirts.” However, not arming themselves or being more cautious or living somewhere deeper in the woods was just utter foolishness on their parts. Seriously, when the Christianists have their way with America and I become illegal for just being, I’m going to be fortified enough to take at least a dozen with me when they show up at my door. Yeah, “and your little god too!” Having said that, I like this issue, except for Kaluta’s strange rendition of the female form on the cover. I make fun of Greg Land for his impossible breasts and ineptitude in connecting head bones to neck bones and on down the line, but Kaluta has surpassed the master with his frightening Holocaust Special Madame X. B

Wonder Woman #36: I think Diana takes on too much responsibility that isn’t hers. Yeah, yeah, she’s got the whole wide world on her shoulders and has had for some time now, but taking Pele’s accusations of being complicit in Zeus’ murder of Zane, and “set[ting her] father alone against the wrath of [her] entire pantheon” is supporting an unduly free interpretation of the events. I’m sure she’s feels guilty about Zane’s death and all, but making a pledge to Pele when she’s just crawled out from under her Amazonian vows seems like she’s not thinking clearly at all. And awwh poor Tom! How is Diana going to explain her “I never loved you” away? I’m sensing a new direction for Diana, but it seems like Gail Simone is also only sensing it. B

New Mutants #4: Ah well, that was a disappointing read. Yeah, my girl Illyana got some scary one-liners off, but all in all, I think I’ve read this story before; ya know, “Legion screws everything up before the Muties pull it together.” I’m not digging the trophic characterizations (especially, God help us, with the dialogue) when by this time the Muties should be more individuated.

Dark Avengers #8: Angt! More angst! Less fighting for the sake of fighting and more angst! Jeez, what happened to the promise of the first issue? C

Detective Comics #854: Finally Batwoman! I have to admit I was a little nervous to get this comic at first because it’s written by Greg Rucka. 52 Greg Rucka (though to be fair, he wasn’t alone in that mess. Still, once bitten, twice shy.). Rucka’s story is lyrical, almost a song or part of an opera. If the art were in anyone else’s hands besides J. H. Harrison’s, the book would totally fall apart like a cheap red wig. For now, I’m hooked. A

Wonder Woman #33: I’m running dangerously close to giving Gail Simone Rachel Ray Face, so all I’m going to say is that this was another excellent read except the end was a bit to abrupt for me. One more issue to resolve the Genocide threat (or at least make its whereabouts more clear) and to really let Zeus and Ares’ plans unfold into a HUGE (well, HUGE-er) mess! Ah, well. B

Madame Xanadu #12: Matt and Michael’s Exodus Noir reminds me of the old Sandman Mystery Theatre – sort of dark, sort of sketchy, sort of fun, but always heading towards a horrible end for the titular character. Oooh, foreshadowing. A

Thor #602: Gods are strange creatures of inertia and folly, like really big rocks rolling down a hill. Or across the bottom of a river. I’ve yet to see any compelling evidence that they think anything through before they go off half-cocked and do it (yeah, I’m looking at you, too, Genesis!). Even the “good” ones let their goodness get in the way of accomplishing anything truly “good”. For example, moving all the Asgardians to Latveria – totally poorly planned. Keeping Loki around when no one trusts him/her – well, that just defies wisdom. Weird that the one mortal in the company of the gods is the only one who wants to actively squelch evil. A

Uncanny X-Men #512: My so far least favorite aspect of the team – The X-Club – heads back to the turn of the 20th century to find the parental DNA of the original Mutant X, and as it turns out, I didn’t want to burn pictures of Matt Fraction at midnight. If I had one complaint, it would be the “Hey, things in the past are just like they are in the present!” parallelism. One would think that someone would have known about an earlier Shaw who ran the Hellfire Club 100 years ago, but such is the spurious logic of comic book and time travel. In Fraction’s defense, even Joss Whedon screwed it up in Runaways. B+

Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men Utopia: About two months ago, Ben and I went to go see X-Men Origins: Wolverine, not because we had to but because we needed a mental vacation after a particularly stressful week. We were holding hands, waiting for hte movie to begin when six guys filed into the row behind us, sat on my far left and started speaking in Spanish about “the fucking fags over there.” Myself being half-deaf didn’t hear a word of it, but Ben did, and he was extremely uncomfortable. He wanted to move. I didn’t. And, long story short, I got my way. When the movie started these guys shut up, watched the film and left moments after the credits started rolling. Reading Utopia was kind of like that experience. For no really good reason, bigots feel it’s their right (or, Heaven help us, their god-given duty) to expunge “the Other”, demonize them, make them unwelcome. There are also assdancers like Norman Osborne who feel that they deserve to rule and have no compunction against throwing up (natural) “law and order” to get their way. I find this lack of Justice unsettling, which in turn makes me angry. Then I think about those guys at the movie theatre and wonder if they realized they were cheering for “the Other” to win, and if they know that they are seen as “the Other” just as Ben and I. Probably not. More’s the pity. And to Matt Fraction: the descriptive caption boxes are past their prime. A

Barack the Barbarian #1: Terribly unsubtle, but was a fun read. Lord knows that satire doesn’t have to be an épée, but more often than not, it’s a blunt and forceful cudgel. I have my own parody of Marriage Equality coming out soon, and it’s also terribly unsubtle (i.e., doesn’t follow the rule that the best parody is transparent), but in my own mind it could have been better. Next time. B-

Madame Xanadu #11: Last month I said I wasn’t going to get this issue unless Michael William Kaluta’s art somehow drew me in. It did. That being said, it was a grudging attraction. Kaluta’s art is solid, but when one compares it to his work on Metropolis or even his cover to Doorway to Nightmare #1, it’s not as complex as it used to be. Crafted lines are replaced with defter lines, but something is lost, much like P. Craig Russell’s art of late, which doesn’t stand up to his Elric of Melnibone graphic novel nor his early Doctor Strange. It’s still better than most art one can find these days in comic books, but it’s not as KALUTA as I expected it to be. Matt Wagner finally stops Nimue’s century hopping (still too truncated for my liking), and immerses her in the Age of Heroes (was that you I saw running down that hall Mr. Sandman?). In this first part of “Exodus Noir”, the queer murder of a well-to-do Gothamite brings Madame X onto the case as the clues point to a supernatural murderer. Matt Wagner has me along for this arc, for sure. A

Wonder Woman #32: The war against Genocide continues and if one thought it couldn’t get worse, well, it can and it does. The brilliance of Gail Simone’s work here is in Genocide bringing the pain Diana herself has caused her friends and lovers to the surface. More than that, Simone makes it clear that this is pain that could have been avoided had Diana abandoned her principles of Peace and Understanding (though lying to Tom these several months hardly seems like an expression of either) and gone to War with Casualties against Ares or the Cheetah or Dr. Psycho before there was so much collateral damage. Here is the heart and soul of being a hero: does sparing her enemies, granting them mercy that they do not show Diana nor her friends in subsequent encounters make Diana in part responsible for this pain or do the villains take full responsibility because they rejected mercy and refused to learn “a better way”? More than that, how far is Diana empowered to go to make the world a peaceful and loving place? All the way to War Against the World? Ah, well, that’s why we have the Olympian, the Anti-Diana, in the wings. As ever, BRILLIANT STUFF! A+

Buck Rogers #0: It’s a shame to see heroes grow old and serious and have their magnificently hairy chests and feathered do’s covered with glow-y, space-y vinyl. Granted, I grew up with the hyper-campy and overly sexualized, post-disco version, so my take on Buck Rogers is probably one tainted by… well, hairy chests, feathered do’s and bad dancing, but I’ve always felt that there was some connection to the source material, even if the stories (and fashions) were modernized (and inundated by sequins). That said, my disappointment with Dynamite’s (previewed) iteration is that Buck is pulled away from family and friends to points and times unknown to a “thrilling beginning” in issue #1. WHY?? What I liked about the stories were the interactions of the characters and the strangeness of life on 25th century Earth for Buck (and those of us who followed his adventures). And while Buck’s disorientation wore off after a while (as well it should; did you see what happened to Wonder Woman when Jodi Picoult pulled that “Stranger in a Strange Land” shit?), there was always a new surprise that he and his friends had to find their way around. Without his friends, who is Buck Rogers, and will I care to find out? C

Wonder Woman #31: This past weekend, my boyfriend and I were talking about how vigilante justice seems to be the way to go at times, and why hasn’t the Earth produced its first superheroes yet. We also picked out what kind of superpowers we’d like to have if we happened to be so lucky – he wanted telekinesis because it can be used for all kinds of practical purposes (throwing, slamming, holding, choking, flying, et al.) and I wanted telepathy because it’s the mental form of telekinesis. He looked at me and with a seriousness that was appropriate for the conversation, he said, “If you were telepathic, we wouldn’t be together.” When I asked why he said that he would always wonder about how I knew what I knew or if he were really feeling what he was feeling. Before I got too hurt, I thought about it: how could any person be trusted with an “X-power”? Is anyone that morally upstanding that they could forgo cutting corners or making life a little but easier for themselves? Could all X-Powerful beings follow a unified moral code? Diana may be flawed, and she may have made mistakes (without referencing Max Lord again, certainly cutting off the Cheetah’s tail last issue was a bit beyond the pale for her), but she’s still morally superior to most people. And gods. And Olympians. A+

Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds #4: Thinning the herd. Again. However, I don’t view the killing spree as being the wanton holocaust that was GMo’s Final Crisis (or indeed any DC comic title from the last year or so) because these characters’ death caused me actual outrage against Superboy-Prime and not Dan Didio or whatever lame storywriter was wielding the axe that week. Bloodshed aside, the return of “our boy” made me go misty. I’m jumping uo and down in my chair for the next issue; who’s agenda is going to win out – Superman’s rehabilitation of Superboy-Prime or the freshly minted Superboy kicking Superboy-Prime’s ass to Oa and back? A+

Madame Xanadu #10: It looks like next month Madame Xanadu will inflict her issues with men on the world at large instead of keeping it to a select circle of friends, lovers and co-dependent fantasies. One would think she’s be just as jaded towards women since it was her sister who caused her life to spiral out of control in the first place, but judging by the title “My Father’s Keeper” it looks like Nimue is going to be the mystic Gloria Steinem of the DCU. Next month will see Michael Wm. Kaluta taking over art duties, for which I am very excited. B

Uncanny X-Men #509: Didja see the size of Psylocke’s udders on the cover? I mean, one would have to have Power Girl wallpaper and life-sized cardboard stand-ups to not notice, so perhaps a better phrasing would be “When did Psylocke become enormbooblous?” Jesus, Land. I swear, someone needs to send me the reference pic for what happened to Emma Frost because I’m starting to think this was drawn from his own imaginings which puts him firmly in second place behind Mark Millar for the “Creepiest Asshole in Comics” title. Tracings can be forgiven (to an extent, and this is pushing it), but out-and-out S&M fantasies are getting into… whatever comic company publishes porn beyond Class Comics territory. Double Jesus, Land. Rumors around the Internet say that Madeline wants Logan to find Jean Grey’s body to inhabit, but I think she wants Logan’s body. Who better to live forever inside since he just keeps rejuvenating? B-

Justice Society of America #25: If I have any criticism of this issue, it would be the logic of who’s to blame for Mary Marvel and Isis’s corruption. Everyone seems to blame Black Adam for his transferring power first to Mary Marvel and then to Isis to resurrect her; Mary then bestowing Billy with some of her power. I’m just uncertain as to why Mary is in her Final Crisis costume. I always thought that the lightning was a catalyst for the transformation, and not itself good or evil, nor even corruptible. Though seeing Shazam lose his poop is probably an indication of how wrong I am. I do, however, like how everyone has been reset back to their true personae, even if the Marvel Family is no longer the Marvel Family. I hope they get their own title soon under the hands of a capable writer. A

Madame Xanadu #9: OMG was that a boobie??????? I guess after a thousand years or so even magic users get itchy Down There for some wand-in-hat action. Two more Golden Age heroes run tangentially to Madame X’s complicated history with the Phantom Stranger – The Spectre and Zatara. I think MX and PS need to just have a good, old-fashioned grudge-f*** and get it over with. Or at least get on with it; the wheel-spinning conflict is starting to wear a bit. He is, after all, already tied up. Amy Reeder Hadley’s art continues to impress. My big fear is that she’ll be replace by someone less apt and that the charm of these stories will be lessened somewhat. When it comes to the “Which is more important in comics – the story or the art?” debate, I fall on the “You can’t separate them out like that, idiot!” side. A-

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #24: While a good story, it’s another month spent doing character exposition and not really making any headway in the overall story. I was hoping by this time we’d learn why Buffy and Giles are on the outs, to say nothing of what Giles and Faith have been up to in the search for “Twilight” (Buffy’s “Twilight”, not the vampire “Twilight” of the vampire “Twilight” books and movie. Totally different vampires from Buffy’s vampires and “Twilight”. See?). And apparently hair buns are the new “evil” trope for women, paralleling bald, bearded men. C

Normally, I try to get “That’s My Bag!” weekly, but I’ve let it (and my grading; sorry, students!) slide for more… personal matters. I’m catching up in a few weeks of comics here, so everything will be brief. I hope to make this feature regular again, especially since this week is SPRING BREAK!!!

Supergirl #38: She’s on Earth; she’s on New Krypton. She’s an outlaw; she’s a bad daughter. I see another “Who is Supergirl?” story arc coming up soon. B

Superman #685: I’ve always loved Mon-El (though not as much as Kal-El does, apparently), so I’m glad to see him taking on a new Kent identity. I didn’t like to see him leave Ma Kent in the hands of another care-taker. A

Action Comics #875:Well, it’s not Conner (dammit) but the new Nightwing’s identity is still a great surprise, as if Flamebird’s. I’m going to like seeing these two in this title over the next year or so. A

World of Krypton #1:

Justice Society of America #23: Oh naughty Isis!! A

Justice Society of America #24: Shizzman! Mary Marvel goes Dark. Again. So, is JSA caught up with the Final Crisis timeline while the rest of the DCU isn’t? A-

Wonder Woman #29: Sadly, Zeus plays too large a role in this story for being as large an assdancer as he is. However, without these scenes we wouldn’t know how dangerous the Olympian is going to be. A

Madame Xanadu #8: Green Lantern. The Demon. Who else will be shaped by Madame X and the Phantom Stranger’s machinations? The story is still fun, but I’d like to see more “the future has taken root in the present” moments. B+

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight #23: Who is driving this story??? Because we’re off-roading here. D

Uncanny X-Men #506: The issue is totally transitional and not necessary to buy. C

X-Men Noir #2: Noir is dead. No matter how many times someone tries to resurrect it by pulling together the most superficial elements of the idiom, it remains corpse-like, as well it should. What made noir noir was the freshness of the cinema combined with a dramatic flair for hyper-realistic sensationalism. Making a comic book black and white, and peppering sentences with “dame” doesn’t capture the essence of the movement. X-Men Noir is… well, it’s just dreadful, which I saw in the first issue and yet came back to read the second, thinking I was missing something. Nope, I got it right the first time. The art is muddy. The dialogue is clunky. And the story is so dull that it put my cats to sleep. But worse than all that is the X-Men don’t fit into this story at all. I could see Captain America maybe being better suited for this “other wheres, other whens” iteration (I’m kidding; no one write that up!) but here the story always comes back to “these are the X-Men and they will go mutie on your ass”. There’s no urgency when they see their ends coming, because I know they’re going to fight back and prevail. I don’t feel the grittiness, the hard-heartedness nor the angst that should come with a good noir story. I wish I could say, “Nice try” but my real message to the creators would be “Pencils down, now!” F

X-Men #505: Matt Fraction seems to be having a hard time getting a hold of the X-characters and what they do. He has the mayor of San Francisco down pat (like her!) but his other plotlines – Angel and Beast tracking down geniuses to recreate the mutant race; Colossus tracking down something to hit; X-23 doing something to someone that involves their blood – are more about the prey than the X-Men themselves. This isn’t necessarily a bad storytelling technique, but when the whole issue is out of focus this way it’s just… well, boring. He also seems to be dropping transitional moments down a Claremont Hole. For example, the Beast is in a meeting with Cyclops, Emma and the mayor as the issue opens, then is off cornering a genius several pages later with Dr. Nemesis and Angel in tow. It reads like there are two Beasts on two separate missions- one in the mayor’s office who is doing fuck-all and is completely superfluous to the scene, then one who’s in charge of genius-tracking. Hopefully, Faction will work these problem spots out soon. C

Madame Xanadu #7: Good art. Good story, but beyond that, I can’t think of anything to say to recommend (or condemn) this story arc. It’s competently done and full of plot, but that’s about it. C+

Superman #683: I so desperately want someone to take Alura over their knee and spank the bejeezus out of her, I’m thinking of baking a red velvet bundt cake with a strawberry glaze and calling it “Alura Over Someone’s Knee Cake”. After that, I’m going to bake two cupcakes and call them “Kal-El Needs to STFU and Step up to the Plate” (white with a jelly center) and “Kara is Still Krazy” (pork-flavored). At least the JLA knows which side they’re on and are willing to make a stand for justice. I get that Kal and Kara are conflicted, but they’ve got to see that Alura was beyond negotiating three or four issues ago before she went all Idi Amin. This isn’t an attack on their characters, but a question as to why this hasn’t come to a head sooner. Nevertheless, this is the chapter I’ve been waiting for – action galore! A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #21: “Bored now.” D

Kick-Ass #5: After taking its good sweet time coming out, the latest issue of Kick-Ass was well worth the wait. Millar’s wheels are finally out of the mud and rolling down the highway at least 15 MPH over the speed limit. Normally I complain about Millar’s inability to maintain the flow of his stories – they’re too slow, too loud, too full of Millar, what have you – but this time around he manages to balance the action with his characters’ development. Kick-Ass and Red Mist driving around Dodge “on patrol” is a spot-on budding bromance scene out of a summer blockbuster (no doubt the reason it was written this way) cemented by their then answering a desperate call for help. A guilty pleasure even now, Kick-Ass makes my dog bark. A

WARNING! Spoilers ahead!

Superman #681: Part two of “New Krypton” sees Lex Luthor’s worst nightmare come true – Earth inhabited by out-of-control aliens. Not that the Kryptonians are wreaking havok everywhere they go (the dead blue whale aside), but with an overly defensive and smarmy-looking Thara Ak-Var and an alien-killing super-being thrown into the mix, it’s only a matter of time before cities start to fall. I hope. Obviously, the 100,000 Kryptonians are going to stay around Earth because they would nullify the need for any other superhero title again ever. However, the method and motive of their departure are still to be told. The best scene of the entire issue is between Martha Kent and the one member of the Superman Family who knows where he’s needed the most. Good boy! A

Madame Xanadu #5: If I had one criticism of this book, it would be that the centuries are slipping by way too fast. Matt Wagner doesn’t have to hit all the major events from 1000 A.D. to the present, but maybe a brief layover in the Renaissance would have been nice. A visit with Nostradamus perhaps. The “discovery” of America and subsequent slaughter of the American Indians would have topped my list of events for Miss X to run to. This is not to say that the French Revolution isn’t high on drama and intrigue; it is. I’m just saying there could have been a few more stops between there and here. B

1985 #6: I read this in the store because I had to see how it ended, and… really? “Everybody go home!”? That was the only logical conclusion to this story Mark Millar could come up with? It was so sad I wanted to pat it on the head and help it find it’s mommy because it was obviously lost. Alas, poor highly-anticipated mini-series, we hardly knew ye. F

Thor #11: When Captain America died last year, I found myself not caring too much. Not because I didn’t like Cap, but because his death was the latest in a series of ploys to shock and awe Marvel readers. And in the final analysis, it didn’t seem that anyone in the Marvel U cared. At all. Until this month. Don and Thor’s goodbyes to Captain America seem to be JMS’s none-to-veiled commentary on the state of American politics – where the speculation of what a hero would do overshadows the good s/he accomplished. When “who would Captain America vote for?” (terribly paralleling the “Jesus wants you to vote for McCain” screeds of late) is the best memorial people can create, it’s heartening to see that at least Thor remembers how to honor a friend and hero. A+

Manhunter #35: FINALLY we have a smackdown worth the name, but what else can one expect from an issue with a bloodied Kate beckoning her enemies forward with a “Bring it.” on the cover? Again, it’s my thing for armed women who aren’t afraid to fire the first shot that draws me back to Manhunter every month. And I never blame Kate or make her out to be a psychopathic monster like.. well, like people say Batman is (though I still don’t see it). A+

Superman/Batman #52: And in this issue we find everything that’s wrong with the DC Universe writ small. All the fun and whimsy and exuberance in the storytelling was sucked out the window when things had to get “real” (read: “somebody had to die”). And what was the point? To teach Li’l Batman that true darkness doesn’t come from seeing one’s parents get pushed? To finally kill Superman in a permanent way that wouldn’t ruin DC’s economic base? To show that the writers are pinheads who toe the DC line? To finally kill comic books? Jesus. F-

Madame Xanadu #4: Once again, Nimue gets cooter-punched by a man she respects/admires/has the humpies for. Twice in this issue alone! I can see that Matt is taking his time in making this adorable (if not incredibly ancient) waif the cold spinstress we all know and love in the present. It’s a pleasure to watch a craftsman who really enjoys his work. A+

The Boys #23: Garth Ennis hates everyone. He hates superheroes. He hates the government. He hates capitalists. He hates his characters. He really hates Marvel. He hates cute. You know what he loves? Garth Ennis. B+

Jesus Hates Zombies with Lincoln Hates Werewolves #1: Iconoclasm rocks. And I think that Jesus would have less problems with this comic than shit like this which justifies shit like this because they’re straight and “forgiven” in His name. Forever and ever. Amen. Allegedly. Dare I say Jesus Hates Zombies is delightful? A laugh a page (maybe more)? Destined for greatness? I dare. Because it is all that (as was written by the prophets of old in “The First Book of Opinions”). ‘Lo! A+

And who knew under all those woolen undergarments that Lincoln was so HAWT (as Michael Bracco portrays him):

Runaways #1: When I last read this title, the kids were stuck in the 1800’s with someone’s out-of-time-and-still-alive parents-of-the-past out to get them and a sparkly, floaty Jezebel out to ruin the cute lesbianish couple and I didn’t care. REALLY didn’t care. I’m not certain that Joss Whedon finished that arc or that Marvel even wanted to, which is a sadness because I liked those kids (and their baby raptor, too). This week, however, sadness becomes gladness as the reliable-as-Tonto Terry Moore’s first issue on ultra-hip writing duties hits the stands. The kids are back on Earth, but aliens who have lost heir homeworld (we know this because it’s said about 12 times on the first two pages) are looking for a little remuneration all over Karolina’s butt. Moore keeps the dialogue and pace snappy and Humberto Ramos keeps the kids in chunky boots and enviable waists. I’m sold. A-

Madame Xanadu #3: At the risk of Rachel Ray Face-ing this title, I have to say I look forward to it every month more than any other title out there. Yeah, it’s only a few issues in, but Matt Wagner’s grasp on the fantastic and magickal has always been second only to Neil Gaiman… ok, and Rachel Pollack, which makes him third in line if I’m going to keep track of the numbers. But unlike Neil and Rachel who keep their magic more mythological and messianic than immoderate, Matt’s magic makes marks in the mundane. Amy Reeder Hadley’s art lends more credence to the every day magical with her clean lines and wide-eyed and elfin Nimue. Set in China 400 years after issue 2, Nimue is the court seer for Kublai Khan, foretelling the beginning of a beautiful friendship between Khan and the young Marco Polo. Then stuff goes wrong. And right. And wrong again. My great hope for this book is that one day there will be a smackdown between Nimue and Morgan le Fey in a future issue. That, and the return of Ericankhamun. A+

Kick-Ass #4: And my students say I’m a tough grader, when here I am about to hand out another A+. I have this vision of Mark Millar and JRJR on Skype for hours at a time, howling with laughter as they come up with more and more vile things for children to say and ways to cut a human body so it can bleed most profusely. Then I hear someone (probably Millar) say, “We’re going to fucking end civilization, man! Those pussies at South Park never dreamed of going this far! It’ll be kids versus parents! Murder in the marketplace! The. End. Of. EVERYTHING! God! And they PAY us to do it to them, man! They fucking pay us to be the fucking Devil!” Take my vision as you will, but I’m pretty sure that’s how this issue came about. In spite of this, I still enjoy this book. It’s not a gleeful joy, but a Very Bad Things schadenfreude. A+

Final Crisis: Superman Beyond: Read. Left. F

First, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Right. Better now. On to the comics!

Madame Xanadu #2: Matt, you’ve restored my faith in your story-telling abilities. Don’t screw it up. A+

War Heroes #1: Have you ever ridden cross-country on a bus, surrounded by soldiers on holiday leave? I have, and, Deity love the troops, but I think half of them are insane or at least in desperate need of some reality therapy. Maybe some estrogen just to take the edge off. Seriously. I heard one guy give the most earnest account of how he had been stationed at Area 51, how it was all hush-hush and “every fucking thing you ever thought about that place is real, man!” at the top of his lungs. I’m not saying he was representative of the troops in general, just of the ones who take buses cross-country (how I wish he had been the only soldier of that kind I’ve met). Mark Millar seems to share my opinion. His war heroes are not noble nor are they caught in a situation of their control; they are in the war for the glory and the power. I fear Millar may be saying something about our broader culture – lionizing the troops and the war while we give up privacy and the safety of our children. The story is hardly nuanced, but it is intriguing. And condemning. A (it would have been an “A+” but Millar really needs to stop writing closing letters in his comics. He looks like a self-obsessed maniac.)

X-Men #500: Besides this being an historic moment for Marvel Comics, there had to be several reasons to publish this story. I’m guessing the primary reason was to completely undermine the premises Warren Ellis built in Astonishing X-Men #25, to say nothing of Simone’s designs. New place to live (and it’s GREEN. there’s lots of to do about how GREEN the new X-mansion is, to the point where Hank calls Logan “that awful little Canadian” for his non-GREEN, smog-loving ways). New costumes. New plot that has nothing to do with Ellis’ plot though the cast is exactly the same. And this “new plot” is depressingly old: Sentinels and Magneto? “Mutie” haters? Oh, dear. I know I’ve said 100 times before that I long for a return to the old days of comics, but I meant good writing, interesting stories, characters I can relate to, not actual old stories. Speaking of the Claremont Hole, Nightcrawler appeared out of nowhere! I know that’s his power, but he wasn’t shown as being a member of the team, in the SF area or even near the X-mansion, yet – BAMF! – he gets one word and one panel of face time, then falls back into the event singularity. Also, no less than three times did someone comment on the spectacular views of SF then completely fail to show us said views. It’s an anniversary issue: go crazy with the page count! And Greg Land, step away from the lightboard and take a drawing class. This kind of over-the-top reaction to the mayor of San Francisco’s stance on the First Amendment





is best left to posturing for an enemy who’s actually trying to kill the X-Men. F-

And a special “Thanks, rotten orange!” to Joveth for mentioning me and Frater Mine at the Prism Emerging Voices panel at Comic-Con. Shout outs are always welcome and very cool. Let me know when you do one and I’ll send you a McDonald’s gift certificate.

I’ve been away from “That’s My Bag” for a few weeks for two reasons: I was trying to get my review of Justin Hall and Dave Davenport’s Hard to Swallow #3 for Prism Comics (which turned out to be much better as an interview (can I say how much these guys crack me up?)), and for two weeks when I went to ABC there wasn’t anything I couldn’t live without or I would buy one book and not want to talk about it on its own. Finally this week I have five books to review.

Grendel: Behold the Devil #8: Whu..? But she said… And then he… Why did…? Fail. F

1985 #2: The first of my ambivalent reviews. I like it, but the build-up is a bit slow, like the story is being parsed out so it can support six issues instead of four. Of course, it could be that the plot is so awesome that it requires this much groundwork to be laid before said awesomeness can be revealed. Here’s hoping. B

Final Crisis #2: I didn’t hate this issue, but at the same time I didn’t see any reason to love it. I still don’t know how Final Crisis can be going on at the same time as Trinity, but there’s no reference to one in the other. Also, didn’t Turpin meet Darkseid’s new body last issue? So, why is he now being referenced as “the father of Kalibak”? Have the gods of Apokalypse gone viral? I’m intrigued if only because the information presented so far is too sparse to see the Big Picture, but far-ranging enough to know there is a Big (if not Supremely Large) Picture to be seen. But, really, what does a barroom brawl between metas in Tokyo have to do with anything and will it be worth the 8 out of 30 pages spent on it (I’m actually hoping Sonny Sumo will turn out to be Barda and with Mister Miracle being a mysterious black man, well… go, gay gods, go!). B

Madame Xanadu #1: I’ve been hurt by you before, Matt Wagner, and you know what it is you’ve done to me. Yes, I’ve seen you become unnecessarily intent on your choice of cold cuts at the supermarket when you see me pass through produce. It’s your guilt, Matt. You can’t bring yourself to look at me and with good reason. You should feel bad about what you’ve done, and if you lead me astray again with Madame Xanadu, I’ll give up all pretense of us trying to “just be friends.” (a cautious) A

Wonder Woman #21: I know Gail has a plan for this story arc, but I wish she’d clue the rest of us in. Also, I’ve seen Diana’s red talon before; I just can’t remember where. B