Uncanny X-Men #522 - No one could have been more supportive of the return of Miss Pryde than me, but the overall story to get her back home ASAP seems rushed. I don’t doubt that in the Marvel U, Magneto can reach across the vastness of space, turn a moon-sized bullet around and draw it to Earth at near the speed of light. But I’m calling shenanigans on the “he disintegrated the bullet as it entered the atmosphere thereby not destroying the world.” That’s just too much to take in in a single issue. And why the hurry to get her back, anyway? The story could have been drawn out for a few months and had a way better plot, but it seems she had to be back now. What is Marvel planning for Shadowcat?

Of course, there is a twist to Kitty’s return: she’s stuck in her phasing state. I suppose that the X-Men could ask Reed Richards to unstuck her like he did in The X-Men vs. The Fanstastic Four back in.. what, 1987? C

Nemesis #1 - I am going to hold off on doing a review of Nemesis, except to say that I got it, and it does indeed, make Kick-Ass pale in comparison. Good or bad? You decide.

No reviews this week, but I found something truly wonderful at Austin Books and Comics: Dynamite #4 with the dreamy Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson on the cover! Squeeeeeal! On a less gay note, Dynamite was one of those magazine’s for kids that we got through Scholastic Book Services in school. It was a step above Highlights for Children in terms of content and reading level, but less erudite than CBS’s “In the News”. The cool thing about this find is that it still has the subscription form and club patch inside. And, yeah, the Hardy Boys.

Green Lantern #51

There’s a reason that Geoff Johns was just promoted to the post of DC’ Chief Creative Officer, and it’s in this issue. I don’t normally read any of the GL titles, but Johns’ “Blackest night” has me buying all his supplementary stories. The guy is carrying on a serious love affair with all things DC, and his affection is contagious. Under his direction, I can see the DCU becoming a much more interesting place.
Grade: A

Uncanny X-Men #521

If it weren’t for the last page of this issue, I would consider dropping the title altogether. The X-Men just created a nation for themselves, and instead of getting into the meat and potatoes of setting up a government, mutant political factions, “savior complexes”, and host of other issues that are pretty relevant to current topics, Matt Faction serves up a very tepid Legacy Flu. It’s sort of like having Hamburger Helper every Friday night: it’s safe and traditional, but no one is every going to moan in delight with each meaty, saucy spoonful.
Grade: C-

Siege #2

I haven’t been an “event” person in years (even though I have every issue of the much-maligned “Final Crisis”) mostly because I find them to be more con than content. While hyped to be huge and meaningful, events aren’t usually that impacting, and, worse, they’re horribly written and poorly plotted.

Having said that, I loved Siege #2!

While the content is on the light side (the majority of the issue focuses on Ares and his ill-fated battle with Sentry), the more mundane scenes – particularly between Nick Fury and Alex, the Avengers in the S.H.I.E.L.D. transport, and the last page of the issue – are well-written and give more weight to the story than “superpower-on-superpower action” and “the Saint Crispin’s Day speech”. But, I’m a moments guy.

Coipel, Morales and Martin are a cyclonic artistic force. While Bendis’ words may have been handled well enough by another team, this one breathes life into each panel with its dynamic compositions and expressive faces. Even the capes are expressive and full of movement. The best example of this is page three – Ares’ realization that he’s been manipulated into attacking Asgard juxtaposed with the battle below is brilliant. Without words, without mummery, the reader knows exactly what is going on under the god’s helmet. Great stuff! However, the rending of Ares on a later page, while arranged beautifully, is odd in that his intestines seem to have been previously resting on his back, protecting his spine. Gory, yes, but inaccurate overkill at best.

My one complaint is the half-truth of the “death of an Avenger” solicit. It was sophomoric hype at best. You can do better, Marvel.
Grade: A-

Kick Ass #8

The final issue of Kick Ass is just about what everyone expected it to be: loud, hyper-violent, and calculated to offend as many people as possible with… well, pick your issue. It’s bound to be there. and I say “calculated” in the most cynical way possible. Even going back to the solicit, which asks “Who will be morally outraged?” (when there’s not a single character in the book that knows what morality looks like let alone if outrage is an option), it’s obvious this finale was designed to provoke a reaction from the audience. Mark Millar went where “Heroes” couldn’t/wouldn’t/was unable to go with the “superheroes in real life” theme, and how messed up it really would be. Overall, however, Kick Ass is like watching porn: lots of button-mashing and screaming and penetrations climaxing with everyone screaming as the money shot splooshes out, covering everything. It is a comic fanboy’s wet-dream brought to the page. I have to applaud Millar for doing what no one has really done before: delving into angsty-teen-comic-fan-fic comic stories and making at living at it (then again there is the inexplicable popularity of “Twilight” and “Wicked Lovely”). If “nuance” is what you’re looking for, well, that’s why there are movies like “When in Rome” (I jest, of course. “When in Rome” is as subtle as a skinhead at a Seder.). I just help but wonder that I read this series the whole way through. Maybe because it betokens the future of comics writing.
Grade: C

Madame Xanadu #19

Madame Xanadu is one book I look forward to every month. Oddly, this month’s issue was supposed to be the conclusion of a story, but instead there was an overwrought “aside” about Nimue and Morgana’s childhood together (an extremely long childhood, at that). I know that Matt Wagner is often overwrought, but usually that can be forgiven because of the art that accompanies the story. This is one of those titles where the art means so much to the words. Amy Reed Hadley, who normally illustrates, is off this month, replaced by Joelle Jones, and the story is just kind of “OK”. Amy brings some real magic to Matt Wagner’s words, and without her, this chapter seems both unnecessary and ugly.
Grade: C+

Green Lantern Corps #44

Normally, i hate deus ex machina because it’s a cheap escape from a dramatic problem: the universe steps in and says, “No more. It’s done.” which leaves characters (and viewers) unsatisfied because it shows that we’re at the mercy of powers greater than ourselves, and free will is a slogan like “life should be fair.” That being said, I LOVED GLC’s method of disposing of the Black Lanterns: Mogo. It seems fair in some way, especially because Xanshi in its entirety came back, to say nothing of the rest of the universe’s re-animated dead. God doesn’t come down and declare that “Enough is enough. Go home.” No, no. God comes down with some righteous smiting, and it looks great ion a page. Is there a counterpoint to deux ex machina? If so, that’s what Peter Tomasi has created in this issue.
Grade: A

Uncanny X-Men #520

When sitting down to write this review, I had to pick the issue back up again because I had no recollection of what had happened. Then I saw the cover and remembered that Wolverine and Psylocke were out and about looking for someone for some reason. Then it occurred to me that I had liked Magneto because he was being misunderstood (Scott, of course, was a controlling bitch to him) and noble (poor guy couldn’t catch a break even when being helpful). In general, the issue was half-forgettable and half-sorta interesting.
Grade: C-

The Power of SHAZAM! #48

I’m sure the undead have their own particular stench, but in this case, it smells like… poo? Jeez, someone light a match for this Blackest Night stinker! First of all, this one-shot is even more proof that no one knows how to write the Marvel Family well. Except for their abbreviated stint in JSA last year, there’s really nothing marvelous about them of late. Second of all, I’m uncertain if this a “triumph of the human spirit” story or a “here’s another clue as to how Nekron will be defeated” story. If it’s the former, why is Osiris of all people able to resist the Black Rings? “Black Adam’s magic” is a throwaway explanation since lots of magical beings have not resisted un-life in the main BN title. If it’s the latter, well, it’s a clue no one in the DCU is going to have access to.

The Marvel Families have so many stories that still need to be told, and with just one issue to do one story, they (and we) were we given this. Osiris himself says that “we were all just family,” and that would have made an excellent theme for an excellent story, but, unfortunately, we got jack shit.

The folks over at CPB are taking a week off to get ourselves ready to advance from beta to… is it “alpha”? “The Omega Opening” (and doesn’t that sound tawdry?)? I have no idea. What happens after “beta”? Whatever it’s called, we’re heading there and I get to come back here to Orthocomics, do my reviews, and figure out what’s to become of the blog while CPB takes off.

Batman and Robin #3: Like a steak and potato dinner, this was satisfying. Very satisfying. Like, eating said steak and potato dinner, sleeping for a few days to wake up and discover you’ve lost 7 pounds not from a wasting disease satisfying. Leave it to GMo to come up with an airborne addiction and sound effects like “HAUUU NAUUUUU!” Frightening. A-

Batman: Widening Gyre #1: If I’m going to point Fingers of Blame ™ at anyone for this… let’s call it “a second chance gone awry”, it’ll be Mike Marts and Dan Didio for failing to do their jobs as editors. I know that Kevin Smith is pretty famous for his spaghetti-and-aspic-on-the-wall-let’s-see-what-sticks-and-gels approach to writing; I also know that mileage varies from work to work (compare Dogma to Chasing Amy). Yet for some reason, Marts and Didio seem to have not known this, or at least didn’t let it bother them in the editing process. I’ll admit that I bought this issue for the cover art (levels and levels above the interior art) and the title (“Widening Gyre”, how cool of a title is that?), so anything beyond this should be gravy, right? Sure, but lumpy, orange-flavored beef gravy? Maybe not so much. The mish-mash of multiple guest stars, incongruent backstories, and out-of-character speeches (Batman: “Sonnuva.. the kid pulled a ME.”; Etrigan: “No way…”) and nonchalant conflict resolution read more as “we need to fill pages” than “we’re telling a complex story”. D

Detective Comics #856: I still can’t put into exact words why I like this series as much as I do. The story has the hallucinogenic effect of Alice in Wonderland, a dream populated by bleary-eyed sleepers and hunters. I do know that I have to pick up the Crime Bible: Five Lessons in Blood to get a better handle on what this Religion of Crime is all about. B+

Madame Xanadu #14: There’s wisdom that says “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!” but I’ve been expecting it to turn its attention to Madame X and her lady-love Marisol for some time now. I applaud these women for being bold enough to stay in Spain while, ya know, people are being killed to the left and right around them for offenses far less serious than acting out scenes from “Hot Babes in Loose Skirts.” However, not arming themselves or being more cautious or living somewhere deeper in the woods was just utter foolishness on their parts. Seriously, when the Christianists have their way with America and I become illegal for just being, I’m going to be fortified enough to take at least a dozen with me when they show up at my door. Yeah, “and your little god too!” Having said that, I like this issue, except for Kaluta’s strange rendition of the female form on the cover. I make fun of Greg Land for his impossible breasts and ineptitude in connecting head bones to neck bones and on down the line, but Kaluta has surpassed the master with his frightening Holocaust Special Madame X. B

Wonder Woman #36: I think Diana takes on too much responsibility that isn’t hers. Yeah, yeah, she’s got the whole wide world on her shoulders and has had for some time now, but taking Pele’s accusations of being complicit in Zeus’ murder of Zane, and “set[ting her] father alone against the wrath of [her] entire pantheon” is supporting an unduly free interpretation of the events. I’m sure she’s feels guilty about Zane’s death and all, but making a pledge to Pele when she’s just crawled out from under her Amazonian vows seems like she’s not thinking clearly at all. And awwh poor Tom! How is Diana going to explain her “I never loved you” away? I’m sensing a new direction for Diana, but it seems like Gail Simone is also only sensing it. B

New Mutants #4: Ah well, that was a disappointing read. Yeah, my girl Illyana got some scary one-liners off, but all in all, I think I’ve read this story before; ya know, “Legion screws everything up before the Muties pull it together.” I’m not digging the trophic characterizations (especially, God help us, with the dialogue) when by this time the Muties should be more individuated.

Dark Avengers #8: Angt! More angst! Less fighting for the sake of fighting and more angst! Jeez, what happened to the promise of the first issue? C

It was a very sparse week for comics; I got the first issue of the new Doom Patrol series (ugh), and didn’t give Buffy the Vampire Slayer more than a glance as I thought, “I’ve been burned by you before!” Click in the report card below to see my (and others’) reviews this this week’s comics:

Fly on over to ComicsPlusBlog for this week’s comic reviews. I look at the finally final issue of Legion of Three Worlds (SPOILER: It was a satisfying ending to a great story).

For fear of cross-posting, all of my reviews will now be a part of Comics Plus Blog‘s weekly feature “The Pull Report”. Which I edit. I know: “one more thing to do every week?!” The site is still in beta, but swing by to see what I and a whole annoyance of reviewers think about this week’s comics. Click on the graphic to get there:

Uncanny X-Men #513: Oh, Scott. Did you not see this coming? I mean, did anyone not see this coming from the moment that Scott and Emma started banging psychic uglies? I’m just surprised that it took this long for Emma to take over the X-Men and reform them in her image. However, as stupid as this makes all the X-Men look (except Jean, but she’s dead), it’s GREAT drama. However, it will not be great drama if Matt Fraction does something silly like make Emma a double agent so she can be seamlessly reunited with the X-team. I want Emma back on the outs and being fabulously evil, the idiom in which she excels. Emma out; Cloak and Dagger in! A

Batman and Robin #2: So far, so good. GMo hasn’t gone looney tunes and taken Batman back to… well, R.I.P., though he’s very good at channeling his eccentricities into the undisciplined and dangerous Damien. In this issue we see what makes Dick not Batman – all those years of not wanting to be like him finally paid off, and Dick, while a great fighter, doesn’t command the respect and awe of those around him, especially Robin. Yes, this is the “kinder, gentler” Batman, and I hope Dick quickly figures out that is just not who he has to be. I think GMo is exactly the right writer to break Dick down and maybe build him back up. We know how he likes his heroes damaged. Bye, Dick. It was nice knowing ya. A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #26: Done. D-

Unthinkable #1 and 2: After reading this and Mark Sable’s ridiculous line about “I feel my privacy is a small price to pay for educating the government about the medium.” I had to pick up Unthinkable. I don’t think I got it for the content necessarily, but to see if indeed what he wrote was worth his pussy statement of relinquishing his privacy to a government that thinks five-year olds are terrorists and nipple rings can be removed at will. I’m glad that his comics mean more to him than his privacy, but, really, fuck him. I can’t even imagine what he thought he taught them about the comics medium: that a page layout doesn’t have to convey chronological action? That characters’ speech and facial expressions don’t have to line up? That people can walk willy-nilly onto military bases and bully commanding offivcers into handing over equipment and weapons? Frankly, Sable needs to be taught more about the medium before he can teach TSA anything. D

The Tick and Arthur: The Complete Works TPB: Still fresh after all this time. Non-derivative. Quirky. Uncanny comic timing. Gentle mocking. Ninjas. This is the gold standard of indy comics. SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!! A+

Detective Comics #854: Finally Batwoman! I have to admit I was a little nervous to get this comic at first because it’s written by Greg Rucka. 52 Greg Rucka (though to be fair, he wasn’t alone in that mess. Still, once bitten, twice shy.). Rucka’s story is lyrical, almost a song or part of an opera. If the art were in anyone else’s hands besides J. H. Harrison’s, the book would totally fall apart like a cheap red wig. For now, I’m hooked. A

Wonder Woman #33: I’m running dangerously close to giving Gail Simone Rachel Ray Face, so all I’m going to say is that this was another excellent read except the end was a bit to abrupt for me. One more issue to resolve the Genocide threat (or at least make its whereabouts more clear) and to really let Zeus and Ares’ plans unfold into a HUGE (well, HUGE-er) mess! Ah, well. B

Madame Xanadu #12: Matt and Michael’s Exodus Noir reminds me of the old Sandman Mystery Theatre – sort of dark, sort of sketchy, sort of fun, but always heading towards a horrible end for the titular character. Oooh, foreshadowing. A

Thor #602: Gods are strange creatures of inertia and folly, like really big rocks rolling down a hill. Or across the bottom of a river. I’ve yet to see any compelling evidence that they think anything through before they go off half-cocked and do it (yeah, I’m looking at you, too, Genesis!). Even the “good” ones let their goodness get in the way of accomplishing anything truly “good”. For example, moving all the Asgardians to Latveria – totally poorly planned. Keeping Loki around when no one trusts him/her – well, that just defies wisdom. Weird that the one mortal in the company of the gods is the only one who wants to actively squelch evil. A

Uncanny X-Men #512: My so far least favorite aspect of the team – The X-Club – heads back to the turn of the 20th century to find the parental DNA of the original Mutant X, and as it turns out, I didn’t want to burn pictures of Matt Fraction at midnight. If I had one complaint, it would be the “Hey, things in the past are just like they are in the present!” parallelism. One would think that someone would have known about an earlier Shaw who ran the Hellfire Club 100 years ago, but such is the spurious logic of comic book and time travel. In Fraction’s defense, even Joss Whedon screwed it up in Runaways. B+

Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men Utopia: About two months ago, Ben and I went to go see X-Men Origins: Wolverine, not because we had to but because we needed a mental vacation after a particularly stressful week. We were holding hands, waiting for hte movie to begin when six guys filed into the row behind us, sat on my far left and started speaking in Spanish about “the fucking fags over there.” Myself being half-deaf didn’t hear a word of it, but Ben did, and he was extremely uncomfortable. He wanted to move. I didn’t. And, long story short, I got my way. When the movie started these guys shut up, watched the film and left moments after the credits started rolling. Reading Utopia was kind of like that experience. For no really good reason, bigots feel it’s their right (or, Heaven help us, their god-given duty) to expunge “the Other”, demonize them, make them unwelcome. There are also assdancers like Norman Osborne who feel that they deserve to rule and have no compunction against throwing up (natural) “law and order” to get their way. I find this lack of Justice unsettling, which in turn makes me angry. Then I think about those guys at the movie theatre and wonder if they realized they were cheering for “the Other” to win, and if they know that they are seen as “the Other” just as Ben and I. Probably not. More’s the pity. And to Matt Fraction: the descriptive caption boxes are past their prime. A

Barack the Barbarian #1: Terribly unsubtle, but was a fun read. Lord knows that satire doesn’t have to be an épée, but more often than not, it’s a blunt and forceful cudgel. I have my own parody of Marriage Equality coming out soon, and it’s also terribly unsubtle (i.e., doesn’t follow the rule that the best parody is transparent), but in my own mind it could have been better. Next time. B-

Had the above poster been the official one for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I would have applauded it for its refreshing honesty, not only for the movie itself but for the state of high-action summer blockbusters dating back to Independence Day (yes, I know that wasn’t the original summer blockbuster, but it was about the time if ID4′s release that the “bigger, badder, louder” idiom took root). However, I would also say that the poster’s tag tag line – “More ALIEN ROBOTS, bigger EXPLOSIONS, and much much more MEGAN FOX” – unironically states exactly what’s wrong with the movie. But you don’t have to believe me. Here. This is the movie summary from where I found the poster (my suggestion is to NOT click on the link because it’s one of “those sites” that give off a bad vibe, like perezhilton.com or boysfrombrazil.com. I include the link only for citation purposes.), which I found to be just about as clear as the movie itself:

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This may be the most accurate portrayal of what it was like to watch ROTF I’ve come across. Yeah, yeah, Roger Ebert was pretty clever with his “choir of hell” analogy, but he didn’t really capture the sense of what it was like to be sitting in the theatre watching the mess that was ROTF unzip and shake its privates at us. Metaphorically speaking. Except when I’m speaking literally.

There’s nothing like standing next to a child to really throw a situation into sharp relief. Things that adults don’t think twice about – the little slights of daily life – suddenly become large and vulgar displays of callousness when a kid is in the picture. So, thinking “ROTF is only PG-13; there may be a few things we need to explain, but surely we (my brother and I) can take Dominic (my five-year old nephew) to see it.” Dominic loves Transformers, and this was my special treat to him before I left PA to go back to Texas. A “treat” for which I will feel forever guilty because of how MISLEADING the PG-13 rating is. I was genuinely humiliated to be there, thinking about how we were going to have to have a Talk with Dominic after the credits rolled. Frankly, if it weren’t for the fact that we suspected Dominic didn’t “get” some of the
things that happened and was there to see his favorite bots “live”, I would have walked out as early as Megan Fox’s first appearance: a completely unnecessary 20-second shot of her dry-humping a motorcycle.

Not that there is anything wrong with sex. Given a choice between sex and violence in movies, I’ll go with sex every time over violence. HOWEVER, the sex in ROTF was there to be sex in ROTF and served no other purpose than to be there on the screen, pandering to fanbois (as in “I’ve never known the touch of a woman and therefore have no idea what real skin should look like”) and those who like it gross (multiple shots of humping dogs, John Turturro’s fleshy ass, a bot humping Megan Fox). Lord knows I think that the ass-shot in Orgazmo was hilarious, so I’m not above this kind of thing, but Orgazmo was rated NC-17 and was not an action film with a toy line geared for kids.

Sex aside, what else made this movie an incomprehensible mess?

First, I cannot believe that the language in the movie (when one can understand it through the explosions and screaming) is pg-13. “pussy”, “asshole”, “shit”, and I SWEAR someone said “fuck” – these are now PG-13 standards? And while it’s not language per se, is there ever going to come a day when people stop using phrases like “Not on my watch!” and
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”?
Because, trite much?

Second, there are way too many bot on the screen, most of whom go unidentified. What’s the point of that?? I wanted to see the Autobots (yes, i’ll admit here that i was not dragged unwillingly to this film) and Decpticons go at it, but who were some of these guys? and why include new Minicons like the Pretender or the the kitchen appliances gone bad? Why does it seem that the Decepticon numbers flourished over the years, yet only a few Autobots made it to earth? And where the hell did Starscream find The Fallen after 19,000 years on earth??

Third, one cannot get from Giza to Jordan and back to Giza in under a day in foot. It even took the Israelites forty years. Also, one cannot see Giza from Petra. Nor should one be in CA in one scene and in Princeton two scenes later. It reads funny.

Fourth, it’s not just the racism which is a popular kvetch. It’s every ass shot, vixen is a baby-doll dress, scrotum joke, gay image, dog-on-dog action, famous midget cameo, and unfunny bit of toilet humor and crass imagery. And the mystery is, was this something the director did or was it something the writers did? I personally see Michael Bay’s handiwork in it (especially after watching Armageddon last night and realizing bay has become a WORSE director over the years, adding in nonsense that has nothing to do with the plot and certainly had nothing to do with good story-telling.

Fifth, when, oh when, will Sam just tell… uh… what’s-her-name that he loves his car way more than he loves her? And tha Bumblebee’s cooler in every imaginable way than she is?

And is it me, or is Megan Fox just. not. talented? At all. Not that Shia LaBoeuf is any better.

Sixth, say it with me a la Wanda Maximoff, “No mo’ slo-mo!”

I’m sure there’s more to kvetch about, but the horrible thing is that this could have been a better movie – one can see it in moments when the plot rears its enfeebled head between the crassness. Sadly, ROTF was “Bay-icized” before it would be that movie. I’m waiting for some talented SOB to re-cut ROTF into a watchable film a la “star wars: the phantom edit”, then show it to my nephew and hope he forgives me.

World of Krypton #3 and #4: Beyond the misleading covers. Beyond the non-surprise of Zod being a bastard. Beyond the attempts to make Alura sympathetic. Beyond the status quo changing event of a New Krypton. Beyond the Guardians wetting themselves in anxiety. Beyond all that, this is a Superman book. And wherever there is Superman, Superman is there. B-

Batman & Robin #1: After the whole Final Crisis extravaganza, I was more than a little unwilling to pick up a GMo book so soon, especially for a character I haven’t read since I was 11 or so. However, this seems to be the year when DC lures me into all of the Big Three books, as Batman (formerly Nightwing, formerly Robin) and Robin (formerly some bratty kid who needed a spanking way earlier in his life than he got one (there is a reason why it’s called “child-rearing”)) terrorize the poop out of Gotham City’s criminal element. And I like it. The characterizations are strong. The art.. well, let’s talk about the art. Frank Quitely’s style is immediately recognizable, even if you don’t know his name, and there are cams on the goodness and badness of this statement. It’s been said that his people are nothing more than sandbags topped by shrunken-apple heads. It’s also been said that he gives 3+ dimensions to otherwise flat pages. I’m in the camp of goodness. I haven’t been able to pinpoint what it is, but it is there. Seeing Batman and Robin leap out of a flying Batmobile, through the Bat-signal, and dazzle Commissioner Gordon as they land atop Police Headquarters was beyond “good enough” for me. A+

Ultimatum #4: I honestly cannot remember why I picked up this issue after calling the series “splatter porn” last month. I was so truly, deeply repulsed by the over-the-top imagery that I figured I was finished with it. Well, apparently not. And I truly don’t understand this purchase because I’ve never read any other Ultimates book in my life, so there’s no investment here. Maybe I’ve grown insensitive to it, or maybe I’ve become fascinated by it. Whichever the case may be, I’ll finish the series off next month. I will say this, though: in terms of multi-issue cross-over “events”, this is one in a great long while in which the core book is a perfectly clear story in and of itself. So, props on that. B

Uncanny X-Men #511: I knew I wasn’t going crazy with the rapidity of X-Men‘s publishing. This issue comes out only two weeks after the last, which is great because I was eager to see how the cliffhanger would be resolved. Is Jean coming back? Is Maddie going to get her first? Will Greg Land’s characters ever express an appropriate emotion in-panel? The answers, while satisfying, do unfortunately underline Matt Fraction’s one problem as an X-writer: the appearing and disappearing cast. And with the addition of one more character – and a well-beloved one, at that – he’d better learn to juggle better. A-

X-Men Forever #1: X-Men forever is like a long-lost reunion with a beloved ex then realizing there’s a reason you’re exes. F

New Mutants #2: I don’t like where this is going. Say “NO!” to Legion being a new team member, and “YES!” to the return of Rahne Sinclair!! A

Buck Rogers #1: Yeah, you really can’t go back home even if home has righteous art and an otherwise tight story. This may be the antidote to Sci Fi’s Flash Gordon (gag), but it still didn’t do it for me. Sorry, guys! C-

Madame Xanadu #11: Last month I said I wasn’t going to get this issue unless Michael William Kaluta’s art somehow drew me in. It did. That being said, it was a grudging attraction. Kaluta’s art is solid, but when one compares it to his work on Metropolis or even his cover to Doorway to Nightmare #1, it’s not as complex as it used to be. Crafted lines are replaced with defter lines, but something is lost, much like P. Craig Russell’s art of late, which doesn’t stand up to his Elric of Melnibone graphic novel nor his early Doctor Strange. It’s still better than most art one can find these days in comic books, but it’s not as KALUTA as I expected it to be. Matt Wagner finally stops Nimue’s century hopping (still too truncated for my liking), and immerses her in the Age of Heroes (was that you I saw running down that hall Mr. Sandman?). In this first part of “Exodus Noir”, the queer murder of a well-to-do Gothamite brings Madame X onto the case as the clues point to a supernatural murderer. Matt Wagner has me along for this arc, for sure. A

Wonder Woman #32: The war against Genocide continues and if one thought it couldn’t get worse, well, it can and it does. The brilliance of Gail Simone’s work here is in Genocide bringing the pain Diana herself has caused her friends and lovers to the surface. More than that, Simone makes it clear that this is pain that could have been avoided had Diana abandoned her principles of Peace and Understanding (though lying to Tom these several months hardly seems like an expression of either) and gone to War with Casualties against Ares or the Cheetah or Dr. Psycho before there was so much collateral damage. Here is the heart and soul of being a hero: does sparing her enemies, granting them mercy that they do not show Diana nor her friends in subsequent encounters make Diana in part responsible for this pain or do the villains take full responsibility because they rejected mercy and refused to learn “a better way”? More than that, how far is Diana empowered to go to make the world a peaceful and loving place? All the way to War Against the World? Ah, well, that’s why we have the Olympian, the Anti-Diana, in the wings. As ever, BRILLIANT STUFF! A+

Buck Rogers #0: It’s a shame to see heroes grow old and serious and have their magnificently hairy chests and feathered do’s covered with glow-y, space-y vinyl. Granted, I grew up with the hyper-campy and overly sexualized, post-disco version, so my take on Buck Rogers is probably one tainted by… well, hairy chests, feathered do’s and bad dancing, but I’ve always felt that there was some connection to the source material, even if the stories (and fashions) were modernized (and inundated by sequins). That said, my disappointment with Dynamite’s (previewed) iteration is that Buck is pulled away from family and friends to points and times unknown to a “thrilling beginning” in issue #1. WHY?? What I liked about the stories were the interactions of the characters and the strangeness of life on 25th century Earth for Buck (and those of us who followed his adventures). And while Buck’s disorientation wore off after a while (as well it should; did you see what happened to Wonder Woman when Jodi Picoult pulled that “Stranger in a Strange Land” shit?), there was always a new surprise that he and his friends had to find their way around. Without his friends, who is Buck Rogers, and will I care to find out? C

New Mutants #1: I missed this issue two weeks ago while I was busy getting ready for finals, never thinking it would be sold out all over Austin. Luckily, in Erie I was able to get the variant cover (unluckily, at a substantially higher cost) and (back to luckily) was thrilled that the story of my beloved mutants was in capable hands. Sam is just a goofy and amiable as ever, Roberto is just as cocky; however, the women suffer from a sort of “one voice” lack of characterization. I was unable to distinguish Shan from Dani from Amara. Illyana had a stilted, contractionless formality to her words, but if you, Dear Reader, can think of a positive spin on “stilted”, I’d love to hear it. Words aside, the story jumps right in and keeps paddling all the way to the end of the issue. Seeing Sam and ‘Berto stick up for Illyana against the EXiles took me back to the original team’s bonds and adventures. Great start to the series! B+

Dark Reign: Young Avengers #1: This issue requires a full-on essay to properly spelunk the depths of its awfulness. Coming soon to a CPB.com near you! F

Uncanny X-Men #510: I swear UX-M is coming out faster and faster these days. It cannot have been a month since I got #509, yet here’s #510 in my hands. It can’t be an illusion because Greg Land’s boobtastic tracings are all over cover and I can guarantee you I don’t dream of four-color breaticles. I have to hand it to Matt Fraction this month. He’s really starting to pull his moments together, making them tighter and more integral to plot… well, “fight scenes”, and at the same time driving the story forward. So, props to him. Let’s hope he continues and starts to draw in better “at home” moments for our favorite mutants. They can’t fight all the time (nor party), so when an “X-Family” story comes around… OH! Pixie has got to stop enchanting Sihal Novarum Chinoth or every time she appears/disappears. It’s distracting and odd, to say the least, and never properly framed. She does, however, do an excellent Wolverine impersonation. A-

The Trial of Sherlock Holmes #1: I haven’t read a Sherlock Holmes story since I was a sophomore in college, and even though I was just in Weird City Theatre‘s production of William Gilette’s Sherlock Holmes, I’m not really qualified to say what makes a good Victorian mystery story. But, hey, has that ever stopped me before? Sherlock Holmes is a classic butt-head. He has a smart (and usually correct) answer for everything and explains himself only when it’s means he can call someone an idiot. Moore and Reppion’s Holmes is a bit more mellow than that, if only to make his plight at the end of the issue more sympathetic. I personally would have liked to see him fall from a considerably higher height. Tragedy is judged solely on the loudness of the splat at the end, and while we can feel fear for the plummeting character, feeling bad for him is like a fireman’s blanket a few feet above street level. A-

The Complete Dracula: Dracula is Dracula, so the story isn’t all that surprising (one would hope). What is surprising is the care with which Moore and Reppion pace the story. This isn’t Comics Classics Illustrated! There are no leaps and jumps, no inexplicable expurgations, no “one panel explains all” condensations. In brief, this is not a summary, but an actual well-told story. Colton Worley’s photo-realistic art adds to the moodiness of the book. Excellent job! A+

Wonder Woman #31: This past weekend, my boyfriend and I were talking about how vigilante justice seems to be the way to go at times, and why hasn’t the Earth produced its first superheroes yet. We also picked out what kind of superpowers we’d like to have if we happened to be so lucky – he wanted telekinesis because it can be used for all kinds of practical purposes (throwing, slamming, holding, choking, flying, et al.) and I wanted telepathy because it’s the mental form of telekinesis. He looked at me and with a seriousness that was appropriate for the conversation, he said, “If you were telepathic, we wouldn’t be together.” When I asked why he said that he would always wonder about how I knew what I knew or if he were really feeling what he was feeling. Before I got too hurt, I thought about it: how could any person be trusted with an “X-power”? Is anyone that morally upstanding that they could forgo cutting corners or making life a little but easier for themselves? Could all X-Powerful beings follow a unified moral code? Diana may be flawed, and she may have made mistakes (without referencing Max Lord again, certainly cutting off the Cheetah’s tail last issue was a bit beyond the pale for her), but she’s still morally superior to most people. And gods. And Olympians. A+

Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds #4: Thinning the herd. Again. However, I don’t view the killing spree as being the wanton holocaust that was GMo’s Final Crisis (or indeed any DC comic title from the last year or so) because these characters’ death caused me actual outrage against Superboy-Prime and not Dan Didio or whatever lame storywriter was wielding the axe that week. Bloodshed aside, the return of “our boy” made me go misty. I’m jumping uo and down in my chair for the next issue; who’s agenda is going to win out – Superman’s rehabilitation of Superboy-Prime or the freshly minted Superboy kicking Superboy-Prime’s ass to Oa and back? A+

Madame Xanadu #10: It looks like next month Madame Xanadu will inflict her issues with men on the world at large instead of keeping it to a select circle of friends, lovers and co-dependent fantasies. One would think she’s be just as jaded towards women since it was her sister who caused her life to spiral out of control in the first place, but judging by the title “My Father’s Keeper” it looks like Nimue is going to be the mystic Gloria Steinem of the DCU. Next month will see Michael Wm. Kaluta taking over art duties, for which I am very excited. B

Uncanny X-Men #509: Didja see the size of Psylocke’s udders on the cover? I mean, one would have to have Power Girl wallpaper and life-sized cardboard stand-ups to not notice, so perhaps a better phrasing would be “When did Psylocke become enormbooblous?” Jesus, Land. I swear, someone needs to send me the reference pic for what happened to Emma Frost because I’m starting to think this was drawn from his own imaginings which puts him firmly in second place behind Mark Millar for the “Creepiest Asshole in Comics” title. Tracings can be forgiven (to an extent, and this is pushing it), but out-and-out S&M fantasies are getting into… whatever comic company publishes porn beyond Class Comics territory. Double Jesus, Land. Rumors around the Internet say that Madeline wants Logan to find Jean Grey’s body to inhabit, but I think she wants Logan’s body. Who better to live forever inside since he just keeps rejuvenating? B-

Supergirl #40: Beyond Reactron’s ham-handed “I lied to you the first time we met. Supergirl.” – and really, what was the point of this? There has to be a ton of better ways to change continuity than to just say, “Ha ha ha! I lied!” Yeah, he’s a villain and all, but why “confess” at this moment? And as a villain, can his confession be trusted? Wouldn’t it have been easier (and possibly cooler) to have his “starsuit” grow unstable and.. I dunno, create a micro-black hole that could destroy all life on Earth? That took me ten seconds and now I have a three issue story-arc for future use. Weird. – I enjoyed this issue, even the revelation for Superwoman’s identity, which some claim to have seen coming “miles away” (but never mentioned it until after the issue was published, so, yeah, I’m calling shenanigans). I’m not sure I’ll continue reading Supergirl beyond the next issue once spoiler alert! L.L. spells out her and daddy’s diabolical plan to make the world a safer place from aliens (and is that a U.S./Mexico metaphor the way the X-Men titles are a gay metaphor?). Unless, of course, a micro-black hole is coming in the near future… A

Detective Comics #853: I think if Buffy had been told at the end of her life in Season Five that her reward for being The Slayer was to be The Slayer, she would have cocked her head, pouted sarcastically and said something clever like, “So what you’re saying is you forgot to get me a present and this is the best you could do at the last minute?” Batman, whichever Batman we are reading about here, if not actually all of them, isn’t that snappy with the retorts and actually seems content with the results (at least he didn’t complain too hard). Gaiman’s follow-through on this story is better than he’s had of late, managing to hit a ton of high notes in this Batman’s swan song (including an appearance by the original Batgirl, a fave character of mine!), but ultimately, I’m going to take this story in the same vein as The Last Galactus Story and not worry about continuity. This time. A-

Thor #601: Ah I was hoping that Loki was going to tease the I’ve-Got-Sif’s-Body-and-Nobody-Likes-Me evil plot out a bit longer, but i suppose he knows what he’s doing because, after all, he got Balder to relocate every Asgardian (and one very love-struck Kansasian… Kansasite? Kansasist? Whichever.) to Latveria where Doctor Doom will welcome them all, but not feel obligated to treat them as anything other than refugees. Apparently all Asgardians except Loki like having one sovereign to rule them all. Who knew? And yet, I don’t find this to be a fault in JMS’ writing; I find it to be a fault in the characters of the Asagardian, because I totally believed that they would do this. They may be gods. but they’ve never been the deepest of thinkers. Except that Volstagg. He’s like Aristotle levels of deep. A

Kick-Ass #6: I’m waiting for someone to glom onto Mark Millar being a conservative asshole because of what he said about Democrats being baby murderers and murderer lovers, because I’m pretty sure that’s the reaction Millar wants people to have. Then I want to see the shitstorm that kicks up as people get mad at him and he laughs because he wanted people mad and he got what he wanted. I dunno. I’m still torn as to whether this guy can write or if he can just write to provoke people’s baser emotions. I also ask myself if I’ll go see the Kick-Ass movie when it comes out this summer (or whenever). I see it as a Die Hard meets American History X sorta cowboyish affair. We’ll see. B

World of New Krypton #2: Apparently, in all the Universe, the only one who didn’t know that they Kryptonians were a race of arrogant war-mongers was Superman. Even the Guardians on Oa are more surprised that there’s a planet in synchronous binary solar orbit with Earth than they are by Kryptonian military build up (and doesn’t that sound like the beginning of a commercial for Krypto Drain Cleaner™?). What saddens me is remembering the statue in the Fortress of Solitude of Jor-El and Lara holding Krypton aloft, bigger than life and smiling like lunatics. Who were Kal’s folks? The crazy hipppies down the block who wanted peace and prosperity for all peoples of Krypton or has Kal been completely mistaken about them from the beginning? If Zod can call hostage-holding a “brilliant improvisation” to a police situation with no one batting an impervious eyelash while Kal finds a humane solution to dealing with rampaging thought-beasts then Rucka and Robinson have a ton for material to mine over the next year or so. A

Action Comics #876: I really hate female super-villains. First of all, I think it’s undignified to see them acting like harridans. Call me old-fashioned, but, evidence to the contrary, I believe in the inherent superiority of women, and evil ≠ superior. That and writers have a habit of reversing them to simpering messes when the tides turn against them, like common bullies. I have no idea which upsets me more. Still, Ursa didn’t get half the thrashing she deserved in this issue, and though I’m certain Christopher should have cut her just a little, I was gladdened to see him say he shouldn’t because “Superman wouldn’t.” If one thing threw me out of the issue, it was the destruction of part of the Fortress of Solitude (and how many times has it been destroyed? Why can’t superheroes have nice things?). Since when is it a woven lattice of crystal? Way awkward-looking. A-

Uncanny X-Men #508: Ah, Greg Land! How your love of porn has transformed the X-Men into a team of over-expressive whores is nothing short of brilliant! Next, I highly suggest you break into “someone’s” stash of gay porn (which, given the hyper-sexual and somewhat exploitive portrayal of your female characters, I believe you have hidden in some dark, shameful corner your basement) and tackle the guys next. We’re all waiting to see Jean-Paul’s compass to point to True North. Beyond that, I’m happy to see Matt Fraction back in his terra cognita: guns blazing and people getting eviscerated by impossibly large swords. After the last three meandering issues of “Petey’s Pity Party” in which nothing happens and Petey really doesn’t learn anything he (and we) didn’t already know (what’s the opposite of dramatic irony?), it’s nice to see the plot pick up and start rolling again with the return of Spiral (my many-armed girlfriend) and the Beaubier twins. I didn’t like Jean-Paul’s dig at Alpha Flight (however true it may have been; I mean, really, “The Master of the World”?) just because Fraction can only hope to write something as cool as the original Alpha. A-

The New Mutants Saga: This is nothing more than a re-cap of all 100 issues of The New Mutants, but it beautifully illustrates the exact moment when the series jumped the shark: the introduction of Bird-Brain. It also graphically shows that Rob Liefeld is personally responsible for delivering the killing blow. Hopefully, the new series can avoid these problems and just tell good stories. *fingers crossed*

Justice Society of America #25: If I have any criticism of this issue, it would be the logic of who’s to blame for Mary Marvel and Isis’s corruption. Everyone seems to blame Black Adam for his transferring power first to Mary Marvel and then to Isis to resurrect her; Mary then bestowing Billy with some of her power. I’m just uncertain as to why Mary is in her Final Crisis costume. I always thought that the lightning was a catalyst for the transformation, and not itself good or evil, nor even corruptible. Though seeing Shazam lose his poop is probably an indication of how wrong I am. I do, however, like how everyone has been reset back to their true personae, even if the Marvel Family is no longer the Marvel Family. I hope they get their own title soon under the hands of a capable writer. A

Madame Xanadu #9: OMG was that a boobie??????? I guess after a thousand years or so even magic users get itchy Down There for some wand-in-hat action. Two more Golden Age heroes run tangentially to Madame X’s complicated history with the Phantom Stranger – The Spectre and Zatara. I think MX and PS need to just have a good, old-fashioned grudge-f*** and get it over with. Or at least get on with it; the wheel-spinning conflict is starting to wear a bit. He is, after all, already tied up. Amy Reeder Hadley’s art continues to impress. My big fear is that she’ll be replace by someone less apt and that the charm of these stories will be lessened somewhat. When it comes to the “Which is more important in comics – the story or the art?” debate, I fall on the “You can’t separate them out like that, idiot!” side. A-

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #24: While a good story, it’s another month spent doing character exposition and not really making any headway in the overall story. I was hoping by this time we’d learn why Buffy and Giles are on the outs, to say nothing of what Giles and Faith have been up to in the search for “Twilight” (Buffy’s “Twilight”, not the vampire “Twilight” of the vampire “Twilight” books and movie. Totally different vampires from Buffy’s vampires and “Twilight”. See?). And apparently hair buns are the new “evil” trope for women, paralleling bald, bearded men. C

Wonder Woman #30: Contrary to widely-help opinions, Diana’s rage makes perfect sense in this issue, and the Genocide storyline has in no way run its course and should not be ended. In the aftermath of Genocide’s merciless attack on the Princesses of Themyscira and the Justice League and the kidnapping of Etta Candy, it makes perfect sense she would “declare war” on the Cheetah and her pawns. And even though she says it in anger, I really think she regrets the necessity of cutting off the Cheetah’s tail in order to extract information form her of Genocide’s whereabouts. I have to admit though that there must also have been a certain satisfaction to that last bloody bit of violence to say nothing of kicking the ass of everyone in the DMA. Of course, I may be projecting. She is, after all, a comic book character. The Olympian is still a minor concern here, but once he’s revealed, I wonder if he’ll be getting his little boyfriend back anytime soon. Yay gay Greeks! A

Superman #686: Apparently parallelism has hit the halls of the Big Two as yet another title does simultaneous contrasting. I have to say, it’s better here than it was in last month’s Wonder Woman and last week’s Uncanny X-Men, but it’s already in danger of becoming over-used. In this issue, Princess Diana goes undercover as a special super-human policing agent in a department that is mistrustful of super-humans in general and Amazons in particular. She somewhat awkwardly adopts a human life, but is always at the ready to transform to Wonder Woman when an emergency arises. Wait. Strike that. Replace it with “Mon-El.” B

X-Infernus #4: I saw Neil Gaiman speak in Austin for the release of his book Anansi Boys. He was in a bitchy-gossipy mood that day and gave the crowd some insight into the Beowulf movie (“In a fit of typecasting, Angelina Jolie will be Grendel’s mother.”) and MiracleMan (“”So I asked Todd if he would just do what the court told him to do and he said, ‘I’m fuckin’ Todd McFarlane, man, fuck. I don’t gotta. Fuck.”) and how he’s always surprised by how expensive American comics are when, essentially, nothing happens in each issue. Funny guy. In essence, this is what the conclusion of X-Infernus suffers from – a whole lot of nothing. I counted 22 pages of a rather uninspired End-of-the-World scenario that actually occupies about five pages of actual action. Illyana has feared the release of the Elder Gods since 1982 and they get almost no panel time and certainly don’t seem to be the threat they’ve been made out to be. The last page shows the new New Mutants cover, but with Rahne, Doug and Warlock in the ranks. Retcon or Retro-chic? We’ll find out in May. D

Supergirl #39: Supergirl’s failure to capture Reactron and bring him to New Krypton earns her harsh (and ironic) criticism from her mother (delivered non-ironically). Kara finally wakes up to the idea that maybe her mother isn’t as Sally Field in Brothers & Sisters as she’d like to believe. This Kara Zor-El isn’t the same as the one that died ages ago, but she’s starting to grow on me. Insanely tight asses on women aside, the art is pretty good as well. B

Ultimatum #3: Ugh. More splatter porn. When did Jeph Loeb become Mark Millar’s apprentice? C+

Uncanny X-Men #507: Last week’s Wonder Woman and this week’s X-Men should be viewed as cautionary tales about parallel storylines and how not to do them. There should be a seamless, almost cinematic cut between the panels of the respective stories, and certainly parallel action and words. Sadly, while Matt Fraction’s words were close to the mark, the Dobson’s artwork was not. The overall effect was somewhat herky-jerky, and distracted from the flow of the plot (not that very much happened in the first place). Oh and shocker, Magneto is back. Can;t move on from him in the movies; can’t move on from him in the comics. Guess Jean Grey will be lighting up the Universe again pretty soon. C-

…about Frater Mine. The guys over at Comic Book Queers discussed FM during this week’s podcast. It’s towards the end after an excellent discussion of Cloak and Dagger (my tied-for #2 characters after Magik). Give a listen here:

I’m really embarrassed about the reference to the “Mary Janing” I did in the book. I try to own it, but looking back it just seems like lazy writing. Like Twilight. I know I’m not the only one to do this, but I’d like to think that I’m not a lazy writer. Well, at least I’m working to make the characters less like people in my world. Even if Matt does have a twin brother and adorable nephew…

Normally, I try to get “That’s My Bag!” weekly, but I’ve let it (and my grading; sorry, students!) slide for more… personal matters. I’m catching up in a few weeks of comics here, so everything will be brief. I hope to make this feature regular again, especially since this week is SPRING BREAK!!!

Supergirl #38: She’s on Earth; she’s on New Krypton. She’s an outlaw; she’s a bad daughter. I see another “Who is Supergirl?” story arc coming up soon. B

Superman #685: I’ve always loved Mon-El (though not as much as Kal-El does, apparently), so I’m glad to see him taking on a new Kent identity. I didn’t like to see him leave Ma Kent in the hands of another care-taker. A

Action Comics #875:Well, it’s not Conner (dammit) but the new Nightwing’s identity is still a great surprise, as if Flamebird’s. I’m going to like seeing these two in this title over the next year or so. A

World of Krypton #1:

Justice Society of America #23: Oh naughty Isis!! A

Justice Society of America #24: Shizzman! Mary Marvel goes Dark. Again. So, is JSA caught up with the Final Crisis timeline while the rest of the DCU isn’t? A-

Wonder Woman #29: Sadly, Zeus plays too large a role in this story for being as large an assdancer as he is. However, without these scenes we wouldn’t know how dangerous the Olympian is going to be. A

Madame Xanadu #8: Green Lantern. The Demon. Who else will be shaped by Madame X and the Phantom Stranger’s machinations? The story is still fun, but I’d like to see more “the future has taken root in the present” moments. B+

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight #23: Who is driving this story??? Because we’re off-roading here. D

Uncanny X-Men #506: The issue is totally transitional and not necessary to buy. C

According to a recent interview, Neil Gaiman wanted Henry Selick to do a stop-motion adaptation of Coraline even before the book was released to the public. Gaiman said that Selick’s first draft of the screenplay was “too much like the book and we needed to expand it.” And my question to that is “WHY???”

At its heart, Coraline is a fairy tale, and to have watched Selick’s meticulous work in driving a stake into that heart was at times more than I could bear. Maybe I’m being a purist, not only for the book itself but for fairy tales in general. As metaphors for growing up or lessons on leading a good like, fairy tales need only the hero to get their point across, mostly that life is a solitary adventure and that one is totally responsible for one’s own actions. They may not always start out capable, but by the end of their stories, fairy tale heroes (usually) accomplish their aims and have become clever and apt. If this is so, then why did Coraline herself have to be less capable in the movie than she was in the book? Why did she need Wybie to help her execute her less-than-clever plan at the end? I really disliked Coraline’s coming into her own being shoved aside like that for… what? The sake of having a sidekick-cum-knight? The boys in the audience who think girls need a boy’s help? For girls who thought they didn’t need a boy’s help? For a man who makes his living by writing good stories, it’s amazing to me that Gaiman willingly lets others treat them this way.

This is not to say that I didn’t enjoy the movie. I did. Seeing the puppets move, their hair ruffle, their bodies jump and twist, and knowing the time and effort the stop-motion animation process requires was stunning (even moreso in 3-D). If I had a complaint at all (beyond the above), it was that Teri Hatcher was Madea levels of mad as the real mother. So much so that I thought the movie was going to be some kind of reversal of the book, much the way Gaiman took on Snow White in his Snow, Glass, Apples. Sadly, I was instead forced to watch an intolerable (and at times violently uncomfortable) mother-daughter dynamic that begged for court-ordered emancipation. Why Hatcher went to this extreme and why she was permitted to do so is a question I hope someone will answer one day.

All in all, had I not read the book, the movie of Coraline would have been satisfactory, but like so many adaptations of popular books, the movie doesn’t live up to Gaiman’s written words. And it’s his own fault.

Batman #686: I only managed to read Batman the first night after comics shopping because I was busy with play practice and dating interests. I also chose this to read because it
was written by Gaiman, whom I adore, but whom I’m also beginning to see wane a bit. I like the set up, but of late Gaiman’s set up hasn’t been the problem with his work; the problem has been the
pay-off (seriously, I still can’t believe The Graveyard Book won the Newbery). I’ll wait ’til next issue (apparently the last Batman comic) before I decide how successful the story was or wasn’t, but for now, I’m intrigued by the dream-like presentation (of course. How else would Gaiman write a DC story?) and Andy Kubert’s expressive art. A

Action Comics #874: One of the most striking scenes in this issue was Superman in the Fortress of Solitude looking at pictures of a long-dead and somewhat idyllic Krypton. He laments that for years he had an idea of how his home planet must have been – maybe mostly through wishful thinking – but now facing the reality of being descended from a race of militant jerks he feels lost. I share that feeling with him. The Kryptonian race may have let itself be destroyed, but their darker side was never hinted at. A close runner-up is Mon-El telling his BFF Kal-El that he would prefer to die with him that be voided in the collapsing Phantom Zone. Awwh! Pablo Raimondi’s lines are wonderfully expressive and fun. Light bodies fly through the air, topped by dark, heavy faces. A

X-Infernus #3: With the conformation that there will be a new New Mutants series (how it will fit into general continuity remains to be seen), the return of Illyana Magik wasn’t too unexpected in this issue, but it was still welcome. And, dammit, she’s all these years older and still the head-strong and brash teenager from her days in the New Mutants. Still, I can’t help but love her. Of all the X-Men (aside from the original, non-resurrected, self-sacrificing Phoenix), she ranks as a true tragic heroine. Sadly, with one issue left, I fear she may go the way of all tragic figures. A-

Thor #600: I could have done without the backup stories, mostly because I’ve seen them all before (I think they were in a one-shot called Tales of Asgard from back when I was in high school) and they did nothing to add to the 600thness of this issue. I’m torn on how I feel about this issue. I like how JMS keeps up the characterization of the Asgardian and Kansasian folk (which must be incredibly difficult in the former’s case; it would be so easy to drift into (no offense) Lee-Kirby staunch declarations riddled with “thees” and “thous” and turn some pretty speeches into vaudeville), but that seems to be going away with Thor’s banishment from Asgard. And wasn’t he banished before (like, 1950′s “before”)? My fear is that the imaginative gold JMS has put into the story – Asgard in Kansas, the transsexual Loki/Sif, Thor as a diplomat (now outlaw?) – will be lost if Thor goes his own way. By the way, why does Thor have an uruz rune on his belt? B+

Secret Six #6: WTF?!?!? The MAD HATTER?!??!?!?!??!?! He’s the one behind all this? I’m pretty disappointed by this, mostly because I only remember the Mad Hatter at the guy from the Batman TV series who had a hypnotic eye pop jack-in-the-box-like from his top hat. He seemed more goofy than mad. Maybe it was my attitude this week, but this was my first of the two “meh” titles I picked up. Normally, I like everything Gail Simone does, but too much time was spent on Deathlock, the least interesting of all the characters, Yeah, he gets to betray his friends and all, but the “I’m just being the scorpion” line rang so false, the way Catman told Batman that they were going to kill each other one day, weren’t they? For being such C-list characters, the Secret Six don’t lack in ego. C

Legion of Three Worlds #3: This issue has a HUGE cast that is almost impossible to follow unless one has been a fan of The Legion for the last two decades. But who cares?? Geoff Johns and George Perez have all the nuances down for long time Legion lovers to debate and spar over, while for the rest of us, they deliver an issue with no less than three goosebump-raising moments (especially the last on on the last page). Superboy-Prime, get ready to be spanked! A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #22: The “meh” continues strongly in this issue, ironically called “Swell”. Don’t get me wrong – the banter between Kennedy and Satsu is right on the mark (especially, “Your eval’s SO getting a smiley face!”) but the main point of season eight is getting lost in all these side stories. The stories are great in and of themselves (the cartoon episode TOTALLY not included), but they don’t contribute to the tension I should be feeling by now. C+

Runaways #6: This may be my last issue of Runaways. Not that there’s anything wrong with it per se, but there’s nothing all that exciting about it either. The pay-off at the end of this arc just didn’t move me the way it should have. C-

Final Crisis: Revelations #5: If I came away with anything from this series, it’s that God cares, but is a firm believer in tough love. I also came away thinking that Rucka believes God to be a right bastard for putting people in impossible situations and expecting them to find their own way home again. One need only look at Radiant (somehow doing well here, yet not doing so well in FC #7) and her dwindling faith in God’s Infinite Mercy (which would be herself) to see this. As she prays for God to intervene and save everyone, there is no response. Nothing. Just Cain and Anti-life. Then the Huntress, The Question and Radiant’s rapist/murderers call her back from the brink by their selfless actions. Rucka seems to be saying that we find faith in God by the actions of others, which is a bit weak sauce for me (and Rucka, too, I imagine) because there are days when I want my immanenet and loving God to give me physical evidence that He loves me (and not in a “raped by a swan” kind of way). Still my favorite title in the whole Final Crisis crisis. A

Final Crisis #7:I sat down today and gave it my best shot to get through the last issue with maybe a glimmer of understanding with what was happening. And what I came away with was a hot, sticky pearl necklace that Grant Morrison blew all over me when he was done jerking himself off. But let me be specific:

1.) I’ll misquote someone from the GLA who said that there’s a difference between being spoon-fed a story and having to read the writer’s mind. I’ve read his Doom Patrol, his All-Star Superman, his WE3 and his run on the x-men, and have enjoyed them all. he has a talent for bringing new depth to characters and revitalizing tired stories. that being said FC was a just his next exercise in “how far can I go with the comic medium?” (and after empowering six billion people with super-powers, it was shocking to see that he COULD go further). I think this will be his Ulysses, and fanatics all over the world will begin writing their dissertations on this miniseries in relatively short order AND congratulating themselves on being so damn clever to understand Morrison. And part of me thinks it was his plan all along to be this divisive.

2.) Final Crisis was done in a vacuum. Whatever transpired here – people seeking temporary refuge on an alternate earth, a magic ward that repels evil on a planetary scale, Superman singing the multiverse back into existence (i think; he never really go around to doing it the second time, did he?), Wonder Woman somehow breaking out of the anti-life spell, Darkseid dying, the New Gods returning, Batman pulling a Spock-on-Planet-Genesis, universe vampires and the end of the Monitors – who cares? it doesn’t connect to anything that has been done or is being done or will be done. for that alone, Dan Didio should be horse-whipped for promoting FC as “the be all end all of DC crises.” As clever as it was supposed to be, it did nothing to change the status quo of the DC universe and remint it, shiny and worth some kind of currency.

3.) And before someone pulls out all the “metafiction makes stories better and causes your junk to smell like cotton candy and is better than regular literature” crapfest, I’d like to say that metafiction is
NOT a new phenomena. It goes back at least to the ancient Greeks. Authors have metafictional devices in their works whether they know that word or not, so please just stop with the “Morrison is too profound for you to understand.” He’s not. Saying “metafiction” just makes you feel better about yourself.

OMG! I just thought of what this was REALLY all about! It wasn’t DC’s final crisis, it was GMo’s MIDLIFE crisis!! I’m totally serious here. What better thing to achieve immortality by then to create a story that was supposed to be so impacting, so far-reaching (well… kinda; it was never referenced in any of the mainstream books), and the LITERAL last word in DC crises and then write it so that readers would argue about what was being done, how deep the meaning was, how revolutionary for comics to do something this PoMo (meh), write dissertations on it and speculate on what wasn’t in the text but what could be drawn into the story inter-textually! I honestly think that this was Grant Morrison coming to the end of his shelf life and then recreating himself with hair transplants, a sexy trophy wife and a penis-shaped car that goes from 0 to 120 in 10 seconds. Metaphorically speaking. Discuss. D-

Wonder Woman #28: And speaking of changing the status quo, the Olympians finally come to life in the DCU! Zeus creates a new island for his new race of men (dead men, but no one is perfect) with a mission to bring peace to the world by beating all warring countries into submission. Zeus… really doesn’t get it, does he? And, bless his heart, he’s so earnest about his Olympians and thinks that he’s going about this the right way, but it reminds me of the time he wanted to reward Diana by offering to penetrate her then got upset when she said “Dude, WTF?!?!?” I was hoping that Tom would be the Olympian (apparently that will be Jason’s “son”), but after this issue I see he’s 100% Amazon. And probably gay. A+

Superman #684: Superman is so damn trusting that he’s starting to look simple-minded. No wonder Batman makes fun of him. I was honestly hoping that after New Krypton entered a binary orbit around the sun that writers would take time to let tensions stew and come to a head again in a year or so, but writers are chasing it like my dog chases the ice cream truck. I love that this book has, like Wonder Woman, changed the face of the DCU in a way that if it’s nurtured and allowed to grow in an organic way (I’m giving you the hairy eyeball, Didio!) New Krypton could become a permanent fixture worth hundreds of stories. *fingers crossed* B

Manhunter #38: The end. *single tear* A+

Secret Six #5: Bane is by and far becoming one of my favorite characters in this series. I know everyone thinks Deadpool is sexy and Catman has a great butt (he’s my number two, but not for his butt (Ragdoll is number three)), but Bane’s complexity makes everyone else look like the chorus line. He claims a moral superiority to his fellows and has a compassionate heart, but when he ripped Aaron’s neck apart, I was in love. A

Action Comics #873: Aaaah! “New Krypton”. Now I get it. I was disappointed that the main conflict of this arc – bringing the Kryptonians who murdered some Science Police officers to justice – wasn’t resolved, but now there’s a new Baddie on the solar block that will need to be dealt with eventually, which I find to be the greatest change to happen in the DCU in years. It’s easily worth years of stories and plots in the hands of a capable writer. Sadly, Kara got shafted again in terms of characterization. That poor girl hasn’t known a moment’s rest even since she died during Crisis on Infinite Earths. A-

Final Crisis #6: I’m hard-pressed to know if this was camp or kitsch or what. There
were the oddly out-of-place silver age super-science moments with the Inerton and Radion; and even more silver age “shouting my thoughts out so everyone knows what I’m doing in the panel” lines like “It might take the last of my magical energy but I think I can stop her!”. Then I counted FIVE plots to save the world going on all of which involve cosmic-level technology and evolution? And finally Brainiac 5′s warning about his sentence becoming meaningless ON PAGE ONE was at once incredibly precocious and ironically too late. As far as the image on the last page goes, how can ANYone take a death in the DCU to heart anymore? Said death will be undone as soon
as The Question sucks the Earth through the cosmic soup strainer and brings us to the Fifth World. Guaranteed. Last issue was so good, but this issue was an unreadable mess. Again. D+

X-Infernus #2: I have a horrible premonition that Marvel is setting up Pixie to be “Magik Lite”, and as much as I like her character, I don’t love her as much as I love Illyana. Putting Pixie in a position to be the next X-enchantress will make her “Magik Zero”, a disservice to both women. That aside, the action and stakes (saving Illyana and Pixie’s souls) are ratcheted up a notch. A