Of course, Family Guy was making a joke when they rechristened Huck Griffin’s friend as “N-word Jim”, but it’s no joke that NewSouth’s upcoming edition of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will replace the n-word with “Slave” in order to make the book more palatable to the sensibilities of younger readers, and, no doubt, to save teachers from clenching their buttcheeks with embarrassment during read-aloud time. The word “Injun” is also up for some CTRL-H softening, though I can’t find what the replacement word will be.

As someone who has taught this book to high school-age students with reading comprehension problems and as someone who read it as a high school junior, I have to say this is a confusing decision, especially given the reasoning behind the decision:

But the heart of the matter is opening up the novels to a much broader, younger, and less experienced reading audience: “Dr. Gribben recognizes that he’s putting his reputation at stake as a Twain scholar,” said La Rosa. “But he’s so compassionate, and so believes in the value of teaching Twain, that he’s committed to this major departure. I almost don’t want to acknowledge this, but it feels like he’s saving the books. His willingness to take this chance—I was very touched.”

However, there are abridged editions of Huck Finn available for younger readers (I assume fourth or fifth grade) that pare away the mature language, Twain’s voice, irony, and subplots to only the essential story most people on the street would tell you if you asked them to summarize the book. This I have no problem with because the full novel is, frankly, a bitch to read. Rewarding, yes, but it requires more work than a ten-year old can put into it. So, why cite “younger readers” as a concern when the book isn’t for them in the first place?

Huck Finn is the third most banned book of all time, mostly because of its word choices (though the complaints are more about using “trashy” colloquialisms – “sweat” instead of “perspire” – than the dehumanization of Jim and other slaves). And even as I type this, I hesitated for a good minute about the previous sentence: “Do I simply write ‘Jim’ or do I show solidarity with Twain’s intent and say ‘N… N…’ and maybe spend the next few days defending myself from accusations of racism?” See?!? It’s a difficult word to put out there. So, I understand the impulse to “be good”, but why at the expense of the author’s intent, which was to show… ah, screw it – Nigger Jim as the best of all the characters?

Alan Gribben, the man behind the revision, may have the best of intentions, but altering history just because it leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth is blindfolding someone with velvet. Boo to him.

This was an early draft of a review I wrote of Android Karenina for Instinct Magazine:

I can say without reservation that I would rather have an anal fissure treated by a leper armed only with lemon juice and a nail gun than get involved in any literature from Russia, let alone Anna Karenina. Thank goodness Quirk Classics has taken out all the proletarian angst and replaced it with ROBOTS, which studies have shown to be 2 bajillion percent more interesting than the travails of bored upper-class housewives. In this alt.Russia, robots are inseparable companions and confidantes of the wealthy; faithful and obedient, save for Alexei Alexandrovich Karenin’s FACE implant, which threatens to destroy the peaceful monotony of everyone’s lives. Thankfully. The original novel makes the “Little House on the Prairie” series looks like a grindhouse bloodbath, so a touch of mayhem helps the boredom disappear like android exhaust in a stiff breeze. Guaranteed you will not throw yourself under a train by the end. Thank you, Quirk!

This was my final draft:

I would rather have a broken bone set by a dog armed only with a nail gun than read any piece of Russian literature, let alone Anna Karenina, the 19th century’s “Real Housewives…”, except instead of vapid whores who have everything, there is one bored betty who jumps in front of a train instead of divorcing her husband to be with her lover. Happily, Quirk Classics has taken out all the proletarian angst and replaced it with ROBOTS, which studies have shown to be 2 bajillion percent awesomer than bustles and adultery put together. Anna’s doomed affair with Count Vronsky takes a backseat to the treacherous plan by Russia’s cybernetic citizenry to usurp their fleshy creators and become Mechanical Overlords of the World! More Robotech than Tolstoy, and thank goodness for that!

They’re both WAY over my word limit (Sorry, Jeff!), but I’m curious to know which one has more “oomph!”. Thoughts? Comments? Opinions?